Sunday, August 16, 2009

What in the world?

What in the world is this feeling?

This feeling of--'hey, everything didn't go to crap'.

Yes yes yes, I know that we're not celebrating an actual pregnancy, an actual implantation of an embryo. I know--full well--that we're still not even at the starting line and that when looking ahead at our lane, we have more hurdles than most.

But usually--at this point--some type of devastation has ensued.

Let's recap:
IVF #1: Oh how naive and stupid I was! I really thought all you had to do was IVF and you'd be pregnant. I resented doing IVF but I still embraced it. At ER we had 11 eggs. When my RE called to tell me that only 6 were mature I was disappointed; but 5 fertilized. When we went to transfer and we only had two that were even on-target we figured: oh well, none to freeze but what can you do? We've got two! We'll probably get twins.

OK, so I lied--there was no early devastation, IVF #1 was more or less about blindly stumbling along, not really undertanding the process, and just believing that--above all else--it would work. The devastation only came at the end with the BFN.

IVF #2: 15 eggs retrieved. We danced around the house, guessing how many embryos we'd have (we both guessed 10!) and couldn't wait to get that fert report. That's when devastation ensued: only 6 were mature again, and 4 fertilized. We again had two that were transfer worthy. BFN. Rinse, lather, repeat.

IVF #3: We were grizzled and weathered, but still, expecting it to f'ing work. Nine eggs retrieved. Devastation number one--including hideous sobbing in the recovery room because they had been counting on at least 14 and I knew--finally--that for us it was such a numbers game. The embryologist called me at home later to say that 8 of the 9 were mature so we suddenly felt 'back in the game'--but it was short-lived. The next day's call the nurse said: "Only one fertilized...but believe me, some women would be happy with that." I kid you not. Maybe some women would be happy, but we were most decidedly not happy. I swore I was through with IVF, I was through with REs, I was through. Amazingly there was a little 6 cell not-great embryo to transfer. Something felt eerily familiar.

IVF #4: Our first with CC.R.M. I've got a little confession to make: we had dusted ourselves off and knew this was the place. It was going to work. It had to. They were the mecca and we were paying mightily for their services. 20 eggs were retrieved! No devastation--instead that ill-fated Target trip where we lovingly fingered baby clothes! The doctor telling us to be ready for a day 5 transfer with leftovers to freeze! My oh my was that a fun 24 hours! The fert report: 12 mature, 2 fertilized. More hideous sobbing in public. Truly, devastation. One good embryo plus one more thrown in the mix were transferred.

So yesterday morning, when I woke up and came out of the sleep-induced fog, I waited. Waited for the flood of the horrible freeze-report to wash over me and remind me that we really don't have a chance in hell for a biological child.

But it didn't.

For once it didn't.

And while I didn't get up and do any dances around the house--maybe if we'd had eight 8-celled grade 4 embryos?--I did allow myself to smile.

And hope.

And at least--for now--until we get to transfer and see these little guys all the way through to the end--I feel some peace.

So Mr. LastChance and I decided to ride this wave all the way to the shore, because why not?

PS. The blizzard was divine. As expected. I also baked a dozen chocolate croissants yesterday. But honestly--I think I'm going back to the no sugar me pretty soon...
Again, let me say: what in the world??


  1. If I still lived in the same city I would so come over for chocolate croissant breakfast. YUMMY!! Wait. I can make it for lunch! Ha ha! I envy your cooking skills. Everything always sounds so good!

    I am happy to hear that you guys are feeling peaceful with this cycle. You have been through the ringer and deserve the absolute best outcome possible from this cycle- a precious bundle of joy in your arms! Prayers, positive baby vibes, and hugs all being sent your way (as always!) :)

    I'm still playing with blogger and my name changed yet again. Well, I only added "B and..." but it's still me (dryan to D to this)

  2. Yay!!! I love hope and happiness and I love hearing it from you. More than that, I love chocolate croissants and I am glad you got to indulge.

    I am so, so hopeful for you!!!!

  3. Hope. I love that you are experiencing it. Every since IVF#4, I wanted nothing more than for you to have hope again. You just keep it going because you have every reason to have it.

    Your post is similar to mine (it's still a draft) in how it goes through all the hope followed by disappointment. You'll see if I ever get it posted.

    So glad you enjoyed the blizzard, yum!

  4. Hope. I am so glad you have it. Even with all of my miserable failures (4 full out IVF BFNs, 1 IVF ectopic, and 1 IVF miscarriage - 6 in total), I couldn't help but hope during each and every cyle. I'd try to stay reserved but you have to have some hope if you are going to continue on this path...and you have GREAT reason for hope. You have some good looking embies in the freezer there (at the best lab in the U.S.!). Stay hopeful, healthy, and enjoy life for a little while! I really do want this for you badly.

  5. Wow, just reading your recap of your IVFs reminded me of your long "journey", though you know I hate using that word. When you go through so much heartache, you get to a point that you expect it, and when you find yourself in a moment without it, it's hard to know how to feel. I'm SO glad you at this stage, hurdles behind you, checks marked off previous steps. Now, it's just moving foward step by step, check by check. Keep on going!!!

  6. Girl, you have been on one of those super extreme coasters for this ride. Seriously.

    I can feel the peace in your words. You have so much to be hopeful for this go around and riding that wave to the shore should be pure bliss...keep riding. (-;

  7. Hope is a crazy thing! This entry gave me goosebumps when I got to the last IVF...I have such a good feeling about this. It has to be it. I am cheering you on all the way! Lara