Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sunday musings...again

Thanks for hanging in yesterday.

We got to get together again with Phoebe! To steal a phrase from Jill, we went on an 'ovary friendly' walk at Cherry Creek Park and then went out for delicious Indian food. It was such a fun visit!

So today's ultrasound showed we had four over 20 and a bunch more between 17 and 19, and then of course a ton more behind that. It doesn't really matter what anyone else says, I'm triggering tonight and then showing up for an egg retrieval 35 hours later! Seriously. They're as ready as they're going to be. But just as an example of different tech's measuring's tech measured the biggest one at 22 not 27 like yesterday. It's all so subjective. I will be very interested in finding out my estrogen for today and also whether she'll let me do the big trigger tonight with a booster trigger twelve hours later, all in the hopes of more mature eggs.

Speaking of today's tech...I remembered her so clearly from our last CCRM adventure. She was the tech who went in to the transfer room with us. If you'll recall, our transfer last time wasn't the happiest of experiences. I'm sorry for that, but I was still in post-traumatic shock from our fertilization report and feeling dropped by our doctor.

It was election day--a day full of hope. A day I wanted two miracles to occur.

But it was also a day that was supposed to be different for us. We were supposed to have had lots of embryos growing, lots to choose from, not doing a "transfer whatever we had." And even though the embryologist called one of our embryos "highly implantable" I was so sad that day.

I started crying when I got positioned for the transfer. My heart was breaking at the realization that all of our planning and hoping and dreaming had come down to that moment. The doctor, a male, seemed a little bewildered if not a little uncomfortable with my tears. The embryologist didn't seem to notice. But the tech, she noticed.

She kept rubbing my leg and patting me and handing me kleenexes and asking me if I needed to wait. She was so kind and gentle.

So today was the first day I had her this go around. I decided to tell her how I remembered her kindness and how much it was appreciated. Of course--with an estrogen of over 6,000 you know what happened. I started crying all over again! She gave me a big hug and got teary herself.

If we get to a transfer this time, it will be different. My expectations are different. My heart is different. But I will also accept comfort and kindness from those around us in this big machine known as CC.R.M. It's what gets you through sometimes.


  1. I bet you made her day, telling her how much she meant to you at that time. I hope this retrieval is such a different experience from your transfer last time... You have a great attitude about it, and a big cheering section behind you. Can't wait to hear about the trigger and retrieval!

  2. I am finally all caught up here and have had a number of tears streaming throughout so many of your posts. This is such an emotional freaking journey!!

    I did have to crack up with the nurse asking what you really were going to do about the gonal-f. You go girl. I think if we had our own u/s machines, we would really only need the clinic for ER, the lab, and ET. (-; It would at least save a lot of the "debate", ya know?

    I want your next transfer to be so much different. I know it will for your expectations and your heart, but I want it to be different for what the last should have been...

    Hoping your trigger and retrieval all go out without a hitch. Hang in there. This part is almost over - says the girl who doesn't have 25 follicles on her right ovary. Youch.

  3. I also think you made that u/s tech's day. It is so nice to hear that you are appreciated and make a difference. I am going to be absolutely shocked if this transfer isn't better. I think you will have a great cycle in the end -the hardest, most problematic ones often seem to turn out the best. So, end result: this struggle will be so worth it. Hang in there! Things sound like they are definitely picking up!

  4. That's so nice you had the u/s tech again that made your transfer last time just a little tiny bit better. She probably wasn't thrilled to be working Sunday but after seeing you, I think you made her work have a little more meaning than simply doing vaginal u/s all day. That was really nice of you. My fingers are crossed for you for ER and I too am curious to know what kind of trigger they're going to give you as I haven't heard of this super HCG shot and then a booster later. But hey, whatever works right??? This is it and I have everything crossed for you!!!!!!

  5. It's wonderful to see a familiar,friendy face at those times when your heart is so fragile. When the nurse that delivered our twins walked into my room when I was in labor with Katie, my heart felt like it had just been hugged. I'm sending you internet hugs for your heart. Pull that trigger tonight, girl!

  6. Wahoo, trigger time!!!! At least we both hope! I feel like this cycle has gone so much better, even though there were lots of ups and downs. This just has to be your time!!! So excited for you and can't wait to hear your next update.