Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A celebration of many 'lasts!'

Mr. LastChance and I celebrated the fact that he administered, and my keister received, the last trigger shot of our lives.

We almost celebrated at 1:16 am the other night but held off because--yup--we did a booster trigger yesterday just to 'do something different' (my RE's words.). Estrogen stayed at 6700 or so because Antagon took it down and then the trigger took it right back up.


While waiting for our shuttle bus to take us to our fourth hotel (ridiculous, I know, but we managed to never pay over $40 bucks a night at nice hotels via Price.line--thanks Jill!!) we were soaking up the beautiful Colorado weather and sunshine and reflecting on this journey.

Not just this journey--this wild ride that thus far has encompassed IVF #5--but the whole bloody, grizzled, four+ year journey that has seen us seeking that blasted second line.

If anyone had seen us from the outside they would have imagined we were just a couple talking about something happy and light. We were holding hands, we were laughing--we were, in fact, being happy and light. Even while discussing the fact that this journey has separated us from 90% of the world, and that in so many ways when we're around our fertile friends and their beautiful children or just out in the world, we feel at odds, we feel different. We feel separated by this invisible chasm that runs so deep and wide no one who has not been on this side will ever, ever, understand it.

Different, that's us. But then again, we always wanted to be different. Be careful what you wish for.

But we weren't crying or screaming or pitching a fit while we were talking.

It's that relief. That sheer exhilarating relief of knowing we will never be in the midst of this again.

We reveled in the fact that, for the most part, we've always been on the exact same page regarding treatment. There has never been a time when one of us has said yes and the other has said no. There's never been a time when one of us has wanted to stop and the other has wanted to push forward.

We can, at least, be thankful for that.

But really, for so much more.

I guess it's true of so many struggles in life--if you have a good, solid partner in life you hunker down together, hands, hearts and souls united, and emerge on the other side a stronger unit. I know that's the case for us. Some days I'm not sure how we got so lucky in that regard.

Lucky? Did I just use the word 'lucky' related to our infertility struggle?

By God, I did.

And now I'm tearing up because we are almost there.

Please God, please please please let there be some good eggs (we'll take even just one!) in my ovaries today. Please let them fertilize...please let us be, for once, not different. Just normal. Just plain vanilla regular no sprinkles on top normal.



  1. Good luck with your ER today! Can't wait to hear your update! And have a safe flight back.

  2. You're very welcome regarding the hotels, glad it helped you out.

    Our relationships sound very similar. We too have always been on the same page regarding treatment, when to keep going and when to stop. We are lucky, there, I said it too, lucky! I can't imagine having to go through this with an unsupportive dh who wants to quit before you're ready to. I also understand the, thank God I'm done cycling. May we both be blessed with our last cycle!

    I am so excited about your ER!!! I'm guessing 27 eggs.

  3. Its great when you can realize that you are really lucky (my epiphany like that came after my m/c)...and you ARE lucky! A truly great relationship is something rare and amazing. Good luck on your ER today...I'm crossing my fingers for some good numbers and (even more importantly) great quality!

  4. I got teary eyed just reading this post. Yes, IF is so hard and separates you from so much and so many people, but there really can be good things that come from it. You have met some amazing women who have shared your struggle and you have shared a bond like no other with Mr. LastChance.

    My DH and I have always been on the same page regarding our IF treatments too. I feel the exact same way. I always thought "I am so lucky (yep, lucky) to have my DH and have him in this IF journey with me." Not all partners agree on how far you should go or do they want to go as far in treatments.

    I am rooting for you like you wouldn't believe! I hope you have an awesome ER today and that you get at least 25 eggs of awesome quality!

  5. For some reason, this post reduced me to a crying mess. =) A happy crying mess.

    I think you're only about an hour away from retrieval now, and my stomach is full of butterflies.

    You guys can DO this!

  6. I also was teary eyed reading this. I've never met you, but I'm pulling for you all the way here in NC! I just hope this works for you. You deserve some good news! Keep us posted.

  7. Chills and tears here.

    Hoping for some normal, some good, some great. Wishing, hoping, willing this last chance to be THE chance. The only one in the end that matters.

  8. Good luck, I am hoping so hard! I know what you mean - I love my husband more than ever now.

  9. Rooting for one good egg for you (plus more!!) that will fertilize, turn into a top graded blast and become your baby! You and Mr. LastChance are very lucky to have each other and one of the only good things that comes out of IF is that I think it makes your relationship so much stronger. GOOD LUCK!