Wednesday, August 19, 2009


It was bound to happen.

First hope came crawling back, begging for a second chance.

Now I find fear clawing at my back door again, desperate to get in.

Damn emotions.

I've been thinking about our embryos. Six normal looking embryos. More than we've ever had. Good stuff for us.

But vitrified on day 3.

Not grown to blast. Not biopsied and sent for super high tech genetic testing.

Just plain vanilla day 3 embies.

Should we have pushed? Should we have chosen to do genetic testing?

I don't know, I don't know.

I've been reading blogs like crazy--blogs I've never ever read before. I keep 'happening' upon stories of successful day 3 transfers. Which then leads to me thinking: "Ok, day 3s can work." I know some beautiful day 3 transfer babies in real life, for God's sake--I know they can work. But being in the world that is CC.R.M. puts me around a lot of ladies doing CGH blast transfers. I feel like I'm out of my league completely.

So then fear starts creeping in. Why would it work for me?

And then the complete opposite--if we transfer four, what happens if three take?

At which point I usually start laughing manically in my head (not out, loud, I'm not that crazy.....yet) thinking: our odds are low that only one would take, why in the f would I be worried about multiples?

At which point maniacal self starts doing that whole "wouldn't it be just like us to just want plain vanilla and wind up with wild triple fudge ripple stripe with nuts and cherries and whipped cream?"

I think I'm cracking up and I know I'm rambling here.

On a different note, I'm still full-on sugar. I can't help it. It's been such an overwhelmingly good feeling to know I can at least eat what I want for this week or so without feeling guilt or panic that I've just ruined my egg quality. Plus all this back and forth arguing in my own brain tends to bring out some stress eating...

oh the joys of the last chance ivf!


  1. The stress of the Last Chance IVf, I am in a similiar situation and it is enough to go batty!! I wish you all the best and will send sticky vibes you way.

  2. I understand fear - and I hate it - it is ruling my life at this point - as I sit here, unable to sleep at 2:20 am.


  3. I know it's tough to beat yourself up over the "what could have beens" but remember, back before you were coming down off a stress and hormone (and sugar) high, you chose this route. You've researched and planned every step of this based on what is right for you and Mr. LC! This was part of YOUR plan- a very good plan- that you had thought over carefully! Don't second guess yourself now- this plan wasn't all willy-nilly, it was thought and executed based on a ton of research and know-how from both you and your docs. Have faith in it :)
    As far as how many to transfer, that's totally up to you (obviously). There is that chance that every embryo becomes a real-life baby, albeit a small one. Two 3-embryo transfers, three 2-embryo transfers, or one 4 embryo transfer: that once again becomes one of those hurdles that requires the careful crafting, planning and thought that you, mr. LC, and your "big guns" in colorado get to plan and execute! Good Luck!

  4. Hope and Fear--- both edges to the same sword. I completely understand all of your emotions and you are not alone. When are you going ot do your transfer?

  5. Your poor weary head and heart. =( I wish I could take away the fear.

    I have a crazy idea. K, here goes. This is all hypothetical.

    Your embies are thawed in preparation for your transfer. You transfer your best-looking 3 or 4 embies. The remaining 2 or 3 are allowed to grow to Day 5. They make it! Then, if you wanted to, you could biopsy these embies and perform CGH testing. THEN, if you ever wanted to try for siblings, you'd at least know if the remaining 2 or 3 were "normal."

    Is that a crazy idea?

    Regardless, you and Mr. LC have made the best choice FOR YOU. And I think it was a good choice! *hugs*

  6. I have similar sorts of emotions that can go from feeling JUST GREAT to holy hell why am *I* feeling great, things don't work out for me...and then it tumbles down from there...uhhh I had a point, that I've lost....Of course everyone always tells me, not to worry that "it is what it is" but you know that never helps... So worry away, and eat some really good chocolate while you are doing it.

  7. I know it is terrifying. I had a really hard time after transfer too b/c I was so worried about failure and that this was our last shot (and then would DE even be an option? really? They wouldn't answer that in the transfer room). And I did the crazy day 5 blast CGH BUT (emphasize that BUT) day 3 transfers are just as successful as day 5, some REs will argue they are more successful! There is nothing to make them less successful other than the fact that you have no guarantee that they've continued to keep growing to day 5....the rest is really the same. I think you so rarely see day 3 transfers at our clinic b/c everyone pushes for day 5. I had a day 3 transfer in the worked, but we had bad luck. I would not hesitate to transfer 4, I've done it 3 times at the age of 33 and 34...and each time I got scared thinking we are going to go from famine to feast...but it didn't happen. My RE at my fall transfer said, when discussing transferring 3 or 4, "what is your worst case scenario? getting pregnant with all 4 and possibly having some very hard decisions, or not getting pregnant at all?". We seriously had to say "not getting pregnant at all" b/c that was really going to be our last shot...we were broke and broken down. So, consider it on that level and go with your heart.

    By the way, positivity is totally overrated. It doesn't get you a better cycle or anything so feel free to feel however you do about this, just go forward. (yes, stress impacts normal fertility but studies show it has NO IMPACT at all on an IVF be free to stress without stressing yourself out more about your stress!).

  8. I truly don't know enough to be able to give an honest opinion as to which it better. I do know that you have put so much time and research into this cycle and you're with one of the best clinics in the country. With all of that in mind I believe that you have and will make the best decisions for you, Mr. LC, and your embies! Definitely run the range of emotions you need to but try to let hope and faith beat down that stinking old fear :)

    Hugs to you!!

  9. I totally get the fear factor, I actually had to seek help to overcome it.

    I know this wait is hard, it's like you're stuck in this frozen state for the next couple of months not having a clue how your embryos will progress. Try and keep yourself busy with nonIF stuff. Living on the boards/blogs will stress you to the max.

    Try to keep in mind that you had made what you felt were the best decisions for you prior to your cycle and everything went as planned in the end, so don't 2nd guess yourself. Also that this is the best outcome you've ever had. Tons of women get pg with day 3 transfers all the time, and so can you.

    Cheering you on from the sidelines.

  10. I'm going to be in the same boat as you. Day 3 transfer of whatever number of embryos we get, up to six!! I too want the security of the Day 5 CGH embryos, but there are risks with blasts, small, but it happened to us. The lack of control is maddening. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it all. Getting off the sugar will help your mood swings. I got rid of my sugar cravings by juicing. I'm serious. Whenever I get the urge to have chocolate or something evil, I know it's time for a glass of juice. It always cures the craving. Will you join my juicing cult?!

  11. I've read everyone's comments and my thoughts are the same. You and Mr. LC researched this fully and you did everything right for both of you. I know your mind can wonder, but just tell yourself that you did everything in your best power. You made it this far. You're alright. You are alright.

  12. I say bring on the wild triple fudge ripple! Obviously, you would be second guessing your choices no matter what, but one thing is certain: You have done everything humanly possible to make this work- and then some. It's an absurd understatement to say that you have given this your very best. I don't know if this is wierd voodoo, or even stalker-esque, but I had a two-line dream about you guys the other night. And whether it's for plan A or plan B, I simply cannot WAIT to give you a baby shower. Nobody deserves it more. Sorry to keep playing phone tag. I'll try to get you this weekend- and brunch Friday?

  13. Wow, girl, super huge hugs. I can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders through your words.

    There will always be one more "what if?" to contend with at every step in this journey. You have researched and questioned and discussed to make the best decision for your situation. When we were doing our last chance IVF, Schoolie told us that he would not recommend CGH for us unless we wanted the information as to the "why" we couldn't get pregnant. He based this on us having so few embryos every cycle and always transferring everything that survived anyway.

    I know there has to be a couple of great ones in your 6-pack and am holding out hope for this to really be THE cycle. Hugs.

  14. still reading, still hoping...hopefully the fear will subside! thought of y'all tonight when i looked at a game piece from a bag of gummy lifesavers i bought today. not buy a bag because you may see some hidden meaning in there. seriously, i should scan it for you. to the average joe it didn't win. however, it may seem strangely cryptic to you!