So the dreams have started.
Two nights ago and I had the most wonderful, glorious dream. I was pregnant.
Now some of my happiest moments over the past four plus years have been in my dreams. Literally. I've had so many incredibly realistic 'positive pregnancy test moment' dreams, 'big belly dreams', 'delivery room dreams'...the list goes on and on.
But two nights ago, I dreamed about transferring those little embryos and having them actually stay around. I dreamed about seeing my ob/gyn (the super sweet man who didn't charge me for my ultrasounds before going to CC.R.M.) and giving him a huge hug in celebration and telling him I would finally, finally be his patient for a pregnancy and delivery.
I woke up in total bliss.
Last night I had the opposite dream.
I dreamed we got the negative call. I've endured four of those "I'm sorry your beta is less than two. Stop all meds. Your period should start soon. I'm sorry your IVF failed...AGAIN" calls.
And in the dream I remember thinking about those embryos and how I was so shocked that none of them decided to stick around.
When I woke up I was in a total panic. I was all sweaty and dissheveled, the sheets all twisted around me. And then as I came to I exhaled when I remembered: yay, we haven't had a transfer yet! We still have embies!
I need good sleep. I need good rest. I cannot endure back and forth dreams until we get to transfer and either the dream or nightmare comes true.
I guess I'm surprised about this go-around. I went in with such a different attitude. An almost blase attitude...you know, if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't. Finito. Done. Never have to do another fertility treatment again.
But damn, I guess I really really want this to work.
I wonder what tonight's slumber will bring?
3 years ago