Monday, August 24, 2009

Can I get some rest around here?

So the dreams have started.

Two nights ago and I had the most wonderful, glorious dream. I was pregnant.

Now some of my happiest moments over the past four plus years have been in my dreams. Literally. I've had so many incredibly realistic 'positive pregnancy test moment' dreams, 'big belly dreams', 'delivery room dreams'...the list goes on and on.

But two nights ago, I dreamed about transferring those little embryos and having them actually stay around. I dreamed about seeing my ob/gyn (the super sweet man who didn't charge me for my ultrasounds before going to CC.R.M.) and giving him a huge hug in celebration and telling him I would finally, finally be his patient for a pregnancy and delivery.

I woke up in total bliss.

Last night I had the opposite dream.

I dreamed we got the negative call. I've endured four of those "I'm sorry your beta is less than two. Stop all meds. Your period should start soon. I'm sorry your IVF failed...AGAIN" calls.

And in the dream I remember thinking about those embryos and how I was so shocked that none of them decided to stick around.

When I woke up I was in a total panic. I was all sweaty and dissheveled, the sheets all twisted around me. And then as I came to I exhaled when I remembered: yay, we haven't had a transfer yet! We still have embies!

I need good sleep. I need good rest. I cannot endure back and forth dreams until we get to transfer and either the dream or nightmare comes true.

I guess I'm surprised about this go-around. I went in with such a different attitude. An almost blase know, if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't. Finito. Done. Never have to do another fertility treatment again.

But damn, I guess I really really want this to work.

I wonder what tonight's slumber will bring?


  1. I'm pulling for pregnancy dream...power of positive thinking and all...

  2. I am sorry about the bad dreams - I have had some myself and they are really horrible.


  3. Oy. Our subconscious reeeeeealy knows when to mess with us, eh?

    I've had a few prophetic dreams....and many more dreams made of utter nonsense. I'm hoping your pregnancy dream was the real deal, and the BFN dream was just the result of nerves.

    When I close my eyes, I can picture you with that big belly! =)

  4. Your mind is totally messing with you, girl! I'm hoping for another peaceful night of blissful dreams... (-;

    Blase attitude or not - I really, really want this to work for you too.

  5. I think it is so hard to keep that blase attitude. The reason we keep doing this is because there is hope somewhere inside of it is coming out in your dreams. I really really want this one to work for will keep sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

  6. Oh those horrible negative calls, they're the worst! Sounds like your subconscious is flip flopping back and forth between your fears and hope. Keep speaking and thinking hope, crowd out that fear. Hoping for many peaceful dreams to come.

  7. I think dreams work out what you don't process during the day. I don't think they are prophetic, but they can provide you useful information. I don't have many dreams about pregnancy/non-pregnancy. Probably because I'm constantly thinking about it during the day.

    I think it's hard to be blase when you have just plunked down $20k for a procedure. Of course you really want it!! I really want it for you too.

  8. Any time I have any anxiety (which, let's face it, is most times)one of the first symptoms is the bad dreams. I usually love a good murder documentary but in high anxiety I know not to watch them. I hope you and Mr. LastChance are taking care of each other(I'm sure you are)and I'm sending out all my good thoughts for your embryos.

  9. of COURSE you really want this to work! you wouldn't be doing it if you really didn't care either way. you can't fool yourself. i mean, isn't it impossible to switch your mind? for the record, i REALLY want it to work too!!!