Monday, November 2, 2009

1.5 weeks?

Seriously? We could be going out for a transfer in 1.5 weeks?

Holy cow.

Of course, I promise I am not counting chickens before they hatch. A lot could go down between now and then...the lining could be freakin' 25 mm on Friday, my estrogen could be too low, my embryos could not thaw properly, yadda yadda yadda. But right this minute I choose to believe we will take a little plane ride next Tuesday night and go in for a little old transfer on Wednesday. I can feel the Valium now, and it feels good.

Speaking of Valium, why can't they prescribe two or three of those, or let's face it--enough to get me through the 2WW completely zonked out. That sounds delicious to me at this point.

When I have thought about this lastchance IVF, I have never really thought about the outcome. Sounds dumb, right? But it's so much easier to float that hope along by keeping my brain just on the surface, never dipping too deep, because dipping in deep means thinking about the end. And yes, I know what I've said here--it's all in black and white after all--about how when this is over it's really over, we're done. And how I don't feel as emotionally fraught this go around.

Well maybe I lied a little bit. Because all those other days I wasn't here yet, staring down the barrel of the 'it's almost over' gun.

The thing is: I really really want this to work. Sssshhhhhhhhhhh.

So those who've known me for a while, and know my old stomping ground as well, know that I bake when I stress. So guess what? Seven homemade loaves of bread later...I'm still a little stressed. I posted pics over there....and tonight I might try a recipe for pumpkin spice cream cheese cupcakes. And I was perusing a magazine last night and saw about thirteen other recipes I am dying to try...

Breathe in, breathe out.
Knead in, roll out.

12 comments:

  1. Wow, 1.5 weeks away??? How exciting and terrifying at the same time! Of course you want this to work and believe it or not, I want it to work for you just as much as you do. I know this time is full of anxiety, hope and fear. One thing that really helped me was just taking one day at a time. I didn't allow myself to think about anything beyond today. Today has enough to deal with on it's own. Don't think about the thaw or transfer, thinking about your e2/lining is enough. On the sidelines rooting you on!

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  2. Ahhh, yes, the Valium:) I love being on valium and I think that they should give us a couple of them for results day too.

    I'm glad you are baking and doing things to keep busy while you wait for the next 1.5 weeks. Maybe you can plan some fun stuff for the 2ww to make the time fly by sooner then too.

    I am hoping, wishing and praying for you!!:):)

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  3. Seven loaves of bread?! Wow! I find that acupuncture helps with the stress. I'm going to send you a CD that will also have some stress relievers in them. They have been helping me. I would have burned the CD this weekend, but I was too busy moving, in a virtual kinda way!

    I want this for you too, in a big way!

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  4. Ugh, I know this feeling. I did it last time. I somehow convinced myself that the end didn't matter...until about a week before transfer. Seriously, I did the one-day-at-a-time thing so well that when it hit me, my head spun. it...is...scary!!!! But, the only choice is to move forward and see what happens...and I am seriously praying. I so badly want this to work for you. I want to see a cheesy pregnant after IVF blog and soon! Hang in there.

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  5. That is the thing about anticipation...it gets tired, but then you kind of want to hang on to it because possibility rides along.

    I hope to count your chicken next year!

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  6. If you need to mail some calories my way, I'll send the address!
    ;)
    Deep breath.... you can do it. and honestly we all want this to work too!
    Can't wait!

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  7. It is soon, but its also been a long journey. I'm keeping all my fingers, toes, and everywhere else crossed for you. And have you ever seen this blog: http://stresscake.wordpress.com/

    That's not you, is it? That is some good looking bread.

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  8. I too can't believe it's almost transfer time for you. If I recall correctly, it's next week on Nov 11th which is Remembrance Day (at least in Canada) - kind of fitting that it's a day that honors veterans of wars and serves as a reminder of where we have come from and where we are today and how much brigher our future is because of our past struggles to improve our lives. This really has been a war in some sense of the word hasn't it? I have been hoping and thinking about you all the time and will be with you in spirit at CCRM. Sending you lots of love and hugs :)

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  9. I wish my desire for this to work was enough because I really want you guys to get your dream, you deserve it. I'm hoping for the best possible outcome (with a couple extra Valiums thrown in for funsies)

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  10. I highly recommend the pumpkin spice cream cheese cupcakes with chocolate bits added into the batter and making them with cream cheese middles too (like a Hostess cupcake, but pumpkin). So good.

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  11. Next week?? Wow! You know that many of us in the universe are hoping really hard for you! Good luck! Fingers crossed!

    Ooooh - and the bread looks yummy!

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