I guess today I'm in the sadness stage.
I think it started last night, considering I sat in the middle of my kitchen on the floor and sobbed for an hour or so.
My heart is hurting so much and that doesn't describe it.
I went for my final insult blood draw this morning. I threw away those positive HPTs because I could no longer stand to see them.
I talked to my sister last night. She reminded me, quite matter of factly, that because of past experience I know that time will help. Yeah, she's right. But she's also fertile and has absolutely no fucking idea of the pain I am in. She never will; it's simply impossible for her. She takes her kids to soccer and does homework with them and bakes cookies with them and is already doing Santa Claus shopping for them and she carried them in her uterus for nine months and felt them kick and felt them grow and laid on her bed at night in awe and wonder watching her belly move with their movements and said to her husband "look at this! feel this!" and he did and she went through labor and birthed them and saw them come screaming into the world and then she nursed them at her breast and she knew that when they cried someone would pick them up and she knew that she gave them the best chance in life because she took excellent care of herself and she watched them sleeping in their crib at night in amazement that they were hers.
And I will get none of that. And I'm sorry, no amount of time heals that wound completely.
PS I didn't go out to dinner on Saturday with my doc friend. Their beta yesterday was 255. Because it was their first IVF. Because they cycled with us, so that naturally meant we would lose and they would win. Because that's the way it feels right now.
3 years ago