Monday, November 30, 2009

Eating my own words.

When we were in the throes of the fresh part of this lastchance cycle, I remember looking at Mr. LC and saying: "Boy am I glad this is the last time to go to a retrieval."

When we nervously pressed play on our answering machine to hear our fertilization report, my hands were shaking. I said to him again: "Who does this to themselves? This is awful...all this waiting, all this nervousness. Never, ever again."

When we woke up the morning of the transfer and my phone rang with the familiar C.C.R.M. area code I freaked out and said to Mr. LC: "Never again. Who can put themselves through this kind of agony, this kind of waiting for the possible bad news?"

And now I'm eating my words.

I've been starving for four years and I finally had a taste of success. The tiniest sliver of nourishment, of sustenance, was offered to me and I greedily gobbled it right down.

And now I think, how do I get more of that? That tasted so incredibly good. That morsel made me the happiest I've been in my entire life. I've now been made even more aware of just how hungry I really really was, all those years.

Please, sir, can I have a little more?

But this was it. Our last chance. And so I have to think about those words, and try to capture the way I felt when I said them. I have to try to get to that place mentally--when I felt like I would soon be free from all of this ART nightmare.

Of course the inherent danger with saying anything grandiose is that you never can anticipate how you'll feel when you get to the next step. When you fail the next cycle.

And really, there isn't an option. I haven't suddenly gotten a raise and Mr. LC hasn't gotten discovered. Despite numerous national awards we're still in the hole on that venture. He doesn't even want to do it anymore, and who can blame him? I took a second job but it's to help pay off the lastchance IVF. I literally looked on the Discovery Health website to see how to pitch my story--because hey, who doesn't like to watch a train wreck? But apparently you have to have a producer pitch the story.

Any producers out there reading?
Two responsible, mature grown ups, sans any addictions (except maybe to cycling??) want desperately to be parents. The mister is a children's musician on the side (ironic!) and the missus can bake like the best of them. They've failed five in vitro cycles--wouldn't you like to follow them on a few more?

Oh wait--we'd just open ourselves up for all the abuse--how selfish! why not just adopt! there are so many needy kids out there so why spend resources to create your own! why do you want to be like octomom!

I'm just writing to stay alive.

PS We did not book our now MUCH NEEDED trip to NYC. It just got too expensive. Oh how hindsight is 20/20.


  1. I know this probably isn't helpful but to be honest I'm not sure how you could NOT feel that way...

  2. Maybe if I'm successful on the FET, we can pitch a story about me donating a half dozen blasts to you and the mourning of your bio baby, our children having full siblings, but different parents. :) Of course, I'll be filmed in dark shadow only as I really don't need the abuse of the religious right who, ironically, would also vote to hang me if I'd discarded the "leftover" embryos.

  3. This is so completely and utterly unfair. How many times to I have to say that? I wish I was someone that "knew" people, but I'm not.

    The taste is so cruel. Especially right here at what is supposed to be the happy ending. And what evidently, despite all our hoping, has to be the end. I'm sure you are running so many scenarios in your head. Who wouldn't? Who is able to turn it off just like that?

  4. Personally, I like Sky's comment and think it is a cool idea! But, I never know how people are about DE or DS or anything like that...just because it doesn't mean much to me, doesn't mean it isn't a crushing thought to someone else.

    I was so excited to hear about your positive test. I know how that feels...that was the feeling that made us go into debt to our eyeballs for our second IVF at CCRM too. I mean, I had given up before that too...and felt I may be ready to move on...but absolutely couldn't after that. I even begged them to tell me that maybe just maybe we really needed DE but if we did do DE that it WOULD DEFINITELY work. I was so done. I hate this so much. I can't even tell you how much just because each stage hurt so much already that feeling like you've reached the end...ugh. So angry at the world for you.

  5. I'm so sorry you're in this situation! If it makes you feel any better, I'd totally watch that show :) People have done crazier things for IF coverage, that's for sure. It's just such a shame that so many people are OOP for all or most of their treatments and meds. Have you read that one blogger's story about being laid off from her job as a speech pathologist and getting a job at Kinko's because it offered 3 100% covered IVFs?

  6. What about Oprah? She gives things to very deserving people, maybe you should get someone to pitch it to her? She could pony up for three or even FOUR more last chances without a dent in that fortune.

    I absolutely despise that money is making this the end of the road, it must just be so much more frustrating.

  7. Anonymous cracks me up because I believe you do know that blogger!

    In the end, it sucks that anyone has to pay, especially OOP, for a chance that others have at no cost. The expense of IVF with no guaranteed results is crazy too. I would be all for someone else footing the bill, but would you want their opinion (or a million other opinions if it was televised) too? Ugh. I wish Pampers or other companies had "scholarships" for parenthood. Sure, there would be ethical dilemmas about a baby company sponsoring IVF (or adoption) but who really cares as long as those who want to be parents get to be one?

    It is insult to injury that money has such a huge factor in all of this when you've already gone through so much.

  8. I just found your blog the other day and probably wouldn't have commented yet, but I actually know a woman who, last I heard, was a producer for Discovery. I kid you not. She was with some nature program, though. I'll send an email to her and see if she's still there.

  9. I think I've said this on every comment I've made the past few days, but I really do mean it...I'm sorry this sucks so much.

    My feelings for cycling again right after our last cycle were very strong because we had finally made our first respectable embryo. I can only imagine how amplified these feelings are for you after experiencing a loss. I still struggle with wanting to cycle even now. Some of it is just wanting it so much and some of it is the whole "Tell me I can't have something and I will find a way to make it work." (No wonder I'm in therapy...).

    If you find a good pitch, let me know and I'll sign up right next to you. I think you mentioned once that you were my egg twin. Maybe we could work that angle too?!

  10. It is horrible that money is what is holding your family making plans just seems so unfair that a million dumbasses a day have kids and people that deserve them don't...but I'm sure you've heard that one before.

    I'm sorry you aren't going to NYC, I was really hoping it would be there for you!

  11. Ugh, I hate to say it, but I'm glad to hear that you're not throwing in the towel. I think that sounds bad, but I mean it in a good way-
    First, I wanted you to be able to not do more because of SUCCESS. duh! But then, after it didn't work, I just think... GAH! How can these people not create more people to populate this world with! it has to happen!! I wish that I was in a position to help you- a producer, a lottery winner, you know- anything!
    I know you and Mr. LC have said adoption was always a plan- would it be possible to adopt FIRST then pursue ART next, so that your PARENTING journey starts, and you can pursue the next step after that? I guess logistically, that might not work.
    Ugh.. I'm frustrated for you and just thinking out loud! dammit. I'm even mad at myself for not being able to help...

  12. My sweet, sweet DAVs. (I'm sorry that I've been absent during your last couple posts)

    I don't even know what to say that hasn't already been said.

    We all want this SO much for you. It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach that money has to play a role in any of this. Stupid-ass green pieces and paper standing between you and parenthood. IT'S NOT FAIR.

    I know a producer in SF...but so far she's only shot music videos and very short documentaries. I could put out my feelers to see if she knows anyone. If those f***in' Duggars are assisted in maintaining their 19 children lifestyle.....don't even get me started.

    Ok, I'm rambling. My mind is just so full of hurt for you. We have to make this work. A solution has to be out there, doesn't it?

    Please know that I love you lots, and that you're in my thoughts lots, and that every day I pray for you to make it through the day. *hugs*

  13. I stumbled across your blog and read the past few weeks posts. I cried with you at the devastation of your last cycle - I've had my own IVF negatives and tastes of possibilities.

    I'm not sure if it is even an option for you to consider, but may people in our shoes have moved on to donor egg cycles - and it's amazing what it feels like to be on the big number side of the percentages! I know cost is a huge issue with donor - but two options might be worth considering: Donor egg IVF in Europe (around $10K including travel) or donor embryo-FET in the US (around $5 - $6K).

    I wish you clarity and peace in your decision for the next steps. I truly believe that time helps make the open or closed doors easier to recognize.

    PS - you're an incredibly engaging writer, thanks for sharing your story

  14. One thing I have learned about doing IVF is to never say never. I did things I never, ever thought I would do. It's so sad. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so hard.

    On the money making schemes, I'm seriously considering growing medical marijuana. But then I think, maybe that's one toke over the line?