One emotion I have felt this go around that is new is surprised.
As in, surprised at how incredibly awful I feel right now.
Most people would wonder how someone who has failed miserably at four IVFs could be surprised at the feelings of another failure...after all, we've been here before.
But it's like seeing that test line come up positive stripped away all my previous armour that I had built up from surviving other negatives. I was suddenly reduced to my bare, raw self, fully exposed. It was like the past four years just faded into oblivion--suddenly they didn't matter. All that mattered was seeing a positive.
We spent the day running errands. We kept grabbing onto each others hands and looking at each other and just smiling. Mr. LC said he was finally, finally feeling content.
So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this. I am surprised. I thought it would either be an epic fail or a resounding success. And whether this makes me a fool or not, I deep down honestly thought, despite our low chance of success, that we would beat it.
For a short while I was a hospice nurse. I remember one time giving this woman a shot and as I reached down to put the bandaid on, she reached up and grabbed my hand in a panic. She was emaciated, cancer having destroyed her body, but her grip was surprisingly strong. She had thin wisps of hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, because she had fought with chemo up until the bitter end. Her skin was like paper. When her hand grabbed my arm she said "Wait! I'm allergic to latex! Those aren't latex are they?"
Because even while dying in a hospice, she was fighting to live.
I think if I had asked her, she still thought she was going to surprise everyone and beat her disease.
Because even while knowing the odds were against us, we were fighting to succeed.
And yeah, if you asked me, I thought we were going to beat infertility.
But we didn't. We lost. And I still wake up in the night and can't quite wrap my brain around that. I don't know what that says about me. Am I stupid? A fighter? In complete and total denial?
We feel completely and totally lost about where to go next. When I've previously mentioned Plan A, well, suddenly that just isn't as black and white either.
Does anyone have a map they can loan me?
And PS: Happy Thanksgiving. It breaks my heart all over again when I think about the news I am not going to be giving.
2 years ago