Saturday, November 28, 2009


I am warning any readers, I am not in a pretty place right now.

I did have many things to be thankful for, but I'm sorry, right now the bad overshadows the good. My heart is raw.

Sleep is now my enemy. When I can fall asleep, I have dreams about two f'ing lines on a home pregnancy test. I'm so blissful in those dreams, until the lines evaporate in front of me and I'm told they're just that--evaporation lines. I woke up yesterday after dreaming about two pink lines and the pain was so real again I went into the shower to sob.

Because, see, I had to keep it together for my Mom, who knew nothing of this. Who is in such a bad place herself right now dealing with my Dad that I was literally holding her up. Being strong for her. When all I really wanted to do was curl into a ball in her lap and bawl my eyes out and tell her how horrible I feel.

Instead, I changed my Dad's diapers.

Instead, we sat around crying trying to figure out the next steps for his care.

Instead, I cried onto my Dad's shoulder while he tried to comfort me--my tears for his pain and anguish and my own.

Instead, I pushed him around his property while he talked aloud about how he can't wait to get to work on his pine tree farm again.

My Dad's fight is like our fight.

After his stroke, I just knew that if anyone had a chance, it was him. He was strong, he was a fighter. He was going to defy the odds and surprise everyone.

We were too.

And now I just feel like we make quite the pair: both broken, unfixable, our families and loved ones circling around us trying to do little things to make us feel better, hoping we'll just accept our plight and make the best of it. My Dad still thinks he's going to get better--he cannot face his new reality. I can't either.

I feel like an MRI of my reproductive future would look as grim as my Dad's brain MRI. Shocking, even.

Today while driving home we talked about one week ago today. One week ago today our world looked bright and happy. One week ago today, as foolish as it was, I was making plans. Imagining hanging a tiny third stocking next to our two big ones. Today, I have the physical reminder of my failure, I bleed and bleed and bleed, and we will hang two stockings yet again. If we even bother to put up Christmas decorations.

If we had a million dollars we 'd keep trying.

But we don't.

I've appreciated the new readers/commenters. I appreciate any ideas.

I'm just so lost.

Edit to add: I'm so lost I'm just sitting here staring at the TV. Dangerous. I saw an ad for a new series on Discovery Health called: "I'm pregnant and I'm __________" and they filled in the blank with things like: bipolar, homeless, addicted to meth, etc. etc. etc.

Because that's what we need to see. Why don't they do a special on me and pay for me to do IVF time and time again until it works because I'm NOT homeless, addicted to meth, bipolar or anything other than READY to be a mother.


  1. I am so heart broken for you. I thought of you all Thanksgiving, to the point of feeling guilty and wishing I could somehow share with you. I wish I had an extra embryo to give to you, but I'm out.

    Our plan B was embryo adoption. I don't know if that is of any interest to you. It was appealing to me as I would still get to be pg and bond with the child from the beginning. To me, this was the step before regular adoption. There's egg donation too, but man is that expensive!

    I hope your heart finds healing soon! Big huge hug my friend!

  2. Just wanted to drop in and say that I am so, so sorry you're going through this. And that you're so strong! I can't even imagine what it must be like to have to cope with your loss in secret while trying to help your parents. I hope that you and Mr. LC are able to take some time for yourselves and do something that makes you happy before the run-up to Christmas. Is the trip to NYC still in the works? :)

  3. DAVs, I don't have words of wisdom or comfort, other than to say I get it. And I'm there for you. ((Hugs))

  4. I just don't have words to type. So sad and angry for you. And for your dad.

    I don't have suggestions or anything. I wish I knew what would work.


  5. Oh DAVs, this is just so so hard. I wish I had something better to offer than that, but I don't. Know that so many of us are thinking of you. Pulling for you.


  6. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry about your dad too. Vent away. Most of us "get it." Take care.

  7. I saw that same TV ad the other day and it made me sick. This whole situation makes me sick and just so heart broken for you. I wish I had the right words to make it a little better. Just know I'm thinking about and praying for you and Mr. LC!

  8. I don't have any answers or suggestions... just sucky support when you need something a bit more than that.
    I think you should pitch your idea to Discovery or TLC- How about instead of their series they work on yours. Seriously, I'd tune in every week to see that. I know I will NEVER watch that other show. Sick.
    I hate this- that it's the holidays, that you're family isn't able to give you support for many reasons... I just hate it all.

  9. Been thinking about you, Mr. LC, your dad & your family. There's nothing I can say to make any of it better. Funny how everyone sees us as the experts, but medicine and healthcare providers know so, so little and can't even help in times like these.

  10. Aww, my dear, this just sucks. You have been in my thoughts all week. Your family time sounds so difficult on top of an already beyond imaginable loss. If I had any great suggestions I'd likely already be pursuing them. I'm out.

    I have a whole post I would like to write about feeling "lost" but this is not the time or place. Just know that you are not alone.

    I saw the ad for that show too...ranks right up there with "I didn't know I was pregnant" or "Obese and Pregnant" or "Sixteen and Pregnant".... You get the idea. No wonder it feels like everyone else is pregnant.

  11. I'm here and reading and hoping things get better....maybe NYC can help you heal...

  12. I'm heart broken for you...

    Regarding the financial aspect, my suggestion is for you or your DH to look for a job with IVF coverage. I know it's not easy in this economy to find a job, and after you or your DH get a new job, it will be harder to take time off, etc.

    I was worried about the same thing. But I did it and my new job is very accomendating. This will allow you to try again. In general, MA has the best state mandate and it pays 6 cycles of IVF.

  13. First, I can't imagine how you can be strong for anyone else now - it is a testament to your inner reserves of love and compassion and your commitment to your family. There is no sense in the way things work out if you, my dear, are not meant to have a family.

    So much of me is hoping that you will find a way to give yourself another chance - but that is like hoping that a character in a book will find her way to the happy ending. I know life isn't as well-edited as publishable fiction, but I'm still rooting for you.


  14. Ashley- I have been thinking of you tons and have been sending wishes of strength and healing your way. I so wish that things had turned out differently. I can't imagine being strong for your family when you are hurting so much right now. You are am amazing woman whose strength shines through. I know your family is going through such a hard time right now, but they care about you and would probably feel glad if you were to lean on them too.

    I second what Jill said. Even though it is hard to make othher plans for creating your family, it is hard to plan when your heart feels so broken and raw. OUr next plan was donor egg or donor sperm and then possibly adoption. You have come this far, girl! You are determined and you DESERVE to be a mom (not like those meth heads!). Don't see this as an end, but rather a beginning to a new opportunity. Deciding what you next step will be is hard, but, in time, you and Mr LC will figure it out and move forward.

    And, regardless, I will be here cheering you on like you wouldn't believe:)

  15. Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and you have every right to not be okay with it. You are such a strong, strong person to be dealing with so much and to think about others and be the one holding others up. We are here holding YOU up as best we can so let it all out and vent all you want.

    That stupid TV show is just crossing the line and it's so unfair they're going to sensationalize someone who is completely not fit to be a mother yet there's you who is more than ready, more than qualified and more than deserving to be one. The way you're caring for your Dad and your family already shows the world that you have what it takes.

    Right now, although it's raw, you need to feel everything and anything you're feeling. I really hope that the way forward will come to you and also in a way that is okay with you and Mr. LC. I saw a quote on a card in my therapist's office and it said "If you're going through hell, keep going". So my friend, keep going and the path will somehow light itself for you.

  16. I went back and read my posts after our FET failed this spring. I felt the same way - lost, or more like something was missing. I don't know if this is comforting to know or not, but I understand how you are grieving. I grieved much more after or FET failed than I expected. For months. We want to understand the grief, make sense of it, but all you can do is go through it. It feel so disorienting. I'm so sorry. It's so hard.