Sunday, November 22, 2009

When a line isn't a line.

Short story: it's over.

Long story: yesterday was total bliss. I POAS and got two lines. A second line that was easy to see, even for Mr. LC. Even for the camera. We photographed it. I emailed it to my sister--Yes! Yes! She saw it too.

This morning I repeated. The same test showed a positive. Two other tests not so much. So we knew were headed towards a not good place.

I went to the lab, keeping myself together. I wasn't even crying. Relief as I saw no other infertiles with their Sunday stat lab orders to have to contend with...until. Until there was a woman in the actual lab draw chair asking how long stat orders took. I looked at Mr. LC and mouthed "Newbie." Then the lab tech asked her if her home test was positive and she exclaimed "Yes! So I can't wait to hear my number."

At which point I broke down.

Full on bawling.

My heart shattered into a million pieces right there on the lab floor.

That was supposed to be me, you see. Me. Not her. I don't care who she is--I doubt she has worked as hard as me. I don't care if that makes me a selfish bitch. I'm not. It's just rare you find someone else who has gone through five in vitro cycles.

I was shaking so hard I could hardly roll my sleeve up for the final insulting lab draw.

Fast forward to several hours later when we still haven't heard from C.C.RM. so I have to page them. And then my horrible, awful, unfeeling nurse from my last cycle picks up.

"Why yes, I do have your beta. It's really low. It's a 9."

As in, single digits NINE. How does a f'ing HPT even pick that up?

Then she has the gall to say to me "Well you've been down this road before."

Um, excuse me, no I have not. I've only ever had stark white negatives, beta=0. To which she actually replied "Oh well, this is a positive. You should retest on Tuesday but it is really low."

I think I hung up on her.

And to think: yesterday I had a heart full of happiness and hope and goodness. Today I feel like crawling into a cave and never coming out.

Your support has been wonderful. Amazing. Beyond what anyone could expect or hope for. I have felt you all through each step.

I don't know what to do now.

I'm out of energy for anything right now. I guess we'll always be in the 1.25%.

36 comments:

  1. I'm screaming at the universe. But it doesn't matter, does it?

    (((hugs))). Because I don't have anything left to say.

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  2. NO! =( I'm literally crying while I type this. My heart is breaking.

    I know it's not over 'til it's over, but I understand the crushing blow of a single digit Beta. I wish we could all be by your physical side right this very moment, holding you while you cry. I wish there were words to express how sorry I am.

    I know you probably don't have the energy to answer this question right now, but did any of your remaining blasts make it to the 5-day freeze? I apologize if my searching for solutions stings -- it's just that I don't want it to be "over" for you.

    Also, I hate that bitch of a nurse.

    Hold on to Mr. LC as tight as you can right now.

    *hugs and love and more hugs and more love*

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  3. I'm in tears. I just can't believe it. I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease your pain right now. You are not a selfish bitch....far from it. Hug Mr LC....take care of each other. Hugs & love, Melissa

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  4. Oh god...I'm so so sorry. So sorry.

    FUCK.

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  5. I'm so so sorry for your pain. All I can suggest is that you don't think to "do" anything for now. Just hold on to people you love and feel whatever grief and anger you need to feel. I've been there... there's no way out of that kind of pain but right through the middle of it, to get to the other side.

    Meanwhile, when it's so early for tests, maybe you can test again in a few days as that bitch-of-a-nurse suggested? I know it's hard to have hope, so do what you think is best. But if it helps, the Betabase is a good resource interpreting numbers. And low numbers are well-represented on there.

    I'll be thinking of you. I'm so sorry you're going through this...

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  6. I don't even know what to say. Not the result I wanted or thought you'd get. Shit. I am so hurt for your right now.

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  7. Oh man, I am sooooo heart broken for you! A +hpt and a 9, seriously??? What a cruel joke. I was on top of the world for you yesterday and now I've come crashing down with you. You do whatever it takes to get you through this and lean into Mr. LC. I completely understand not following my blog from here on out as I know it would just bring pain to you. Pain that I would never in a million years want to cause you. I am so so sorry, I so wanted this for you. Sending you lots of peace and hugs. Love Jill

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  8. As much as I don't want to be a polyanna, I'm hoping for a late implanter for you. Oh, and please send me that nurse's name for me. I will personally go and scratch her eyes out for you, or at least tell her what an insensitive bitch she is.

    I wish I could be there for you to give you a shoulder to cry on and a hug.

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  9. I want to SCREAM curse words...IT ISN'T FAIR AND STUPID FUCKING SUCK. UGH. I'm sorry.

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  10. FUCK FUCK FUCK! This so sucks. There are no words really. But I do know how alluring those two lines are. Last week was the first time we had ever seen them too. And last week we were also going through what you and your DH are going through. IVF is a mindfuck. And I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll hold you and your DH in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourselves.

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  11. I am speechless...this is mindboggling. Like everyone here, my heart is broken for you. Bill and I can't stop thinking about you all day today. I am angry at the world... and at that nurse. Oh my dear friend!

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  12. Oh no. I am so so so sorry. It sucks, its unfair, its awful. I am just devastated for you and DH, ugh. I wish so much to give you a tissue and a hug.

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  13. My heart is breaking for you. There are no words to explain the unfairness of it all. You and Mr. LC are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Laurie P.

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  14. I seriously want to throw up. I can't stand it!!!
    how is it possible to see 2 lines and then get a 9? really?! I'm not going down "that road" until after new b/w. I had an idiot at hospital neglect an entire digit with one of my betas. I'm staying positive. I can't give up yet... no no no NO!

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  15. F*ck.

    Seriously, those are the first words that come to mind...
    There is absolutely no words that can console you, make this seem better, make anything in this f-ing cruel world seem right again.

    I'm so pissed for you. At the nurse, at the clinic, at the world.

    I *also* feel like maybe there was an error, they forgot something, that F-ing HPT... seriously?! My hope is still holding on, somewhere deep inside for you, but I know that's not much of a consolation prize...

    Fuck. Seriously. FUCK.

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  16. I can't believe this! This is seriously fucked up! The HPT, the nurse, the whole damn universe!!

    I'm so sorry Ashley! Holding your hand and standing with you as you deal with whatever this is throwing your way.

    Sadly - I'm in that 1.25% too. 5 IVFs and nothing to show for it. If there is any miracle that can make your number double and make this alright for you, I'm praying for it.

    ((Hugs))

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  17. I've been following your blog -- all I can say is that I've been thinking about you and I know things will work out they are supposed to for you. Have faith in that. Everything is going to be okay. For real.

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  18. Just wanted to drop in and say I'm SO sorry you have to deal with this. I'm really hoping and praying that the beta was a lab mixup or something. I mean, c'mon- a +HPT and then a 9 beta? What kind of crap is that?!

    I seriously want to go over there and punch that stupid bitch of a nurse in the mouth. They just don't get it, do they?

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  19. Ugh, I'm so sorry. This is so hard.

    I had a beta of 25 with my first IVF, and the RE didn't really explain to me that it was a bad sign (and it was before I knew anything about betas). I called my whole family and everything... That was on a Saturday, and then on Monday the nurse waited until the end of the day to call me and let me know it had dropped. Horrible ups and downs.

    Sending you peaceful, healing thoughts.

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  20. I am crushed for you. Just fucking crushed. I am so sorry - it is heart-wrenching and awful and those are shitty, shitty words to describe - there are no words. Not sure if it helps or annoys you, but I have been there. You are not alone.

    Thinking of you.

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  21. I'm so sorry...this was not the outcome of what I was hoping so hard for you. Now, I'm going to say two things that you can smack me upside the head for or delete if you want and I don't want to give you false hope BUT, I have heard about people who have had low betas with FETs...sometimes the embies take a bit longer to implant and start snuggling in just like Phoebe said. I have also heard of people with really low, single digit beta numbers and as long as they double, all of a sudden they take off. And, may I remind you of Jill, who had spotting/bleeding before her beta and swore up and down that it was over...you know how that turned out. I haven't given up hope yet for you...I just can't. In any situation though, I wish I could give you the biggest hug because no matter what, this is not how things were supposed to be. I'm still with you and right now, I'm hugging you and wiping away your tears.

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  22. My heart is breaking for you. I don't even know what to say. I'm so very, very sorry.

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  23. oh what to say...words are inadequate, but i'm still here hoping for a little miracle to come about. it just isn't fair for you to see those 2 pink lines without the reailty that come with it. God in heaven please show us a miracle!

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  24. I am so, so sorry. We've been thinking about you both all day. Life is not fair - not in the slightest. What a bitch nurse! I can't believe she said that to you. I know 9 is low, but remember my story...a 25 that only went up to 38 two days later. We got the same "it's positive, but really low" the day of the beta...then the "you can stop the meds if you want" two days later. And now...well you know the rest of the story. It's rare, I know. But I pray there's a chance. Many, many hugs

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  25. So sorry to hear this sad news. There is nothing fair about it. HPTs can be evil, but chemicals are worse in my opinion (I've had 2). Praying for your peace and comfort. Take care of you and Mr. LC.

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  26. My heart is breaking for you right this moment. I would feel as you do, so I understand. But please continue your meds. Please. Lose every shred of hope for this cycle if it helps but just keep up the meds until beta #2. I have read the blogs of more than one person who've had the funkiest things happen - even low betas - turn around on them unexpectedly.

    I wish I could be there right now and give you the biggest hug.

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  27. I'm so sorry. I hope you and Mr. LC are doing okay tonight. I am just so so sorry. So.

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  28. Terrible. Shitty. Unfair. Seriously...I am hearbroken for the both of you...I've been following your blog for a bit and just can't believe what you two have been through. You're strong, and you have each other. May you cling to that and hold each other close during this difficult time. I'm praying for you and constantly thinking about you both.

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  29. I'm so, so sorry. I wish you had a much higher number, but I'm still holding out a tiny bit of hope for you. I know there are no words to make you feel better, but I hope that knowing there are so many people thinking of you will do what words can't...

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  30. I want to type every possible expletive but i know that won't really mean what I'm feeling right now. I am so terribly sorry that you had to let yourself hope and then have it crash down on you. I always thought that stark white was the worst, but fading pink is just cruel.

    I'm just so sorry, my dear.

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  31. Still sitting right beside you...

    "I'm sorry" doesn't even begin to cover it.

    Fuck.

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  32. I'm so sorry, Ashley. So very sorry.

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  33. Is this a cruel joke or something? Honestly! To see a + on HPT and then not the next day, huh?! After all you've been through. Nope, not fair, not funny, but cruel it is.

    I know that there is still hope of a BFP for you and I will continue to hold onto that hope for you, my friend. I have seen people with low betas have theirs swing upward. Han in there, Ashley! I hope that tomorrow brings you a day of joyous surprise:)

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  34. Ashley I'm so very sorry that you are going through this trauma. Please know that we are all hoping for you. Sending you light and hope elliej

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  35. My heart sank when I read this. I am so sorry!! I am not putting you in that 1.25%, though. I still have hope for you guys!! Who knows what tomorrow may bring...

    Hugs to you!

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  36. Oh God. I am just catching up with you after a weekend away at a conference. So so completely unfair. And you're right, most people have NOT gone through five IVF cycles. You DESERVED THIS ONE!!! I am so upset on your behalf, I am beside myself!

    mo

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