Short story: it's over.
Long story: yesterday was total bliss. I POAS and got two lines. A second line that was easy to see, even for Mr. LC. Even for the camera. We photographed it. I emailed it to my sister--Yes! Yes! She saw it too.
This morning I repeated. The same test showed a positive. Two other tests not so much. So we knew were headed towards a not good place.
I went to the lab, keeping myself together. I wasn't even crying. Relief as I saw no other infertiles with their Sunday stat lab orders to have to contend with...until. Until there was a woman in the actual lab draw chair asking how long stat orders took. I looked at Mr. LC and mouthed "Newbie." Then the lab tech asked her if her home test was positive and she exclaimed "Yes! So I can't wait to hear my number."
At which point I broke down.
Full on bawling.
My heart shattered into a million pieces right there on the lab floor.
That was supposed to be me, you see. Me. Not her. I don't care who she is--I doubt she has worked as hard as me. I don't care if that makes me a selfish bitch. I'm not. It's just rare you find someone else who has gone through five in vitro cycles.
I was shaking so hard I could hardly roll my sleeve up for the final insulting lab draw.
Fast forward to several hours later when we still haven't heard from C.C.RM. so I have to page them. And then my horrible, awful, unfeeling nurse from my last cycle picks up.
"Why yes, I do have your beta. It's really low. It's a 9."
As in, single digits NINE. How does a f'ing HPT even pick that up?
Then she has the gall to say to me "Well you've been down this road before."
Um, excuse me, no I have not. I've only ever had stark white negatives, beta=0. To which she actually replied "Oh well, this is a positive. You should retest on Tuesday but it is really low."
I think I hung up on her.
And to think: yesterday I had a heart full of happiness and hope and goodness. Today I feel like crawling into a cave and never coming out.
Your support has been wonderful. Amazing. Beyond what anyone could expect or hope for. I have felt you all through each step.
I don't know what to do now.
I'm out of energy for anything right now. I guess we'll always be in the 1.25%.
3 years ago