Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ramping up

I guess it's common, but I definitely start to feel this 'writy writy' thing start to happen when a cycle is gearing up/picking up steam. Posts swirl around and around in my brain all the time.

So here I am.

Last night I dreamed that I showed up at CC.R.M. and everyone was glum, because they knew my estrogen wasn't high enough. Dr. M showed up and said she needed to do a little uterine fluffing and pulled out this big ol catheter (like the one from the biopsy!) and I started telling her how painful the biopsies were and she was super sympathetic..then rooted around in my uterus and told me everything looked beautiful! There were nurses suddenly everywhere and they all cheered.


The dreams have commenced!

On another note, I read a lot of blogs. On my old place I recently linked to a bunch of new ones. What frequently happens is I start following new ones and then they have success and then I feel sad and then I find new ones to follow that are still struggling. It's a neverending cycle, kind of like IF. It's not that I don't want anyone else to have success--duh!--but I also need to know I'm not alone.

But here's the thing: if I click on a new blog and see that someone is still in the throes of Clomid cycles, or just starting an injectible IUI...well, I'm less likely to want to follow. Does that make me a bad person? I know, I know, I know this is not a pain olympics. I know that when I was facing my first BFN from our first Clomid IUI I thought the world was coming to an end. Hell, when I first started taking Clomid period I thought the world was coming to an end.

The point is: where you are in your infertility struggle right that very moment is the worst it's been. I have to constantly remind myself of that.

On another note, I have always felt very alone in my 'real life' regarding infertility. That dreadful '1 in 6' statistic just has not applied in my real world existence to my friends and family.

But I think I may have infected my workplace.

I have recently learned of three others struggling. Out of 60+ employees we still don't quite make the stats, but it was like "Eureka! I'm not a freaka." And I've sorta become the resident IF expert.

But man, men are different. One of my coworkers is male and he and his wife are dealing with IF. So one day he just plops down in my office and says "So you did all the infertility stuff, right?" Just like that. No sensitivity at all. Typical male--he was gathering information. It was ok. He's a doctor. He wants the facts. He wasn't even daunted by our failures. He'd read the same New England Journal of Medicine article that I had that said it is reasonable to do six IVFs to have success.

So success or no, at least I can be a resource.

It's something, right?


  1. Yeah, I understand wanting to follow blogs that are living your experience too. I do follow a few "in the beginning" blogs, but I often feel I have less to comment on. They often just don't resonate with me as much, not as much as someone who is living my own angst too. And I think it is good be a resource for others with IF. I had a few friends that were big helps when I first began all of this craziness. So you are that person for others. Good stuff.

  2. Men are so different and I know that you don't want to be just a resource to others but you really do write about this stuff (and other stuff) so well. When I read the line about the moment where you are in your IF journey is the worst it has been I got goosebumps - that is SO true. I am glad that things are still on track. BTW - I love that you ordered your own bloodwork...we are crazy in similar ways ;)
    I hope this trend continues!!!!!! Lara

  3. I LOOOOVE that guys are like that. Just say what they mean and what they want and there it is! But, I do get you on the pain olympics. I try not to do that but in my due date group MANY of them got pregnant on their first chlomid cycle, or first iui or even first IVF and I hear a lot of comments like, "I never would have done this more than once"...or, "it was so hard, after all we've been through"...or "I can't believe people do this over and over again...I mean, get a hint, it didn't work"...I'm constantly telling them to check out my signature and grown some empathy. Ugh. Even more fun was the discussion regarding what to do with frozen embies (those that did IVF)...and how most will just toss them and not donate or don't want siblings "because this was just too much to do even once". So, I am constantly reminded that there is a reason we are a little jaded about those in the early stages...but I do recall feeling like it was the worst thing in the world...oh, say, 3 years ago...7 IVF's ago...a few chlomid cycles in. I have to laugh at msyelf over the crushing disappointment I felt at that first chlomid cycle failure...I was so naive. But, I will say that part of me stays away from those in the early stages b/c I don't want to scare the living poop out of them either.

    Seriously, though, I am really excited for your cycle. I think things are going well....and I'm looking forward to your update tomorrw.

  4. I wanted you to know I am out here, and with every post I read yours first because I am just so so HOPEFUL for you and Mr. LC.

  5. OMGosh, I remember being so distraught that we didn't get our BFP within 3 months of trying naturally after the VR, ha!

    No matter the subject, it's completely normal to want to follow others that are in your same shoes. It's also completely normal that everyone changes shoes at different times which results in a shuffling of friendships.

    I hope more than anything that very soon, you'll find yourself in a situation where certain people no longer want to follow your blog, if you know what I mean. =))))

  6. Did you just crawl inside my head to write this post?

  7. I think its like that with anything. You're not reading any blogs about 20 year olds doing the college party scene or 80 year olds complaining about their bad knees are you? Fess up. And put them on your bloglist! HA!

  8. I had to laugh about the writey writey thang! I get more writey writey the closer I get to a cycle. I also don't relate to blogs that are about a first IVF and the "I'll just do what the doctor tells me to do" cuz IVF has to work, right? And god-forbid I take any responsibility for my own health. I'm sorry, I can't deal with the whining about caffeine withdrawal. I had a nurse in my support group today saying she didn't want to do acupuncture during her IVF because she thought she couldn't deal with the needles - huh?

    I've thought about the whole, "well if I don't get pregnant, at least I helped support others to get pregnant". While it's true, it doesn't feel quite satisfying to me.

  9. I am so with you about not reading blogs about people in the early stages of treatment. You're right (and put it so eloquently) that this is not a pain Olympics, but it is only a certain kind of woman, a strong woman, who would continue on this quest the way that you have. It's not for the faint of heart and if anything, this has made me a lot less judgemental. You don't know what you would do unless you are faced with the exact same circumstances that someone else is faced with. So, on the flip side, don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or 6 years) in my shoes. You are totally a resource and when people are ready to tap into you, you're there. Finding a group of women exactly where you are who have done multiple treatments is like a goldmine - you've found your sisterhood, the one that will walk beside you and hold you up when the going gets tough. It's no small thing and I totally get it. Today is Friday - let's hear about that u/s Mrs. Writy Writy!

  10. I think the blog thing totally makes sense...You want to read about people in the same boat as you...I typically don't read single girl's blogs...not that there is anything wrong with just isn't my bag.

    Ha! I love that dude at your office...I tend to be that way about things too. I want to talk to everyone and I want to know everything they know and I tend to just come right out with things.

    I just come back everyday hoping for good news, and I'll keep doing that.

  11. I'd like to request permission to use: "Eureka! I'm not a freaka" in my regular lexicon. =)

    I feel this post, so much. Even though I'm one of those dreaded newbies who hasn't even embarked on her first IVF, I find myself initially feeling very glum and frustrated when I read about other newbies' struggles. My mind has the knee-jerk reaction of screaming, "But at least you have the OPTION of trying to GET PREGNANT through ART." (just so you know, this hostility usually melts away fairly quickly)

    But yeah. =)

    You KNOW I'm rooting for you like a madwoman! I really hope that today's U/S brings good news!