Monday, December 28, 2009

This is my therapy

First up: a comment I received from anonymous 1. I know I am not alone, never said in the post that I was the only one feeling pain from infertility. But thanks, from a fellow IFer, for telling me not to feel so sorry for myself. I'm cured! I know that a lot of people have gone through what I have, and worse. And although you couched your comment with "I am not trying to be harsh" it felt a little harsh. We've been through a lot. Five failed cycles, 80K in medical expenses, and I've dealt with a lot of other issues lately that made this holiday particularly difficult. So yeah, I'm going to write about what hurts.

As for anonymous 2: Undue hostilityand hatred towards our little brother? You're misreading that. Seven years of love love love is what we gave through some pretty crappy stuff, and we still care about him. I don't know many others who have mentored a kid/stayed that committed that long. We poured our hearts and souls into him and unfortunately it wasn't enough to keep him from making some very poor life choices. When we ended the relationship it was for many reasons, but mostly because he had kind of outgrown the relationship and we couldn't support the choices he was making. And yes, he knows about our situation (not specifics of IVF because that wouldn't have been appropriate and obviously not the last two because of the timing, but he knows that we've tried very hard and long to have children) because we've always been open and honest with him. Does he have the capacity to know that his text would be hurtful? Probably not, as he's just a teenager. But guess what? It still hurt and I'm going to write that it did. But please, do not criticize my seven years of volunteering to help this kid. It's a personal failure that really hurts--the fact that everything we did (the very aim of the program) couldn't help him avoid teenage parenthood twice. The criticism-- that really stings.
EDITED TO ADD: Teenage parenthood isn't the worst thing--but right now it's the thing that hurts the most. R went on to be involved in drugs, crime, etc. etc. Things are better now, but you can bet that hurt us a lot too. And we're not even his parents!

And now on to what I originally wanted to post about (which will probably draw some criticism in some way from someone as well...sigh).

I post a lot when I am in emotional pain.

My blog is dark right now and I would do anything in my power to make it light again.

This post is dedicated to my father.

While we were home this weekend, we brought my Dad home to the house for the day. It was nice, but there's no getting around the profound changes that have occurred. My mother is mourning the loss of her spouse, I am mourning the loss of my father. He is alive, yes. He is alive. I am grateful. But it is horrific to see him the way he is. He is slipping cognitively. His response time is so long we wonder if he hears us at all. I cannot even believe that it was just a couple of months ago that he sang gospel songs while Mr. LC played on the guitar. I read the words he had my mom transcribe into my birthday card in August and cannot fathom him coming up with those words today. I do not know what lies ahead.

While at the nursing home, carolers came by. My Dad looked so small and helpless in his bed. He is down to 140 pounds or so. As the carolers came in and sang "Silent Night" in harmony, I started to cry. It was just a few years ago that my Dad sang in those groups, singing in that very nursing home. He had probably sung in that very room before.

We stayed in my parents' bedroom at my mother's insistence. I don't think she really likes to sleep in there alone.

It was dark outside and our last night at home. Mr. LC was outside packing the car. My mom was up at the nursing home with my Dad. My job was to check and make sure we hadn't left anything behind.

I walked up to the doorway of their bedroom, which was dark. Light from the living room cast light on the carpet.

Exactly the way it would have looked just over six months ago when my Mom found him there in the early morning darkness.

I immediately had the urge to lay on the carpet, and I did.

I positioned myself as my mom described finding my dad, crumpled on the floor.

I sobbed into the carpet. I wondered how long he had laid there, if he had been frightened, if he tried to call out and could not find his voice, if he had tried to move, if he knew what was happening to him.

I felt connected to him in some strange way in that moment.

I sobbed into that carpet for all that he has lost, for the unfairness of it all.



  1. Mrs. LC, I am so sorry for all that you are going through, and wish that if people felt that strongly to comment, they could at least tell you who they are.

    I think you are too hard on yourself regarding your little brother...while teenage pregnancy does not scream responsibility, no telling what might have come if you and Mr. LC hadn't been there for him.

  2. I agree with HP, I think that you and Mr. LC probably had a very positive impact on R's life and maybe it isn't as apparent as it should be but I bet you guys made a difference. If nothing else maybe know he knows how to show someone else love, and that is HUGE.

    I think one of the very frustrating things about blogging is when people feel the need to one up you in the whose life sucks more contest. I think we all use our blogs as a way to vent about our personal circumstances and that is it. It isn't meant to say that our lives are WORSE than anyone elses, it just is what it is. You know?

  3. I am sorry that you have to deal with people that do not understand what this blog, what most of our blogs, are for, what they mean to us. I am really sorry about your dad, that has to be really hard. ((HUGS))

  4. I'm so sorry you are going through that. I can't imagine.

  5. I am so sorry for all you are going thru with your dad, my heart aches for you.

    Please take care of yourself.

  6. Agreed that you and Mr. LC did a great thing for R., and that his life would have been a lot worse without your love and care. Seven years is an INCREDIBLY long time in volunteering years. You're superheroes!

    It would have been great if he'd spared you the photo and text.

    And those anonymous comments are so bogus! Sheesh.

  7. Melissa G beat me too it, but you can never have enough. HUGS, and then s'more HUGS for you.

  8. I'm so sorry this is such a rough time. My heart aches for all that you have lost and what you are grieving. You rock for helping him out for seven years. One of my brothers has problems like R and I KNOW how hard it is to deal with that. It isn't easy and for someone to stick with it for 7 years is incredible.

    Your blog, your feelings, your rules. Sometimes I hate the anonymity of the internet. Take care.

  9. So sorry you've had to deal with another IVF failure, plus difficult holidays with your Dad, and then R's message on top of it. Life's not fair, and I'd have reacted exactly as you did.
    And it's your blog - you _should_ be allowed to be dark and in pain and let it all out here. People should either say something positive and caring in their comments or nothing at all. Unless of course you were to ask for someone to help you see the positive... as if many of us would ever do that! Just don't take those anonymous comments too personally. Cause I think you're doing pretty well at getting through the crap you've been handed lately.

  10. There is simply nothing worse than pouring your heart out into a post and then having anonymous people trample all over it. I almost stopped blogging because of it a few months back. It's like some random hate attack...even if it's not 'hate', but just a lack of support. Just remember those people are in the minority. I understand your frustration with your little brother--and have had a similar situation. You are entitled to your frustration, your pain, your anger, and your disappointment...don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Thinking of you....

  11. Your post brought me to tears over your dad. I am so sorry for him, for you, for your mom. I'm just so sorry for everything you're going through. Wishing you some peace in the New Year. xxoo

  12. I'm so sorry about your dad. Magic went through this with his dad some years ago, a very similar story to yours. We were talking about it recently because our friends recently had their dad move in with them, and he has dementia, along with not being very mobile. It was so sad to spend xmas eve with them, and see their dad. It's not fair to have all these losses at once.

    I didn't say before, but I think you probably were a great positive influence in the life of R. Teens think life revolves around them, so it doesn't surprise me that he's not sensitive to your situation. The timing is unbelievably lousy though.

    Can we get a break in 2010?

  13. I'm so sorry that you have been receiving insensitive comments. You have every right to be in a dark place now, and it makes me angry that others can't be more supportive, especially fellow infertiles. I followed your original blog and just recently put it together that you are the author of this one. I am truly heartbroken by your recent loss, and I think of you and Mr. LC daily. Infertility is like a wound that can't heal because every BFN just cuts you wide open again and erases any progress you made toward recovery. This Fall, I was thinking that it had been a year since your last attempt, and I wondered if time was bringing you some peace. So I was especially sad to learn that you were right back in this pit of hell again. It's so unbelievably unfair.

    I also wanted to let you know that I relate to the feelings of helpless you describe in watching your father's health decline. I was in a similar situation, and I still can't get the images of my father so weak and frail out of my mind eventhough he died 5 years ago now. It was gutwrenching.

    I say all of this to convey simply that I "get it", and I think many others here do too. Try to ignore the hurtful comments and find comfort in those of us who are hurting for you.

  14. winning lotto numbers? Anybody have some for Mr & Mrs. LC? It feels so rotten, all you would need is a few grand. I'm praying, it's all I can do.
    17? 22? 8? 43? 9? megaball 50?

  15. Gah, I hate the "pain olympics" type comments on the previous post. What's the point? You've been through *a lot*, even if someone else (who of course doesn't say *what*) says they've been through more. The stuff you type about your father chills me to the bone - scares me for my own parents in the future.

    Write what you feel. Most of us get it.

  16. Some assholes out there always have to "have it worse" don't they?
    Please, keep blogging about your real feelings, because we want to know how you're doing. (We: the hardcore "LC-er's ;)

    Might I add...
    I totally know the feelings about your dad. My mom's stroke was just over 5 years ago and although circumstances are different (I actually watched my mom stroke out) I can very vividly recall things like the first Christmas- she was barely cognitive, unable to form more than one or two words. I had such feelings of helplessness and depression, and- yes- felt sorry for myself even for the loss that I had endured.
    I think one of the hardest things is to "let go" of the expectation for them to be how they were, and begin to love them every day for who they have become. I know it sounds almost "wrong", but I often say that I lost my mother that day of her stroke; I was lucky enough to get a replacement mom that looked like the old one and sometimes had a "glimmer" of the woman she used to be.
    It's tough. So sorry you're dealing with all that and more... so much more.

  17. From anonymous number 2,
    I apologize sincerely if I offended you. I admire you greatly, which is why I follow your blog. I have worked with the kids you've mentored, so I have a softspot for them. I know they make terrible choices but they've had some tough lives and haven't been given or taught the same tools healthier kids have. And I know, you know that. But when you said "thanks R, for f****** up my Christmas" it just wasn't right to me. I know, it's not fair. It's completely not fair. You and Mr. LC deserve children. What you've been through is not fair at all. I was just saying it's not right to blame him for anything. That's all. Too many adults don't understand the agony of IF, I know he didn't and didn't mean to hurt you further. If anything, it seemed as though he wanted to share the news with someone he cared about. Which to me, shows you did have an impact on his life. He, at least, for a good period of his life, had some healthy role models and he remembers that. I guess, that's how I looked at it.

    I try to be honest in my comments but also with care and caution. My words were maybe too harsh and for that I apologize. I disagree with one of the posters to suggest we only say "nice" things. I think part of posting a blog is wanting to hear others' perspectives, whether you agree or not (not including those people who just post rude or mean remarks for the sake of being a jerk).

    I know you are hurting. You are going through so much with IF and your dad. Your father's just heartbreaking, to put it simply. I wish you and your husband all the strength in the world.

    And I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.

  18. Hi LC,

    Hugs to you for everything you have and continue to endure. I sympathize with everything you are going through with IF and R.

    Years ago, in my prior marriage (to J)we had custody of his 1/2 brother I will refer to as 'T'. After their mother died we took T and his sister home to live with us. We were very young at the time, but we were in the best situation to take care of them. They stayed with us for about a year before moving on to live with and aunt and uncle. A few years past and T came back to live with us. He was emotionally imbalanced and threatened to hurt himself and others in retaliation. We did all we could for him. J and I got a divorce and he did not have the strength to continue raising T, and has since broken all ties with him due to his choices.

    I know that even with the best intentions some times you must break off relationships for thier and your own good. Im sorry that you have undergone everything.. R, your Dad, your stepfather, and especially.. IF. Many times life just sucks!

  19. Dear gawd, Mrs. LC. WTF?! Say what you need to say and get it all out. The pain Olympics is pointless and always pisses me off when other IFers try to pull out this card. You have been through a boatload of shit luck and it has been stacking up pretty deep lately. You need this place to get it out and say whatever it is you need to process it and work through it. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to put it all out there.

    I'm so sorry about the text you received on X-mas. I'm so sorry for all that happened with R. It sounds like he doesn't realize how difficult he is setting up the next years of his (and his daughters) lives to be. I suspect this is actually one of his happier accomplishments and he wanted to share it with you because he is proud and wants you to be proud too. I'm just sorry he doesn't have the capacity to understand or know how much this hurt you.

    Your description of you on the floor where your dad laid brings me to tears. I so wish I could have been there with you to hold on tight and just sob with you. I'm so sorry. I have a similar memory from my wedding day - leaving flowers on his grave and a soon-to-be bride complete with done-up wedding hair lying on his grave on one of the windiest days of the year...something I've never shared, but wanted to let you know that I "feel" you.

  20. I've been out of (virtual) touch due to hosting Xmas and then my brother's wedding so I'm just now seeing this. But I want to say that I'm absolutely horrified at the Anon comments. For whatever it's worth, I've had some truly awful/hurtful Anon comments myself. I just try to take away anything of value and leave the rest.

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your dad. I know it's NOT the same AT ALL but I had such a hard time dealing with our IF while my husband was chronically ill. During those times, YES, I felt like I was going to break into a thousand pieces. Like maybe I couldn't hold it together one more day. Like I could not go on. I'm so sorry you're going through SO MUCH all at once. I do not blame you at all for your "dark" blog posts. In fact, I applaud you for having the courage to try to work through your feelings in writing.

    Very sincere ((HUGS)) from Ohio.