Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Reindeer dust and Christmas miracles!

Reindeer dust! Cookies for Santa! Christmas miracles!
If you came to my blog looking for that, well, sorry to disappoint.

Remember my doc friend who ended up being my cycle buddy? And remember their beautiful HCG numbers?

Well, Monday he announced it's twins.

Yeah. I knew it all along. Somehow, they get twice what we'll ever get on their first try. And yes, I understand they still have miles to go--I have witnessed too much heartbreak and tragedy firsthand to know they're 'safe'--but at this point, they are miles and miles ahead of us.

When I went home and told Mr. LC that they saw heartbeats--that if ours had been successful we'd be seeing a heartbeat by now and he got the most heartbroken look on his face and said "We'd be seeing heartbeats now?" He then just shook his head.

He doesn't really read this blog unless I ask him to check out a post, and I'm not sure he minds when I mention him (he's never said) so I'm going to go ahead and talk about him. This loss/failure has hit him in a different way. On the one hand, he's always maintained that as much as he'd love a child, the loss of pregnancy is something he cannot understand because of that Y chromosome. So he feels like this whole process hurts me more. He has also developed some wicked coping skills after our first failure--meditation, keeping a loose idea of unattachment, etc. Plus he has always tried to be strong for me, knowing full well (and being spot on correct) that I pretty much fall to pieces when we fail.

So following our latest epic fail, he was sad. But not blown apart. More "well, what else can we expect" kind of sad.

But more recently, it's hitting him--and hitting him hard. Last night he said "But we've never been in this position--with no treatment or prospects ahead." Yesterday he sent me an email with the following:

"Y'know what strikes me? Especially on FB, many people with kids that post family snapshots want to show everyone Just How Happy They Can Be(!). Look at our joy!! My, how happy are we!
I'm sure kids are the light of their lives, but the s**t eating grins are truly shmackable. I know that even if we had one, it'd still seem like people are trying to out-happy each other, because folks are dying to win. Best of all, we get to watch from the sidelines.

go team."

I HATE TO SEE HIM HURTING. I feel so responsible for all of this. For all of this pain. For his pain. It's a burden that I have to bear, no one can bear it for me. Yes we have male factor, but it's not severe. I have often wondered how many beautiful little Mr. LC's would be running around right now if he had just picked someone else. Someone with healthier eggs, without endometriosis ravaging their ovaries, without a fluffy/hyperplasic lining. Someone else, someone not me.

We are going to be alone for the holidays this year (not because of IF, but more because of my Dad not being able to travel). So for the first time in forever, on Christmas Eve it will just the two of us, a tofurkey, and our pets. We won't be cooing over our first ultrasound photos like we were supposed to. We won't be sitting out cookies for Santa. I guess we won't be completely alone, as we'll be at the ARCH serving homeless men on Christmas Day. That's a good thing--I will need that perspective.

But we'll miss out on the magic of Christmas that is reserved specifically for children. Instead, it's just the two of us. Like it is starting to feel like it will always be.


  1. That post made me cry. A lot of your posts do, but I do feel a special heartbreak for Mr. LC. He is such a wonderful person and then add on top of that a fantastic children's musician and one of the best husbands I have ever heard of. It just makes my heart break all over to read his comment. It can't be easy as I am sure almost everyone expects him to handle IF so much better just because he's the guy and there's really not that many men out there talking about IF to each other.

    I do know that he adores you. I don't think he ever thinks for a split second about the what ifs. It is truly wonderful to see how in love he is with you and though the road has been cruel, I don't think he would have chosen to travel it with anyone else.

    And you would see a heartbeat by now? sigh. The heartache doesn't end, does it?

  2. I could have written this post. I've had the same thoughts and blames. My husband isn't infertile--I am. If he would have picked someone else he'd have a family. If I had picked someone else, well, I'd still be infertile. And that reality is kind of hard to face sometimes.

    I can't imagine having to see a successful cycle buddy--they are much easier to ignore on the internet. As hard as it has been for me to live next door to a woman with ovaries rivaling Michelle Dugger, at least she's already had her kid. It would be unbelievably difficult to watch someone have what should have been yours. I didn't even calculate the due date I would have had, but saw an update from someone who did a transfer a day before me and well, now I know when I should have been having a baby. Sucks.

    I flipped past MTV last night and was slapped in the face with Teen Mom (yeah, we so need an 'I'm infertile and don't want to "just" adopt" show). The unfairness of this hit me hard, even after the positive post I just wrote. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. And don't even get me started on FB. As I said last week it's sugar coated shit--just like the unopened pile of Christmas cards/letters/pictures sitting on my dining room table.

    I hope you have a decent Christmas with your DH. I decided not to go home to visit family this year. DH will probably be working, but I'm so glad I'll be home. Take care.

  3. Oh my word, I could have written this post myself. It makes me want to cry because my dh is the same, exactly the same. The loneliness is what gets to me and the fact that its always just "us 2". Gosh, you hit the nail on the head with this post, made my tears well up.

  4. Your post made me cry - because of your suffering, your husband's suffering, and the added pain you are carrying because you feel like you are making him miss out on something. I know that is how my DH felt since (I don't talk about it much) our IF struggles were mainly MF...we had to switch to DS and, when we did and still failed, I could at least make him feel better that we both had some kind of problem! I used to try to convince him over and over that a life with him was more important to me than anything else (and it is). I am so lucky to have found him and be allowed to keep him! I still had the hope that we would have a child somehow. To be honest, adoption scares me more than a lot of other is so shaky and there is so much paperwork and legal issues (and I'm a lawyer!), but it was next on our list, if we could ever have come up with the money again. I hate this! I so envisioned a different holiday season for you guys this year. I'm sorry.

  5. Hugs and hugs and more hugs to you, my friend.

    It's so upsetting that you have see your successful cycle buddy on a day-to-day basis (at least it's the male half though! his belly will be staying the same size). And twins? What, are they going to be boy-girl twins as well. Gah.

    I SO feel you on the guilt thing. Granted, we haven't tested T's sperm yet, but nothing saying reproduction FAIL like a missing uterus. I keep reminding myself that T entered into this union with eyes wide open....but it's still hard (we got 3 more Look-At-My-BehBeh! Christmas cards in the mail yesterday).

    I so wish that I could order up a Christmas miracle for you and Mr. LC. I know the holiday season this year is especially difficult (failed IVF and sweet Dad still recovering). If you find yourself feeling isolated next week, just remember that there are still a crap-ton of us infertiles out there sending all our love and nodding our heads with understanding.

  6. I loved the comment you left about WT becuase I really believe he is special, but I think he and Mr. LC have a lot in common. I think they aren't your typical GUYS. I think they try harder and are more willing to hold up the person who isn't as strong (DEFINITELY ME).

    I loved his comments about FB because they are spot on! I think what you guys are going through is terribly unfair, and I just wish there was some way to make it easier.

  7. Ugh, I'm so sorry things are rough for you both right now.

    Its easy for me to be dragged down by IF crap, but my husband has always been very resiliant and upbeat. So when I see him down - it destroys me. He's been having a really hard time lately, and it's just breaking my heart.

    So needless to say there's no reindeer dust or cookies for Santa here either. Hell we haven't even gotten a tree. So while I don't have any answers, and I know I can't fix it for you - please take a little comfort in knowing you're not alone.


  8. Please don't put the blame on you and don't allow yourself to go down that trail that he would have been better off with someone else. It's obvious how much he loves you and I know he would have still picked you even if he knew the future. I am soooo soooo sorry that the 2 of you are still stuck in this never ending battle. I feel so helpless, I wish I could change things for you. I'm sad for you, for you both. Hugs

  9. I walked into work this morning and the first thing that I saw was the girl who is just now back from maternity leave after delivering twin boys (she made several comments about how she was so glad because she did NOT want girls) from her first IVF. Joy! She stopped me to say that she had tons of pictures to show me and to please stop by later on to see them. Yeah, no thanks. I had to hear about how hard and how expensive her ONE IVF cycle was during her whole pregnancy. So much fun!

    I'm sorry that Mr. LC is having such a hard time. My husband is as well. He sees all of his friends with one or two or even three children moving on and living life while we've just been stuck for four years. I hate to see what it is doing to him. As you know the woman is the one who has to bear all of the physical burden during all this, but I'd bear twice as much if I could just take his emotional pain away.


  10. I think it's just starting to hit me too. It's still early, for the both of us, to really look at other options, though they are there. As much as I'd like to side-step the grieving process, there is no avoiding it. Eventually, it will catch up with you.

    I don't know why we do it, but it's so easy to blame ourselves and feel shame for the failure, when in reality, it's out of our control.

  11. I f'ing hate IF and I am so sorry and I wish it were different.


  12. I read this post earlier this week... thought I had already commented but obviously not. If you read my recent post about disabling my FB account though, you know that I agree with Mr. LC 100%. It's all complete and total BS. It's only the good. And then polished to a sheen. As awful as it is to say, at least half of those people had kids on ACCIDENT and weren't excited AT ALL to find out that they were expecting. But now they have kids so they're making the best of it and smiling whenever they're in front of a camera. I'm sorry if I sound jaded but my sis is one of those people. She loves her kids but... yes. But. Always a "but". So sad. But so so true.

  13. Oh, Ashley, I am just so, so sorry. I am sending big ((HUGS))) to you and Mr LC. It is so hard not to feel the way you do, but I can tell from your posts that he loves you and you are a great team. IF sucks and especially at the holidays and various other times throughout the year, but you and Mr LC ARE ON THE SAME TEAM. It is easy to take the blame or "take one for the team", but in reality you don't need to. You both are hitting on the same side of the bat, a team and a bond that is irreversible. Lean on each other for support because no matter how bad it gets, you are on the same team and each others biggest comfort.

  14. UGH! I am so angry at the world for you right now. I wish I could understand why. Why do you have to sit through the insult to injury moments? Why can't you catch a break after all the time, money, and heartache you have invested? I can't fathom how you feel if I am this frustrated for you! Sorry- I just had to get that out.

    Do not ever for a second think that Mr. LC would change anything if he could. From what I can tell you guys have an amazing relationship and at the end of the day he wouldn't give you up for the world and you know that! The best thing you can do is what you're already doing- stick together no matter what the circumstance. You guys are an awesome team- don't ever forget it!!

  15. It is so hard to see our husbands suffer or feel the pain of IF. Especially when they stay strong for so long but when it hits you realize how emotionally invested he's been all along. He's just staying strong for you b/c they feel like we have to go through the worst parts of it all.

    As someone who tried to 'just adopt' & move on to happy a life, it's not as easy as one would think. Had our adoption gone through our baby boy would be 3 months old. He would know us and be starting to smile. We would have dressed him in a cute little Christmas outfit...posed him in a few pictures with his cousins under the tree...It's so hard to not go there in my head. I try to not think about it b/c it hurts so much but like someone said you need to grieve. You can push it to the back of your mind for only so long.

    In our mission to build a family I don't think we've felt as isolated as we do now. As I try to remind myself, I am not alone....I have my friends online who are struggling through this holiday season just as much as we are.

    I know Mr. LC wouldn't change any part of his life with you. It's plain to see what an honest and true love you have together. I continue to pray for you guys. You're strong & just stick together & you'll be okay. Many hugs!

  16. Oh & ps...I've thought of deleting my FB account on several occasions for the obvious reasons.

  17. Your post hit home with me, too. {tears} Just knowing that it is the 2 of us AGAIN this year....I feel your pain. I have no words of wisdom, just know that you are not alone.

  18. I know Mr. LC would pick you 100 times over IF and all. I know my hubby would too.

    I also know that I have these same thoughts right down to the mild male factor, endo ovaries, crap eggs, and weird "fluffy" lining... My twin. (-;

    I'm sorry you are both hurting so much. It really just sucks.