Monday, December 7, 2009

The follow up.

I did, in fact, have a good weekend. Shopping was frenzied but managed to remain fairly fun. We literally shopped until we dropped and managed to accomplish a lot. I despise shopping just to 'get it done' or picking a gift just to cross them off your list--I like looking for the right gift. We then went home and wrapped up everything in a flurry of tissue paper and tape and ribbon. I love making packages look special. Yesterday we finally finished Madmen. It rocks. The only thing I didn't do: bake. Boo.

It turns out my Dad was actually septic. I know. The poor man. It seems that neither of us can catch a break. I tell you, if I follow in his footsteps genetically well, oh boy. Marathon runner, non-smoker, never overweight, etc.--wound up with quadruple bypass and a stroke. So um, why am I fighting to pass these genetics on? At any rate, his current infection is steadily improving.

So...Thursday night I had a little diddy known as the WTF call. Well, I wouldn't really call ours that anymore. I've been through too many of these 'after the IVF BFN' calls to feel like they're truly WTF? I did want to speak with my doctor and get her medical opinion on things. Of course she knew it was our last try and kept saying over and over how sad it was to get a chemical pregnancy. Tell me something I don't know! She said at least we knew at least one embryo made it to blast, differentiated, hatched, and implanted. My uterine lining was receptive to implantation. All good things, but all not enough, obviously. She was neutral on any future recommendations other than to definitely NOT go out and get a uterine ablation...just in case. I cried on the phone, which I didn't want to do. But when your doctor says things like "It's just not fair and I just don't understand why this is happening to you and Mr. LC" and shows some real human compassion well, it's hard not to just start blubbering. And then in the freakiest moment, she asked if I'd ever considered writing my story because she thinks it could serve as something meaningful to a lot of people. Maybe they found me?

I also used that time to heartily complain about some of the nursing issues they have.

Here's a confession: I always thought that if I was successful with ART I'd think about a field change into reproductive endocrinology. I've been through it, and I just feel like I could connect with patients in a way that would be meaningful. But not anymore. While I could be empathetic, who would want a provider who'd had five failed IVFs? That would freak most anyone out.

Not to mention I'd probably be envious of someone just starting out their journey. For example, one of my coworkers is 38, just starting TTC, and is only on the clomid phase. While I'm not envious of her age (and I am NOT saying 38 is old--in many many ways age is not the biggest factor regarding success or not) or the fact that she's possibly introducing IF into a very young marriage, I'm strangely jealous of the fact that she has the whole world of ART stretched out before her, just waiting to swoop in and fix her.

So here I am. Still hurting. Not going to change careers. At the end of the road of ART.

Right now, it's just enough to make s'mores with good friends, hold hands with Mr. LC, and cuddle up with a good book and furbaby.

It's enough because it has to be enough.


  1. I'm glad you had a good weekend! I get very stressed about gifts because I hate to just give SOMETHING it has to be just.right.

    I would love to read your story, and I think you would really be reaching out to a lot of people out there who probably think that no one gets them. I hope you do it!

  2. Fun and X-mas shopping are two phrases that don't exist in my vocabulary. I'm amazed you did it. I'm glad too that your dad is on the mend.

    I have a co-worker who really wanted a genetic child. His wife was adopted, and she wanted to adopt, but agreed to do several IUIs. I don't think they could afford IVF, so they ended up adopting. Now, he is like the adoption cheerleader. He says stuff like, "I don't want to pass my genes on." This is a guy who looks 10 years younger than his age. I have been inspired by his story and example watching him go through all this over the years.

  3. Hi Mrs LC, God the WTF sounds hard. Do they have any financial assistance programme that they can apply at their discretion? Because you would be such a candidate; what about emailing her? I'm sorry about your nurse, it's really bothering me that you had to deal with her callousness on top of everything else. My guess is you threatened her because you clearly know so much more than her on the ART front. I would love you as my nurse too and you would so NOT freak me out; some empathy is badly needed on the nursing front, which you would so provide. Sorry to hear about your Dad, it is so completely unfair but I continue to hope that you both will catch a break xxx

  4. You sound like the perfect gift giver, pat yourself on the back, most people just get something to mark it off the list or just give a gift card. I'm glad you had a passionate WTF call and agree, you should write your story. I'm sorry you're still hurting. It's to be expected, but still sorry.

  5. You're poor dad! I wish they lived here because I think I would be checking on him too. I hope the antibiotics work quickly and effectively so he can enjoy the holidays (as much as he can given the situation).

    Just reading about the follow-up call makes my heart heavy. Such progress, but on this IVFs of all IVFs? I wish they had more concrete (and correct) answers. It just seems like such a guess sometimes, which makes it harder. And you would be such an asset to any RE practice...maybe you could work there and can get a hefty discount? Just thinking out loud.

    Get to writing! I think more than one person (other than followers) have told you how you need to write a book- they must be onto something. I know your story isn't over, but you can get the beginning done at least.

  6. I'm glad the WTF conversation is done. I was wondering if you were going to do that or not. And, I get the jealousy at people just starting the journey...though I am finally happy with my progress, I am still very frustrated by all I've lost throughout this LONG journey. I'm still trying to get back some "lightness of being" that I've misplaced. Somehow, those of us who went through so much know that there is HOPE at the start of this journey and that seems to be the thing that I envy and I bet it has something to do with yours too...the door just opening on all the possibilities instead of being slowly eaten away. Ugh.

    In any event, I think you'd be a great asset to any RE's office. I know I sometimes feel like I'd scare the pants off of anyone starting IF - I mean, who does that many IVFs? - but I do think that compassion is very frequently lost in many medical personel...and that is something you would have in spades...however, in your shoes, I'd be getting the hell away from all RE's. I'm sick of them myself.

    I am sorry to hear about your dad...I hope the antibiotics work and he can be more comfortable for the holiday!

  7. Huge hugs to Mr. and Mrs. LC.

    I, too, am amazed that you both were able to pull it together and shop your hearts out. This really speaks to your caring, giving nature. I'm so glad that you have each other.

    And your poor dad! =( It breaks my heart whenever I think about how much he's had to suffer. At the same time, I'm always in awe of how he's able to "bounce back" and beat the odds, He's a real fighter, just like you are.

    The WTF call sounds like it was really tough. I'm happy that Dr. M showed her human side along with her clinical side, but I so wish she had concrete answers for you. Not Your Aunt B got my wheels turning....I seriously think that if you were to land a gig with an RE, cycles would be heavily discounted. But then again, like you said, you'd be surrounded by "newbies" and couples who happen to fall on the positive side of the odds. A sticky scenario.

    And about the know I'd buy multiple copies. =)

    Still thinking about you lots!

  8. Sorry to hear about your dad...I hope he is on the mend. And ((HUGS)) to you.

  9. Everyone has said it so well- you're amazing for fighting the crowds to shop. It truly shows your giving, caring nature!
    I think you SHOULD work for a RE- you can teach some of those employees a thing or two. I don't think a failure @ IVF makes you scary- you'd be an asset in the best kind of way. ( I agree that the IVF nurse you spoke w/ is just threatened &/or jaded. piss on her.)
    Keep plugging away on that book- I think you're really on to something!

  10. Girl, you amaze me with your spirit, giving nature, and shopping skillz. I'm one of those assholes who broke down at Toys R Us last year and ended up buying gift cards at the grocery store just to get through. You are inspiring me to do better this year.

    Your poor dad. I wish both of you were able to catch a break. I share your sentiments on wondering why I want to pass my genes on so much.

    Ugh on that WTF call. I'm sorry you had to have another one at all.

    I think one of your biggest obstacles as an RE nurse would be intimidating the doctors. Of course you would be wonderful, but I think it would be too hard to fully move your heart away from ART with it in your face every day.

    I am glad that I'm not the only one who actually envies those starting out just "knowing" that IVF is their magic bullet.

    Hang in there, lastchance.

  11. I wonder if working in RE would be a down-the-line option. You would certainly bring a lot of compassion and knowledge to the process, and maybe once you have found your own ending to your story it wouldn't be hard on you. Even if you do adoption or donor whatever, you could be a real-life touchstone for the people who aren't successful with IF treatment. Plus, the idea of working in an office with employee cycle benefits is intriguing...

    Anyway, I'm glad you are back in the land of the living. Hang in there!

  12. I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope he is feeling better soon.

    You & Mr LC remain in my thoughts & prayers. Hugs!

  13. I am very much the same way about gifts. I LOVE to see someone's face REALLY light up when the open a gift and find something the REALLY like/want inside! So I say "You go girl!"

    I am glad your dad is on the mend.

    As far as the WTF call... well I'm not sure what to say about that. I am a very, uh, wistful person. I'm always dong the "what if" and "but for" scenarios in my head. I would have such a hard time thinkging about "if onle this was our FIRST wtf call instead of our last". I can only image how hard this is for you. And I'm sorry for that.