Monday, December 14, 2009


This post is going to be all over the place. My thoughts are just so scattered lately.

I work in medicine. I always take a look at my patient's 'social history' in their chart. It tells me their occupation, marital/partner status, and information about children. I seem to hone in on those that say 'children: none'. If they're older I am dying to ask them how their lives worked out that way, if they have any regrets, etc. Of course I don't--that's not my job nor my place. If they're younger or in that zone of 30-early 40s, I wonder if they might be like me.

This morning when I got to work I wanted to read my own pathology report. So of course I opened my chart (we're all electronic charts, nothing paper to go hunt down). And then I saw it:

Age: 35.
Marital status: married.
Children: none.

And it took my breath away.

I mean, it's not like I don't know I'm married (15 years!). It's not like I don't know my age (though I hate that I've crossed into advanced maternal age land). And DUH, it's not like I don't know my pathetic status of no children. But seeing it in black and white, as part of my medical record, well that just plain sucked.

I also realized that we're about to be into 2010, which means we're coming up on 5 years of TTC. I am not completely sure how we got here some days. When I used to read someone's profile or blog info and see TTC for 5+ years I would feel somewhat shocked. As in, who can go through this crap without some resolution for so many years?

But yet here we are, up to our necks and nearly drowning in this crap.

And then there was a piece in the New York Times about A.R.T. and it was a sad story of a very complicated situation and I read it, and then read some of the comments. Take home point: the world is so judgmental of us. Those of us who are not lucky enough to have sex and have a baby...we're apparently freaks of nature. And others are so judgmental it hurts. There were numerous comments about infertiles needing to take the hint from 'nature' or God that some people just aren't meant to be parents.

And even though I know these comments are ridiculous, and I can counter that argument with a million examples of nature getting it dead wrong, it still hurts. It hurts to know so many people do not understand my pain and frankly, never will. They'll just sit with their biological babies and judge judge judge.

And then there is Mich.elle Dug.gar. I can barely muster the energy to write anything about this. I wonder if this will end her quest to just keep having more babies.

As for the commenters who made such generous suggestions about helping us out with finances, I'll tell you, it's tempting. But it's so, so complicated. I think I would feel tremendously guilty accepting any help from anyone, because we feel like--as irrational as it is--this is our bed and we have to lie in it. As in, somehow we have to finance our dreams. But you never know, one day I might just change my mind :) --clearly I've been known to do just that.

Finally: distractions. I'm grateful for them right now. Yesterday I did some holiday baking. We had two parties over the weekend plus we worked at the shelter. We also completed our holiday shopping and ended last night with a wrapping party while watching Christmas Vacation. If I can keep my mind and my body super occupied I forget to hurt, and that is such a nice relief.


  1. What happened will NOT end Mich.elle Dug.gar's quest for more children because their quest is driven solely by what God sends them - and they will not stand in the way.

    I'm not defending that position and I could go on and on about the absurdity and illogical nature of it, never mind the hypocrisy of it all, but why bother?

    As for your status. It will change. For now, it just SUCKS!

  2. Being in a similar place to you right now, I think I can relate to the wanting to feel busy with distractions. I really don't want to be an emotional mess, but it sorta comes with the territory eventually. Triggers are everywhere like landmines. How do we stay away from them? The news stories that are hard to avoid unless you are a hermit. Finances are going to limit our choices too for the near future, and maybe far.

    About other people and their judgments - probably 99% of these people have not been in your circumstances. That's why I ignore such vile spew. There are a lot of crazy people out there that have too much time on their hands. These people do not have to live your life, so screw them. As for M. D., she's another nut case.

  3. I have also read peoples judgemental comments about IVF and it makes me CRAZY, I really hate when people make judgements about situations they have NO.IDEA. about (I'm sure I've been guilty of doing this too at some point) but to make such cavalier statements like "oh JUST adopt" like you are getting a puppy or something is just ridiculous.

  4. I get what you mean about the comments on the NYT - do you ever read The comments on those articles are usually pretty vicious as well. I think it's because of the anonymous nature of the Internet. People compete to outdo each other and vent their frustration. They forget that these articles are about real issues that real people are going through.

    To me, the worst comments are the ones from childless by choice people who talk about the effect that reproduction has on the environment. First of all, I think that line of thinking is complete bs and secondly, how dare they comment on something they know absolutely nothing about? Not only do they not have children, they don't even want them. At least the parents understand where IF couples are coming from, even if they do have a tendency to make the dreadful "why don't you just adopt" suggestions. I just stay completely away from the comment section now. Glad to see that staying busy is help you through the holiday season :)

  5. The Duggars have a religious conviction that will not prevent them from having more children until she is unable to have children. Right? Wrong? Doesn't matter really as there's not a hoot anyone can do about it, unless it enters into abuse/neglect, right?

    That's the thing- people will always judge. Educated, noneducated, those that have been there, those that haven't. It's very hard to hear- you just want to make them understand but understanding takes effort on behalf of both parties and that rarely happens because everyone just wants to spout off their opinion and be "right".

    What I DO feel is that God or nature or whatever doesn't decide who is "meant" to be parents. Perhaps it hasn't happened biologically yet, but I do not think for a second it does not mean you are not meant to be a parent. I so wish and hope that for you! May your status be: Children: YES!!! (I'm not a fortune teller so I can't predict for you their gender and age).

  6. I hate how judgemental people are! Its so ugly to read the comments that accompany some of those articles. Sometimes it actually scares me because it is accompanied by complete willful ignorance and a lack of empathy. It scares me that people can actually be that way. No matter how you prepare yourself, the comments are still hurtful and you almost wish you had a venue to get up and teach/lecture.

    And, I am with Sky...Mi.chelle will never stop having kids. Their whole thing is about God deciding when they are going to get pregnant and deciding the course of their lives. All I can say is that her husband must get off on pregnant sex (oh, I'm sorry, was that crass?) b/c mine would be totally FRUSTRATED by now! I can't imagine that doctors don't constantly tell her that it would be safer to abstain at this point (since they are unwilling to use birth control)...!

  7. UUUGGHHHHH - I am sorry - I am with you - and I have nothing nice to say about judgmental people or the Dugg.ars - so I will not post my own vents here on your blog.

    I am here to support you - and I am sorry that you have to look around and see and feel things taht are hurtful. ((HUGS))

    Lisa - meinsideout - on my stepson's computer so I will not log into my blog to post!!!

  8. i actually popped over here because i saw this:
    and thought of you.
    you're right...people are judgemental. sadly, no one can really win. you're judged if you have to go the extra mile (or thousand) to have children, you're judged if you don't want children, and you're judged if you have more than the "standard" 2.5 kids. all i can say is you've gotta do what is right for yourself and ignore all of the negativity...if that's possible!

  9. Super sucky, for sure.
    I agree that the world is so free to pass judgement, all the time. I hate it too, and have tried so hard to NOT do it myself... UGH. We never know how it would be if we were facing the same situations... Like Michele Duggar. For real... I think her uterus is trying to escape.

    Someone once told me that infertility was God's way of telling me I shouldn't reproduce. *gasp. to my FACE. yah...*
    It actually took a (non-religious) friend to point out maybe it was God's way of seeing how bad I wanted it... who knows.

    I wish I could eat some of that holiday baking! :) Let me know if you need to mail some off! ;)

  10. The most judgemental people seem to be those that have never even come close to walking in our shoes. They are ignorant and unsympathetic. It's so easy to judge when you're not facing the devastation of the situation. Ignore them, they have no clue what they are talking about. I bet their comments would be complete opposite if they were in the situation. Hoping and praying that your chart changes some how some way, and soon. Hugs

  11. You're so right - people are so terribly judgemental and if IF has taught me anything, it is to not presume to know what another person is feeling until you've walked a mile (or a hundred) in your shoes. I remember from one of your past posts how you went to the IVF info night and walked away thinking that you would never do that - I felt exactly the same way. I never in a million years thought I would have gone to the lengths I went to and to think I hated needles at the start of all of this! Ha! I can imagine that right now, you're so tired and confused about what to do and which way to move forward and I remember feeling that way 2 years ago when I too was at the 5 year mark of my journey. All I can say is that as crappy as how this all feels right now, you will come out of the tunnel and have a way forward...maybe just not right now.

    I have to tell you that every time I buy a lottery ticket, I promise to the Universe that if I win the jackpot, I would pay for your treatment. There has got to be a way for you, there just has to be. We just haven't found it yet.

  12. I tend to think that the most judgemental people are those who have not faced much pain or heartache in their lives. It's easy to make hypothetical decisions... They just can't put themselves "there" and begin to understand.

    It's weird the things that we know so well about ourselves - age, status, etc., but how differently they effect us when seen in a different light.