Random

This post is going to be all over the place. My thoughts are just so scattered lately.

I work in medicine. I always take a look at my patient's 'social history' in their chart. It tells me their occupation, marital/partner status, and information about children. I seem to hone in on those that say 'children: none'. If they're older I am dying to ask them how their lives worked out that way, if they have any regrets, etc. Of course I don't--that's not my job nor my place. If they're younger or in that zone of 30-early 40s, I wonder if they might be like me.

This morning when I got to work I wanted to read my own pathology report. So of course I opened my chart (we're all electronic charts, nothing paper to go hunt down). And then I saw it:


Age: 35.
Marital status: married.
Children: none.


And it took my breath away.


I mean, it's not like I don't know I'm married (15 years!). It's not like I don't know my age (though I hate that I've crossed into advanced maternal age land). And DUH, it's not like I don't know my pathetic status of no children. But seeing it in black and white, as part of my medical record, well that just plain sucked.

I also realized that we're about to be into 2010, which means we're coming up on 5 years of TTC. I am not completely sure how we got here some days. When I used to read someone's profile or blog info and see TTC for 5+ years I would feel somewhat shocked. As in, who can go through this crap without some resolution for so many years?

But yet here we are, up to our necks and nearly drowning in this crap.

And then there was a piece in the New York Times about A.R.T. and it was a sad story of a very complicated situation and I read it, and then read some of the comments. Take home point: the world is so judgmental of us. Those of us who are not lucky enough to have sex and have a baby...we're apparently freaks of nature. And others are so judgmental it hurts. There were numerous comments about infertiles needing to take the hint from 'nature' or God that some people just aren't meant to be parents.

And even though I know these comments are ridiculous, and I can counter that argument with a million examples of nature getting it dead wrong, it still hurts. It hurts to know so many people do not understand my pain and frankly, never will. They'll just sit with their biological babies and judge judge judge.

And then there is Mich.elle Dug.gar. I can barely muster the energy to write anything about this. I wonder if this will end her quest to just keep having more babies.

As for the commenters who made such generous suggestions about helping us out with finances, I'll tell you, it's tempting. But it's so, so complicated. I think I would feel tremendously guilty accepting any help from anyone, because we feel like--as irrational as it is--this is our bed and we have to lie in it. As in, somehow we have to finance our dreams. But you never know, one day I might just change my mind :) --clearly I've been known to do just that.

Finally: distractions. I'm grateful for them right now. Yesterday I did some holiday baking. We had two parties over the weekend plus we worked at the shelter. We also completed our holiday shopping and ended last night with a wrapping party while watching Christmas Vacation. If I can keep my mind and my body super occupied I forget to hurt, and that is such a nice relief.