Friday, December 11, 2009

A post revisited.

First of all, my biopsy was basically benign! Hooray! Unfortunately there weren't a lot of cells to test (which just happens sometimes, even though I know I had the best doctor doing the biopsy), but there were colloid cells (a good sign) and he was pleased. Now we'll just watch it. So no surgery for me :)

On my old blog, I once wrote a post about invisible children. I had written the post after reading another blogger's post on her invisible children. She had suffered a tragic loss, the birth of a full term infant who died only days later. She wrote about her invisible child that no one else could--or wanted--to see.

My invisible children, are, of course, different. I've never seen them on ultrasound, or felt the weight of them in my arms.

They have only been visible in my mind's eye.

Every day I think about the children we would have had by now, had we not been infertile. We'd have a three year old and a one year old right now. If I start thinking about all the treatments and where those children would be had ANY of them worked, it is mind boggling.

Oh how I want to know those children. How I want to see who they look like, if they favor Mr. LC's talents, or mine. I know that children are their own entities, complete with their own personalities. And I've even been advised (assviced?) by others that once you have children you don't care from whence they came.


But that doesn't take away my longing to know my biological children. To see them. To hold them in my arms, to let them fall asleep on my chest. To watch them grow. To look across the dinner table at Mr. LC and say "Oh look! Little LC is just like her father!"

But they remain invisible. Only a figment in my imagination.

I've been told that if we adopted it would be OK because "we wouldn't know what we were missing."

I will not even touch that statement because it offends me on so many levels. I'll just let it hang there in the blogosphere.

I guess I am grateful for my imagination. This Christmas I will imagine taking them to see Santa, I will imagine the look of wonder on their little faces as we look at holiday lights, I will imagine their sleepy eyes on Christmas morning seeing gifts under the tree and half eaten cookies on the hearth. I will imagine their beautiful sweet little baby voices singing "Silent Night." I will imagine Mr. LC reading them "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and then carrying their sock-footed PJed little bodies to bed, asleep on his shoulder.

I just miss them. So, so very much.

EDIT to add: After reading a couple of comments, I just wanted to say that Mr. LC and I had always said we would adopt one day. We had the "have one then adopt one" kind of mentality. I think adoption can be wonderful. I wish more people did it instead of cranking out 3, 4 and 5 bio kids personally. And the comment someone made to me about not knowing what we'd me missing that I referenced in the post--I think that is offensive to adoption in general--making it seem somehow 'less than.' I honestly don't know which way we'll end up going--I've learned to quit trying to guess. I just know that I do miss my biological children--that much I most definitely know.


  1. During my research on IVF, I came across a website that had a story from a couple choosing adoption. They said when they initially met with the adoption counselor, they expected her to ask them why they wanted to adopt. Instead, the first question from her was "have you grieved the loss of your biological child?" What a profound question, they did not expect.

    Take the time to grieve. Then, move on to your next plan. You will find one.

    I also have another comment I won't forgot made by someone from the IVFC boards. She said didn't think she could adopt until she realized when she was at the mall shopping, she kept looking at so many the children and thought...I could love, hold and squeeze so many of them, whether they were mine biologically or not.

    I have no suggestions behind any of these comments. They are simply ones that I remember quite clearly when we went through difficult times trying to understand IF and it's impact our lives. Your post immediately made me think of them.

    One more thought...this may seem like a strange idea but I wish you had a support fund set up somewhere. I want you to continue to try in any way that you wish, whether that's another cycle or adoption or surrogacy. I'd like to offer some help. We can't offer much (we went through a couple cycles ourselves) but a little bit to help you out.

    We wish you and your husband all the best.

  2. Mrs LC, I too would contribute to a support fund if you do want to cycle again. Maybe let it lie at the moment, but the offer's there from me and from Anonymous and I'm sure others would contribute. We just need someone with IT knowhow. I would be happy to act as a custodian (am in Ireland which does not help but am an attorney which may). Your post broke my heart, particularly the last paragraph. You will experience all these things but f*** me, I'm so sorry that your path to them will have been so tortuous. God Bless you xxx

  3. I hope more than anything that you get to experience these images in real life someday, with your own bio children. Some how, some way. Hugs

  4. Sorry people have offended you with recommendations for adoption :( I think it's just one of those topics people feel differently about. I know for me personally, I absolutely don't care about genetics or pregnancy or any of that. If someone was willing to give me a baby tonight, I'd take it without a second thought. We're going through treatments because it honestly seems easier and less scary to me than trying to adopt (crazy, huh).

    But if you don't feel that way, then you absolutely shouldn't feel pressured to adopt! It's your future and your family, and you have to build it in the way in which you feel comfortable. I think people often bring adoption up, not to suggest that it's so easy to simply go out and "acquire" a baby (I don't think anyone really believes that), but because it is somewhat of a solution to IF and people want to try to "fix" their loved ones' problems. Sometimes people don't realize that the "right" response is just to offer comfort and support. Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. And I hope you don't have too many people IRL trying to pressure you into something that's not right for you and your DH.

  5. Gosh do I understand what you mean.

    I so deeply miss the baby that vaporized into a chemical pregnancy. For some reason I cannot completely understand, that loss was far greater to me than the 9 week miscarriage.

    Maybe it was the earnest belief I had, the innocence, the fact that they were leftover embryos from a couple who loved one another and created them - that I could extend that love in my home (vs. me creating brand new embryos on my own). Whatever it is, I think of that baby so often.

    I'm sure you miss your babies this season more than ever and the image of them as cells is probably imprinted in your mind.

  6. Mrs. LC, this post made me sad. Ok, I was sad already, but it made me sadder!! The vivid detail was so real, yet not.

    I have an invisible child. I feel her around me or not, depending on how near or far she is to me. It's so very hard not to have the real thing. So close, yet so far away...

    I'm so happy your thyroid thingy was benign!

  7. So happy your biopsy was benign. And so many good comments. I remember that old post about invisible children. Since then I always imagine them putting all those fingerprints on those enormous windows you have in the house. Some of us see them. One of the gifts I had considered during those magical 24 hours was going to be a big bottle of windex for cleaning them all up. Sigh.

  8. Well at least a bit of good news! I remember that post too. It made sense to me, and sometimes I wonder about people and if they have any invisible children and I think it makes me more thoughtful about what I say to people.

    (if your not scared of us stalking you maybe you'd email me your address so we can send you a holiday card.)

  9. So glad your biopsy was benign - and I am thinking of you.

  10. I'm relieved that the biopsy was benign. Hopefully nothing more will come of the continued watchfulness.

    It's all so complicated. I don't know how, even if you choose adoption and are at peace with it, that sometimes those thoughts might creep in. Nike doesn't have it right; "just do it" doesn't work for anything like IVF or adoption. Or donor egg/sperm/embryo. Or carrier. There are no easy decisions.

    I wish you peace in whatever decision comes. It's what I wish for myself.

  11. If you can't "just" have a baby then there is no other "just", either. The emotional component is huge.

    I have no doubt that you would love and cherish an adopted child above all else, but no matter how much you want that situation the love part is only theoretical until the actual child is there. I think that's the problem with invisible children, too. No matter how much you want to love them, or even just think about them, it all stays fairly abstract. What you love or miss or treasure is more about your own hopes than anything else.

    I guess I'm really just talking about me now. As for you, I'm glad you don't have to worry about that pesky thyroid. I wish it were that easy to resolve everything else, too.

  12. I'm so glad your biopsy was benign! And, I, too, remember your post about your invisible children. They ARE your children... all of them.

  13. You went straight to my heart with this one, my dear. I think and feel it all too. I just miss them in ways I can't describe and there is no real way to explain it in a way that makes sense to people. I'm sorry you feel it all too.

    I am so glad to hear about the biopsy. One huge sigh or relief let out for you in CA.

  14. What a heart wrenchingly beautiful post.

    We have an imaginary child. They would be two in May. Because we would have been one of incredibly blessed couples who got pregnant on the first try... Instead we have a dog, and an empty spare bedroom.

    I just found your blog, and I really like it. I'm sorry we had to meet this way.


  15. Yay for NOT cancer!

    As for missing your bio babies... You mentioned in one of your prior posts something to the effect that adopting is more in line with your social morals regarding need/the environment. Yeah, me too. Yet you have tried SO HARD to have a bio baby. Yeah, me too. The drive to have a bio baby... it is just so innate. I have never really written about this on my blog but I was not someone who "always wanted to be a mother". I never saw myself as the domestic diva. Never fantasized about "having a family". Never imagined what it would feel like to be called "mommy". Having a child was just never high on my priority list of things to do in life. Until it was. Literally we got married and BOOM, the drive to reproduce kicked in. I was surprised by it. Because of my former myopic focus on work, I was embarrassed by it. But there it was, biology staring me in the face. All of a sudden when my niece was talking so fast that she was tripping over my words, I saw how she was just like my sister (and I). When my nephew was acting exceptionally stubborn I thought about how innately like his father he is. And I thought about how like me my brother is and how we are both so like my father. And how my sister and I look JUST alike. And I thought about the evolutionary chain and how I want to be a link in it. Biology CERTAINLY does not a parent make. However, it is there and it is real. And I honestly don't know how a person involved in the scientific field could ever move on to adoption without first morning the very real loss of that. Because it is a huge fucking deal.

  16. Wow. What a powerful post. I try not to think about my invisible children. But I read something like this and I can't help but remember them.