Friday, December 25, 2009

Do you believe in ghosts or Christmas miracles?

Before I get into the post--anonymous in Europe--send me an email if you ever want to talk more. It seems we DO have a lot in common--and I'm really sorry about your fifth IVF failure. It's a select group we've found ourselves in, isn't it? (lastchanceivf at gmaildotcom)

And now onto the post:

You've heard me speak of my invisible children. You've also seen (on my old blog) pics of our house with our enormous floor to ceiling windows. When I posted those pictures I got many a comment about seeing invisible hand prints that would one day turn into real hand prints when our children became visible.

A few days ago, in preparation for some family visiting, I was cleaning those floor to ceiling windows with Mr. LC. It isn't an easy job but the reward is worth it. I was outside and suddenly I saw it--a teeny tiny handprint.

Made from the inside.

From a baby.

Only, there haven't been any babies in our house in over a year (that I can remember). And I've certainly cleaned the windows many times in the past year.

At first I thought it was some type of critter (a raccoon perhaps?) and that the print was on the outside. I showed Mr. LC.

"Well how would a raccoon get that far up the window?" True, the print was about six feet up. Also, it was quickly obvious that it was on the inside. We spent a few minutes trying to figure out how it could have possible gotten there, and we were stumped.

I went inside and studied it.

It gave me chills. It was there.

And made me think it was a sign (and no, I don't really believe in signs, not anymore anyway). Our Christmas miracle was coming for sure...I mean, last month we had the faintest of positives. Maybe my body would now famously "know what to do"...maybe the effects of the biopsies was still lingering. I ovulated like clockwork on day 14. I won't get into details about any other stuff but suffice it to say things timed out very, very well. I had distinct uterine cramping 8 days past ovulation. Of course, it had to be implantation cramping. I used my progesterone supplements as instructed. We were due for a miracle. I wouldn't have even minded being one of those "see you stopped trying so hard and look what happened!"

And today my period started. Sigh.

So I don't know what to make of that handprint. And no, I don't believe in Christmas miracles. Today, while most everyone I know (but certainly not all) either watched their kiddos delight in presents under the tree, or are busily making plans for upcoming transfers of perfect embryos, or are rubbing their growing bellies--Mr. LC and I put together shelving from IKEA and ate homemade biscuits and soy sausage. I called my parents and my Dad didn't even remember we were just there a few days ago, celebrating. Yesterday we ate our tofurkey and went to twirl under the famous Zilker Christmas tree but were the only ones without little ones. The only place we felt somewhat normal was at our 11:00 pm Christmas service because the only people out that late were the ones not at home struggling to put together Santa gifts.

Sigh. I know I will receive comments about the handprint--that our child is out there and we just haven't found him/her yet. I know because I've made those comments myself to others. But let's face it: we don't have anything in the freezer, we don't have any plans for more cycles, we don't have any plans period. When people have been asking lately if I have kids I have been trying this answer on for size: "No, we can't have children." It hurts me to say it each and every time but it is my reality and I have to learn how to live with it.

This is one bummer of a Christmas day post, eh?

OK, we're heading out to the homeless shelter. I know if I waited until we returned to post this I wouldn't do it, because I'd realize that my problems are minor compared to so many.

OK, I already realize that, and I'm sorry to be such a whiner.

I wish a had a river I could sail away on.


  1. Merry Christmas! How nice of you to volunteer so much of your time to the homeless.

    I hope the handprint was a sign for you. If it is it will be a great story to tell. AFM, I'm over signs. I thought I had plenty that turned out not to be signs, unless of course god was playing tricks on me.

    No Christmas miracles here either. No presents under the tree. No tree even. No kids waiting for santa. Started my period this week too. Timing was perfect here too. *sigh* I would so like to be one of those women who can call the RE and cancel an IVF or FET because oops she ended up pregant. *sigh*

  2. shouldn't you keep going with the supp? Was this a real period or was it twins and now one is left? I think you should do a pee stick Monday, what would the harm be?
    I had this happen to me, I thought it was my period and actually it was the empty ovum leaving the building. Shrug, can't hurt, might help?

  3. Yes, you are very overdue for your turn!!! I was getting soooooo excited reading your post and then, darn AF. I haven't stopped praying that you will receive your miracle. Hugs my friend!

  4. Can't believe in ghosts, but sometimes a miracle does seem to pop up out of nowhere. Not sure about the handprint, though...

    The thing I AM sure of is that you'll have your own family gathering around that tinsel tree one day. It just sucks that you have to manhandle the logistics of something that is supposed to be semi-automatic...

  5. I was thinking like Jill and then got to the part about blasted AF...I too think the handprint is a sign but a sign for specifically how it is going to happen, I don't know. I have thought about you so many times this Christmas season and I don't know how and I don't know when, but sometimes when you don't know anything anymore and put your trust and faith in your beliefs, you will be astounded. I hope you are more than astounded and I continue to hope for you.

  6. I was starting to get so excited when I started reading your post. Ugh. AF sucks. I do so want you to be that story that all the annoying fertiles tell us infertiles - you know, you stopped trying after spending all your money and ooops, you are preggo! I am still praying...sometimes it takes time.

  7. That's weird and spooky and eerie (at least to me). Don't you wish signs came with an actual sign explaining themselves?
    All I know is that I think you both would make great parents, that I have a hard time imagining you not as a parent, and that I hope this IS a sign that becoming a parent and having more hand prints all over your windows is in your future.
    That's a very brave statement to tell people too.

  8. I don't know what that tiny handprint means, but I hope it IS a sign for good things in the future. I think it is only fair.

  9. You are not a whiner. Somedays, like Christmas day and today, I'd be happy to be a dust particle in intergalaxic space.

  10. wow, what a story! i would totally take it as a sign!

  11. Not sure what to make of this one! I really wish it had ended differently with the print leading up to your Christmas miracle.

    I've been using the same line lately. The first few times it came with swallowed back tears, but now it comes out rather flawlessly. What a sucky transition, huh?

    Come kayaking with me on the CO river...It has a view worth sailing away on. (-;