Sunday, October 11, 2009

Self Preservation?

It's the name of the game during infertility.

Which means that's been the name of our game for 4.5 years. Well, maybe 3.5 years because let's be honest, that first year--while we were most definitely frustrated we didn't pregnant right out of the starting gate--we didn't think we were infertile.

Mr. LastChance and I have really been enjoying our lives of late. Take today, for instance. It's cold and rainy today, and after we got home from church we immediately jumped back into our pajamas and here I sit on the computer and he's monkeying around with music stuff. The whole day stretches before us. Yesterday I baked and went trail running and we spent several hours working on a volunteer project that is near and dear to our hearts.

Friday afternoon I laid on the couch (also with the cold rain falling outside) and finished a book. The third book I've finished in as many weeks. I love to read. I love having time to read. Friday night we went to the local homeless shelter to work in the kitchen--which is a pure pleasure.

See a theme here?

It's nice to have time to do the things you enjoy doing. And we talk about this all the time. How nice our lives are...because we have time.

We've even said that we have reached a point where we know that we will be ok either way.


I said it.

We wouldn't lead entirely selfish lives if we never had kids--volunteering has and always will be important to us. Of course, it's nice because we have time to do it.

I am not saying we don't want kids. Duh. That desire still exists. But I'd be lying if I said that the desire is quite as intense as it was, say, last year.

I know that to a certain extent this is self-preservation talking. We have to be prepared for what comes next, good or bad.

But maybe the alternative is really good or.... good. Just two different kinds of good.

Good Type 1: A pregnancy! A baby! The fruition of all our hard work and determination and tenacity. A child between me and Mr. LastChance. Sleep deprivation. Stretch marks. No time for anything--except sweet baby kisses, sweet baby smells, and a love that right now, we cannot even comprehend. This good is the good I've longed for, and I intensely long for when I see a mother and her newborn, or a pregnant belly, or a family just out enjoying time together.

Good Type 2: Life as it currently is. Full in a different way. Maybe the chance to pursue other dreams. Expanding our family in a different way (which yes, would suck up all the time, too--totally aware of that). But not bad. Not UNgood. This is the good I can appreciate on a day like today.

I don't know. As per usual, I find myself rambling here.

So I know when I started this here anonymous blog I said I wouldn't post pics...but I guess I lied.

I do this:

So I can do this:

(stolen from Bakerella...giant Oreo truffle kisses). I had so much fun making these...I guess I lied when I said I 'baked' because these don't actually involve baking.

I know the first half of the post was all seriousness, that's why I left you with the second half :)

And now for the big PS:

If you really do want to 'be with me' and send a lovely picture of yourself or a good luck trinket so I can hold you close during my upcoming transfer--I'm all for it! What I am NOT asking for is GIFTS, seriously girls.
Brenda of LostInSpace has so super-sweeetly agreed to handle all the details so here's her email address in case you're interested:


  1. Great post! I started feeling exactly this way in the last year before we got pregnant. I did start settling into the idea of another life...a great life...and it did make me appreciate all the wonderful things I have in my life already. I do think that this is a weird little gift of IF. I know I would have cried with another BFN and it probably is something of self-preservation, but I also know that we would have been fine. We've discovered we have a pretty good life I'm so glad you are in the same mind-set. I think it means you aren't giving up at all but you are starting to see the reality of the situation...and it isn't as bad as when you are looking at it from the biased side that we all do when we find out getting pregnant won't be as easy as we all thought.

    Have a great relaxing Sunday!!!

  2. I had so many moments when I felt that same way - and the thought of it not working would seem like a relief on some levels. We had been through so much and we were tired. So tired of the process. And we are in love and have a great life together. I hear you.

    I am really excited for this next cycle and I will be anxiously awaiting updates. I will also send a little pic!

    Lisa from meinsideout

  3. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and Mr. LastChance. I know that things will all fall into place for you guys! And it seems from your post that you realize this too. I'm happy that you are finding a peaceful spot in the midst of everything you've been through.

    Now, you are killing me with the chocolate pic. Seriously?? I HAVE TO HAVE ONE NOW! Or two :) I checked out the site and, ummm, YUM!

  4. Tap, tap... hi, that's me beside you playing the same game. Even though it will be devastating if we never achieve our goal, it will be temporary and we know that we will live blessed lives either way. Isn't that a great place to be? I'm glad you are in this place, it's a healthy content place. But I still hold hope that you will soon have your miracle taking up all your time. =)

  5. I was just thinking of sending you seomthing to take into transfer with you and very glad that I have an e-mail to send it to now! You sound very much...well, at peace isn't exactly the expression I'm looking for...maybe I mean to say that you sound like you really appreciate your life as it is. Yes, a baby will add a new set of circumstances and joys but you'll be okay either way. You'll be okay either way. That in itself is a very profound understanding of you and your own thoughts and emotions.

  6. I had some of these very same thoughts before our last cycle, likely as you said out of self preservation. I wish I knew the right thing to say. Life is and can be good without pregnancy and bio-babies and all that we have wished and dreamed and breathed for so many years. It's also "different"... and one that I hope you never have to know. I want this to work so badly for you.

    I'm so excited for your good luck charm and photos "project". Some cute stuff already in and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest. (-; Keep it coming ladies!

  7. I'm glad you posted this. I have many days where I think, "my life is good." I know if we don't have our own children, it will be devastating, but I will move on after the grief. All we have is this moment. Oh, and I was wondering who that was who passed me on the trail. I recognize that butt now!!

  8. I gave you an award over on my blog, so stop by to check it out.

  9. After ten years of going through infertility there is no such thing as self-preservation anymore. You've lost all of that stuff. Your emotions are down to the bare wire. My husband and I still are going through age 45 AND after TEN YEARS!!! We will never give up,it's not an option for us. Currently we are saving to do IVF AGAIN. I wish truckloads of luck to you and Mr. Lastchance. NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!!

  10. I think you are just being very realistic - and luckily you do have a life that is full and rich and satisfying already. So many people spend so much time hoping and struggling for that! I think not having a meaningful life and people to really share it with would be a much worse struggle than dealing with infertility.

    That said - I hope you can have your wonderful life AND children - sure, you won't have as much time, but you can probably still manage to make giant oreo truffles. Priorities!

  11. I loved this post... your words, your thoughts, everything about it. I have been thinking of you a lot ... please know that.

  12. I think you are amazing. I think you and Mr. LastChance are going to have a great life because you are great people and deserve it. xoxo