Friday, June 4, 2010

An untitled post. Oh wait...I just titled it.

I can hear the engines die, stalling,

I can see the clouds go by, falling,

I can feel my senses fry, dissolving,

But I still know my way home.


Gawd there is so much to say, but I really don't know where to begin.
I'm sitting here staring at the keyboard, my right ovary aching and aching, like it always does, right on time, as it nears ovulation.

We're adopting--it's true. But my body keeps on doing what it was designed to do--release an egg each month. A pretty useless egg, but an egg nonetheless.

I wish I could tell you that when you cross over into adoption the pain of infertility dissolves away, but you're smart enough to know that's not true. Adoption helps you cope with one loss and one loss only regarding infertility--and that's the loss of the ability to parent. And for that, I know I will be eternally grateful.

But my body still thinks it can procreate. Stupid, stupid body. And I still hurt over that stupid, stupid body.

Our dreams have shifted--we no longer talk about the genetic baby we would have created together. Instead, we talk about the diverse family we will create together.

It's going to be intense. It's going to be crazy. I'm sure we'll make one million mistakes.

But we just couldn't wait any longer.

Our hearts were aching to be parents.

We still feel alone--no one in our circles have adopted. We don't know any other infertiles in real life for whom treatment never worked. We must branch out and get to know some new friends in real life that have chosen this path.

Or did this path choose them/us?

As far as details, for now, I'll keep it brief.

We're adopting internationally. Our dossier has been officially registered for over two months now.

And so now we wait.

And try not to think about it. About the fact that a baby we might be lucky enough to parent is probably in utero now. Probably without the benefit of prenatal care. Probably under less than ideal circumstances. Probably without anyone pampering the mother, like I would have been.

Oh guys--I would have been such a pampered pregnant woman because I have the best husband in the world. Damn I'm going to miss that, something else that you miss without ever having had it in the first place.

I try not to think about a mother halfway around the globe who touches her belly and probably already knows she will not be able to parent her baby. And her heart is breaking.

Mine breaks for her, too.

I can hear the engines die, stalling,

I can see the clouds go by, falling,

I can feel my senses fry, dissolving,

But I still know my way home.



35 comments:

  1. i can't imagine that any of this is easy. or has been the last ten years or so. i can only say that you will be an amazing mother. the support and love you show to people you wouldn't even recognize if you passed them on the street can't be matched. you are by far one of the most beautiful and caring people i have ever met. and i truly wish only the best in life for you and your love, mr. lc.
    xoxo

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  2. It IS interessting to think that somewhere a woman is pregnant with YOUR child. Scary, exciting, everything. I, too, would be sad for the bio-mom who knows she can't parent the child, but she knows she is doing the right thing.

    Great pics, btw.

    Sunshine

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  3. I imagine that chosing this path is difficult and you are right that you are giving up on the dream of pregnancy and a genetic child. I think you are going to make amazing parents to one lucky baby (proably already growing like you said). You have an aamzing journey.

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  4. I often think that DE has chosen me too. Yes, I will experience pregnancy, but like you, not the genetic connection. That is a loss. You should grieve over it.

    I admire and respect the idea of international adoption. I think you two will make the most wonderful parents in the world and I am just so happy for you...there are no words.

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  5. I'm sure your decision to adopt was a difficult one at best. Our next step after Donor Egg was International Adoption, so I am familiar with how big a step this was for you. It was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make - giving up on having another genetic child (since Kara was our one and only). Having looked into her beautiful face and seen my husband and I, and knowing that we would never have that chance again, was completely hearbreaking. However, the need to parent is a stong one and I am very happy that you have chosen a path that is right for both you & DH. Many people cannot go further than IVF, for innumerable reasons, and end up forgoing parenting altogether. I wish you and DH much success in this process and hope it goes rather quickly. You guys will be great parents. xxoo

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  6. From what I have read, and all that I have seen, I can only believe you will make the most amazing parents. 1 million mistakes, sure.......but you will also do 1 billion things right. I know that adopting will never replace the hope of a genetic child, and it totally makes sense to miss something that you never had in the first place. I really hope this adoption happens for you both quickly, you both deserve it. I also hope it brings you all the happiness you could have ever imagined :)

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  7. My very wonderful friend adopted a little girl from Nepal six years ago. She couldn't be happier or more in love. I have posted about wanting to have adopted vs. using donor embryo. But adopting as a single woman is extremely challenging. Your child is out there somewhere right now and when you're holding that sweet baby, you'll be unable to imagine any other outcome having been more perfect. Ridiculously excited for you.

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  8. Adoption is a tough road for all parties involved. My best friend gave up her first child for adoption at the age of 16 and two of my childhood friends were adopted. One of my bloggy friends adopted this year. One thing I know about all of them is that everyone involved has a better life than they would have done if the adoptions hadn't happened. Every "alternative" to the standard route of procreation brings mourning and regret - even those that eventually manage to carry their own biological child often mourn the innocence and joy that their pregnancy might have had if it had come easily. You will be fantastic parents. I hope it comes as soon as possible!

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  9. A beautiful post. You will be an amazing mother...and a pampered one at that.

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  10. This was beautiful! That is going to be one lucky baby to find you and your hubby!!

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  11. I am glad that you and Mr LC have each other on this journey because I know that you will pamper each other along the way! Hugs to you both!

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  12. I cannot even imagine how difficult this journey must be that you're on. I know that when they place that little baby in your arms, you will be so in love and will feel like the luckiest mom in the world, I know because I hear it all the time from parents that adopt. But I also know that this journey through adoption doesn't start there and that you're in the difficult stage, having to accept things that are not easy to accept. I pray that this is a quick and beautiful process for you and that the difficult stage is short and the rewards are endless. This is going to be one little blessed baby to have you guys for parents! Hugs!

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  13. Geez, you are one good writer. My heart is breaking a little too. And you will pamper that little one.

    And to answer your question from my blog - no, I don't. I did (and had a pretty high-stress job and an even fancier degree) but I quit about a year ago when CCRM became part of our TTC life. The stress was bad for me at work, I didn't make enough money to warrant the stress, and DH and I decided that my job (and it can be a time-consuming one!) was to build our family. I was not planning to work when parenting anyway. Honestly, it is the best decision we've made in this process. And I don't miss it at all.

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  14. I agree, this was beautiful! And what's most important is that the baby is already loved. Can't wait for more details -- which country?

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  15. Yep. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. No woman should be let down by her body - nobody should have to go through the stupidity that is the female reproductive system without it doing, ya know, the actual reproductive bit. And it also utterly sucks that a woman carries a child that she isn't able to raise. Suddenly, the pampering that a pregnant woman *should* get looks cruelly absent... from both angles.

    It *is* a heartbreaking business, all of this. I wish it weren't so. Thinking of you.

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  16. Wow! I wish I could go back in time and be the kid that gets to be matched with you!

    Seriously, though. Of course it's a fraught process with so many what-ifs, but in the end there are reasons that people can't raise their own children. I hope you find a match that feels like a best-case scenario for everyone. If I had to give up my kid I would be so grateful for you and Mr. LC.

    Wishing you the absolutely best!

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  17. I hear you on making mistakes along the way. (I'm sure we'll make plenty.)

    I hear you on getting a period like clock work every. single. month. (The bane of my infertile existance.)

    I hear you on thinking about whether your child's been conceived yet and what his/her birth mother is doing at this moment and she's going through.

    I think you've been in my mind too lately! We are so on the same wavelength.

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  18. I feel the frustration of my body wanting to procreate too, and knowing my eggs are crap. I think I have some idea of what it's like to give up your genetics, having struggled with the same thing myself (yes on adoption, no on DE is the current thought). There is a lot of heartache all the way around, but I can't help but think there is a happy ending for all of you in the end.

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  19. Ugh. Damn mother nature. It would really irk the shit out of me to know ding! two weeks, ovulate. ding! two weeks, period. Like you need an effing reminder, right?

    Everyone makes mistakes. Millions of them. Welcome to parenthood! Even with those million mistakes, you & Mr. LC are already such natural parents and good people- it will be wonderful to see you both doting on a child. While it is a little mind-bogging that your baby is conceived and growing, I keep sending good vibes out there for your baby, the mom, the dad, the orphanage/agency, and that everything falls into place. I am so excited! I know there is still a ways to go, but it is exciting! A baby! SQUEE!

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  20. Here's my take.... You're "paper pregnant" right now, so why cease to pamper?! The dossier is done, so now you wait, the same "when will it happen" wait that those with the bio-babes also wait. Yours may NOT be 9 months (40 weeks, actually, which when the math is done is NOT 9 months, but whatev!) You're in the "wait"! Yes, some pampering happens because mom is too "big" or "tired" or whatever- but mostly it's because everyone around her knows: this is the last time you get to focus any attention on yourself for the next 18 years. From the time you get the call and board that plane, life is no longer about YOU or Mr. LC, but about that precious baby that is YOUR child.
    So I say now is the time to start pampering! Pedicures, spa treatments, new shoes, ice cream- whatever it is that your heart desires. Soak it up, this paper pregnancy- it's something that should be celebrated! :)

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  21. A very moving post. My work includes working with children who have been adopted. The joy they bring to their families is beyond words. I'm so glad that joy is heading your way.

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  22. While there are so many things that you must feel scared about as you wait and wonder, there is a very, very exciting idea that awaits you and Mr LC ... the idea that a beautiful, amazing little baby is out there growing by the day, waiting to meet you and Mr. LC. Your baby, your baby is out there. You will meet her one day... and though you'll take it one day at a time on your path to meet her, your day will come and she will be in your arms. Sending you love across the miles tonight!

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  23. I feel you on the ovary front. Always teasing me with hope...

    That's so neat to think that your baby most likely already exists in this world. Your child's birthmother may not be getting the proper care, but I do hope she feels comfort from your prayers.

    That said, having a baby on the way, how are you not registered at Target yet? Once the paperwork was accepted, I don't think I would be able to resist :)

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  24. I'm glad to see that you've found your path and I know it is not an easy one to follow but I wish you all the best. May your wait time be short and the process speedy!

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  25. Thank you for your post. I had my DE cycle cancelled last month and am in the process of coming to terms with adoption. Like you, I know I will be a great parent and wish so badly that I could carry a child with my genetics. These past years have been gruelling for me as I knew I would have also been that pampered mom...But alas, I fear that this will not be my reality either.

    But know this, that baby will love you because you are his/her mom. You will give that child a love like no other.

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  26. You and Mr. LC will be wonderful parents...and will make tons of mistakes too, lol, I think it is inevitable. I even think that mistakes are in the eye of the beholder!

    I know adoption helps with the loss of ability to parent only, but, from what I've seen of my IRL friends who have adopted after years of failed IF treatments, they have all but forgotten the other losses. I think a child just takes over...so you may still feel pangs of loss here and there but you really won't have time or inclination to notice them. At least that is what I've gotten from them during very frank discussions (when we were considering adoption but then found out we were not an ideal couple to likely have success at it).

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  27. Beautiful and painful... all of it. I just want to give you a big hug.

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  28. Lucky kid to have you and Mr. LC as parents. My heart breaks and is so excited for you at the same time.

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  29. I can't wait to hear more, and I'll think good thoughts that your baby is out there waiting for you!

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  30. Congratulations! Can't wait to hear more about this, particularly which country you chose and why (if you're open to sharing that).

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  31. You and Mr. LC will be amazing parents and your baby will be blessed with an incredible amount of love from the both of you. You will be able to provide a life that this child would not otherwise know. I know that adoption is a hard and overwhelming experience but when that baby is placed in your arms, all of that will fade away. Your mommy dreams will have come true. I'm so happy for you both!

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  32. Any baby will be very lucky to have parents like you and your DH. Your personalities shine through via this blog. I cannot wait to follow along! :)

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  33. awesome news. I'm curious why you chose this path rather than donor eggs? Or did I miss that post? Of course you have every right not to tell, but I'm in the same situation and trying to determine next steps...so I'm just curious.

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  34. Your post made me cry. I, too, can't wait to one day feel "eternally grateful"...when I finally get the chance to parent. And, like you, I constantly wonder these days...is my path choosing me?

    As adoption becomes more of a reality for us, we took a 10-week adoption seminar class and met a great network of people. I cried seeing the video of a former IF support group ally's DH holding their soon-to-be daughter adopted internationally. (My god, do I sound like the biggest crier, or what? :)

    Wishing you a world of happiness in your decision to adopt...and looking so forward to reading those "eternally grateful" posts when you cross to the other side.

    Cheering you on from this small corner of San Fran...

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  35. I have nothing more to add than what everyone else had already posted. Lots of love and hugs going your way. :)

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