Sunday, June 27, 2010

Are you curious?

I know I said I stay kind of quiet about the adoption...that's true most of the time out in the real world. However, around here we do quite a bit of talking about it. Although I will say it does not consume as much talk/thought as infertility.

OK I guess that's a little lie. When we were in the thick of it (paperwork) it was all we talked about. It was so, so much we had to talk about it every.single.minute to keep sane and get it all done.

You've also heard me talk about our love of Curious George. How we had planned and planned and planned on a Curious George themed nursery from the get-go. How we have collected Curious George items for years and how they are all neatly stored and labeled in giant rubber totes in our garage closets.

We got them out today.

No, not because we have a referral. We're still probably months and months and months away from that.

But because there is nothing for us to do right now. We're just waiting. So I decided it would be fun to take a look at all of our CG stuff.

A brief rewind in the timeline:

Before we were infertile (I mean before we knew we were infertile) we always said we'd "have one adopt one." Life is funny that way, huh?

In 1996 or so someone suggested we do a Curious George themed nursery one day because we both loved him and had fond memories of him from our childhood. Because there is a seven year age difference between the two of us we don't always share the same childhood loves but there we were, bonded over a little curious monkey named George. When we were going through our CG loot today we found a calendar from 1997 which we purchased because the prints were beautiful and we thought we might frame one or two for the walls. 1997 folks. No, we weren't trying then, but we were blissfully naive and innocent enough to think it was fine and dandy to purchase such items so far in advance. Hardy har har har.

In 2005 (May to be exact, so we just hit five years though we're no longer TTC) we started officially trying. I'd already been off the pill for nearly a year and we were avoiding crucial times, what a complete joke. Yes, I know this is a joke many of us have come to realize the universe was playing on us.

2007-2009: a laparascopy, three hysteroscopies, one polypectomy, two uterine biopsies, four IUIs, and four IVFs leads to nothing but heartache and ridiculous amounts of money spent. Have one, adopt one? Seemed to be quite hung up on 'having one.'

2010: Between IVF #4 and #5 we decide to seriously think about adoption. We go so far as to fill out a ton of paperwork and pay ridiculous amounts of money to an agency, considering this our Plan A, and our final FET at CCRM our Plan B.

November 2010: stupid stupid stupid chemical pregnancy. We saw the second line and our worlds turned upside down. Brief though it was, we had tasted success (not really, in the grand scheme of things, but to us, it meant the WORLD and it was the closest moment we'd ever had of thinking we might just have one after all) and it threw us for a major loop. We put the adoption on hold, we freaked out, we cried, we talked, we screamed, we kicked, we screamed some more, we talked, we begged, we felt stupid, we ran around in circles like chickens with our heads cut off.

WHAT TO DO?
Did that second line mean anything? Anything at all?

What is it with lyrics anyways?

I love Regina Spektor. And early on in our IF journey I would listen to this one part of her song "On the Radio" and use it to reinforce my idea to keep trying.

This is how it works

You're young until you're not

You love until you don't

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breathe

Until their dying breath


I was going to 'try until I can't.' Thanks, Regina, for giving me permission.

And then, one day, singing those familiar lyrics, eureka.

I had.

I had tried until I couldn't.

This life, it's not a dressed rehearsal.

This is it.

I will say it again: I had tried until I couldn't. I had laughed until I cried, I had cried until I laughed, and I knew that one day I will breathe until my dying breath.

But hopefully not until I've lived a long full life with someone calling me Mom.

Calling me, Mom.

26 comments:

  1. I just can NOT wait till this works out for you...until someone
    calls you mom....and they will!!!!

    I have been collecting Dr. Seuss stuff since I was 16 for my
    babies room...haha....still in storage! Looking forward to seeing
    the room!

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  2. I think the fact that you got your Curious George stuff out is a good sign, like you are really moving on from your own genes to adopting. Not like it's an overnight "I'm done with my genes" thing, because grief is never that simple (take it from someone going through the same thing). I really hear the sadness and anger in your post from not being able to "have one", but I also hear the hope in the "adopt one"! I hope it happens sooner than you think!

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  3. A few weeks ago I went through a box of my childhood books/toys, because I KNOW someone will eventually call me mom. We'll both get there.

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  4. I am so hopeful for you. I know the road is long and will at times be filled with trouble, but I just know that your CG nursery will be amazing and will be filled with a beautiful child that most definitely calls YOU, Mom. I will be here supporting you all the way!

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  5. I remember before we knew we were infertile, we would casually talk about how many we wanted and when we would start, etc. Taking it all for granted as if it was all come so naturally. Looking back, I could kick myself for waiting even 1-2 years, but how could any of us have known we were IF? Someday, someone will call you mom. Keep the faith and never give up. xxoo

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  6. Ugh, gorgeous post. Made me cry. Again.

    You're on your way LC. Can't way to celebrate with you when you get your little one.

    Hugs.

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  7. Another tear jerker! I think it is wonderful that you have had the courage to collect all that Curious George stuff. We also love him, and monkeys in general, but have not allowed ourselves to buy anything. Not one thing. But you will definitely get to put your stuff to use.

    And I also love Regina Spektor - you definitely pulled some great wisdom from her lyrics. You are a very wise woman and will be a wonderful mom!

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  8. I am all about Pooh bear - I have so much crap for the baby room... all I need is the baby!

    Your journey touches my soul. I know in my bones that you will be a mom and you will hear little pitter-patters of teeny tiny feet running to your bedroom in the mornings... calling from the tops of their lungs... Mommmmmmmmmmy!!!!

    Read "Spirit Babies" I think you'll like it!!!

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  9. What a gorgeous post. I love that song too, btw. I'm interested in reading more about your adoption process. I was wondering if you'd be willing to describe what it was like? The paperwork you had to fill out, the homestudy, what your social worker is like, ect. If not, I totally understand, but I bet a lot of your readers would be interested. I hope you hear about your referral soon!

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  10. Sounds like a great step to be ready to open your Curious George boxes. It's going to be a super cute nursery with a baby that will be the center of your world (hopefully sometime soon)!

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  11. Great post. So heartbreaking and exciting all at once. I also would love to hear your story of what the adoption process has been like so far - everything you've had to do for it- if you feel like sharing with us at some point!

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  12. This is a beautiful post. I am so happy for your eureka moment. I think it's so hard for infertile women to know when to stop trying... I know it is something I struggled with and would have continued to struggle with. To find peace with the fact that you tried everything you could (you certainly did) and you were ready for the next steps is huge! I'm sure it wasn't easy, but I'm glad you got there.

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  13. I loved reading your post. Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us! Song lyrics really "speak" to me in my daily life, too. I probably drive my hubby crazy because I always have some new song to share with him, and then I tell him all about what it means in our life, lol. I look forward to hearing more about how the adoption journey is going!

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  14. Thank you. I am still waiting for that eureka moment, but I know it is coming. I can feel twinges of it every day.

    We've collected 101 Dalmatians stuff for years for the same reason. I actually started getting rid of some of it a few years back in an angry rage after our adoption failed. Might have to go look and see what we still have left...

    Thanks again for sharing your journey. :)

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  15. UGH. I don't want waiting, I'm sick of waiting (I can't even BEGIN to know how you feel) I want you to have your kid NOW. I will keep reading and just know we are all waiting with you.

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  16. Why yes, I was curious. :) I'm so glad you are where you are mentally. Everyone arrives where they need to be at their own pace but I always hope it's quick - I guess 'cause time's a ticken and life's happening.

    I think you're going to find that baby a lot sooner than you may expect. And I've never counted you out for a genetic baby. No, not even now. Not even after multiple IVF's. And I'm not one of these people who thinks you need not to stress about it or "just relax." Puleeze! I agree there is an issue, OF COURSE! But I also know that despite your shitty egg quality overall, you can wake up at age 40 with one terrific egg being released that month and with any good timing, surprise! That's just called life. Would I hold my breath for it? Hell no. Would I bank on it? Nope again. But I wouldn't be floored by it (unless your tubes are shot - then....).

    You could still wind up with one adopted, one genetic - from a plan not your own.

    But who cares, really? You're going to be mom soon enough.

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  17. I love your posts. I am so hopeful for you, too.

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  18. Hey there....I'm a newbie to your blog. I've been reading (thanks to Cassie's recommendation to check it out), but haven't posted. This one hit home....not the Curious George part, but the post in general. That is exactly how I feel. DH and I have so much to give, both things we've been saving and love in our hearts. We are still fighting the battle with treatments and are seriously considering adoption, too.

    I just wanted to thank you for so eloquently sharing your thoughts, your experiences, and your wisdom. It's therapeutic to read your posts.

    I've got your blog in my favorites now. I'm looking forward to reading about your adoption journey! You'll make a great Mom someday, no doubt!!!

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  19. That's exciting that you got your CG stuff out :) For me, it was Baby Snoopy that I don't even think is made anymore. Slowly, I started giving some things away, but I still have the little bank. (Guess I should have been dropping in some major coins all long to pay for some of this IF stuff!)

    Here's to dreaming...I hope your baby dreams come true very soon.

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  20. Your last line got me sniffly. I can't wait for the day to be called Mom, too...and I can't wait for that for you.

    I know the kick-in-the-gut of a chemical pregnancy. My 1st and only pregnancy. I cried genuine happy tears seeing the digital display read "Pregnant"...spent one night dreaming...and had it all ripped away 2 days later. I'm sorry this happened to you, too. Initially, I viewed it as a we CAN get pg, but as days/months and now 2nd IVF starts to pass...I don't know if I can hold on to that.

    Monkeys have a special place in my heart. Loved reading about your soon-will-be nursery and picturing it all come together.

    Hoping these months and months fly by for you!

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  22. I just read your post on prayer.

    I am so sorry your 16 year old friend died.

    Your fertility is not dictated by how much you: pray, read your Bible, serve, etc. God is NOT punishing you for not having enough faith. His heart breaks with yours. He is catching every tear that slips down your face.

    If my prayer volume and/quality dictated my fertility, then God would not be God. Saying you were faithful enough implies that you somehow controlled God and controlled your outcome, as if you're the puppetmaster pulling all the strings - we don't have that control.

    I wish I could reach out and hug you through your blog.

    I'm so sorry you are even facing this struggle.

    You are so valuable.

    Big hugs,
    Polly

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  23. Like polly, I just read your other post - google reader was too quick for your delete button, my friend!!

    I absolutely, 100% relate to what you said. In fact, a few weeks ago I linked to a post (by anothe radoptive parent) who wrote something similar. The 'oh, God answered my prayers' comments do feel like a kick in the teeth because it always feels like a subtext of 'but not YOUR prayers' which pretty much just sucks. All I can say is - psalm 73. And the last 5 verses of Habbakkuk. And lots of bits of Job. Those parts of the bible tell me that God gets it. He knows how irrational our circumstances sometimes look, especially in the light of our faith. He understands.

    And, not for nothin', so do some of us. Sending you a huge hug.

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  24. What beautiful lyrics. I'll have to go listen for myself. I keep thinking back to your race analogy. There's still more running to do, but its the last leg and there's someone waiting for you on the other end.

    Oh I cannot wait to continue on this journey with you and learn from you and cheer you on. I may have lost myself, but sometimes reading about what's in your heart, helps me focus. Thank you for that, always.

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  25. This is such a great post -- can definitely recall similar feelings myself.

    Now I may sound like an ass saying this (and I may have decked someone for telling me this long ago), BUT... I belonged to two Resolve support groups over the course of our IF journey. And something that's really cool is that of the dozen or so friends I made from these groups, EVERY single one of them at this point either has a child now, or is seriously on their way to having one at home soon. Most of these women faced some pretty serious obstacles/repeat failed attempts and losses, etc.

    I find that hugely comforting -- though of course, it's just another one of "those" anectdotes that may mean nothing.

    Your Curious George theme is extremely cool, by the way!

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  26. Very nice post. Gaudium IVF centre in Nigeria is a hope for infertile people Nigeria.

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