Saturday, July 3, 2010

Sneaky Google Reader and an Award

OK so how lame am I that I do not have/use Google reader? Seriously...I know.

Which is why I didn't know that Google reader caches posts, even if they don't end up being published--or are published and then taken down. Which is what happened to a post I wrote titled "Prayer." Some of you saw it--pretty sneaky sis.

The gist of it was that all too often lately I have seen/heard people proclaim that good things happened to them (IUIs were successful, health was restored, surgeries were successful) because "prayers were answered!" And it hurt my feelings. I do not think God is a baby (or anything else) vending machine--you ask enough or put in enough coins you will get what you ask for. I don't claim to really know any answers on a spiritual religious front--someone who does makes me wary indeed. But I don't think it works that way, and so hearing someone proclaim that it does got under my skin, and thus the post. That's all I'll say about that I guess.

Last night I dreamed I stumbled upon some psuedo-high school reunion and went up to every.single.person and learned they all had biological kids. And I started sobbing and then one of them said "But we had infertility, we understand." To which I snapped: "But you have two kids! You are NOT the same as me, so don't say you are!" (by the way in the dream her 'infertility' meant she had been told she had a 15% lower chance of natural conception, whatever that heck that means). There's much more to this dream but it doesn't take a PhD to see I still have 'feelings' related to my infertility. And it is true...every.single.person I was friends with in high school has biological kids. The 'one in six' rule did not apply to my circle, not amongst old friends, not amongst new friends--which is why it has felt so damned lonely and isolating so much of the time.

OK so now on to the award.For this award, here’s what to do:

1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

Thanks to Mel, at Broken Eggs, Broken Dreams for the award!

Seven things you might not know--well, some of you have been 'knowing' me for a damn long time (from old blog to this one) so this might be hard, and forgive me if you already know these things...

1) I love mid-century modern style. It's the way we've decorated our anything 60s and mod we heart.

2) I wrote my first master's thesis on cord blood banking. It was 1995 (see how old I am?) and that was a relatively new procedure. Isn't it ironic that I won't be able to take advantage of something I do think has value (at the very least we should be banking cord blood in public banks) and spent many months researching in the tombs of medical school libraries (pre-easy internet research--remember when we had to look up journal articles in little green books that indexed them by subject??).

3) I grew up playing the piano. I took lessons for years. I was decent enough, but never played recitals after one where I completely blanked and sat on the bench, hunched over, sobbing until someone came and literally picked me up and carried me off the stage. Today if I sit down at a piano all I can do is crank a few bars of "In the Mood" and then I forget everything.

4) I took the Mister to my high school prom. He was in graduate school (yikes--that sounds so bad doesn't it??). He actually built some of the decorations, since I was on the decorations committee. I wore a prom dress that cost almost half as much as my wedding dress and to this day I cannot understand why my parents allowed us to spend that much. Totally not like them.

5) I let my car run out of gas one time in my life. It was my first car (A Jeep Wrangler Laredo hardtop at age 16--so I guess I was definitely spoiled--see #4). Luckily it ran out of gas at the end of my street. My Dad pushed it back to our house and then said two things: 1) That was an excellent work out! and 2) Only an idiot lets their car run out of gas. Two statements that definitely shaped my future.

6) One time my friend and I were driving back from a baby shower that was three hours away. She let her car run out of gas, despite it beeping and flashing at her (I will claim innocence that I didn't know what those sounds were on her car). We were gabbing away and then all of sudden her car just stopped on the highway. We had to trek a ways to find someone to charge us $10 for one gallon of gas. He said he gets 'at least one idiot per day' running out of gas on the highway so he always has his one gallon ready for sale.

7) I really aim to never, ever eat meat again. For the rest of my life. It's been 2+ years now and I can honestly say I do not miss it. I do consume soy products designed to taste like meat so it's not the taste, it's the idea of eating animal flesh. Are you grossed out now?

Oh sheesh, here's where I fall apart on awards. I'm usually so late to doing them that the award has been passed around to most of my bloggie peeps so I'm just going to chicken out and say if you feel like doing it--consider yourself awarded!


  1. I NEED to see some prom pictures!

  2. Just read a few of your latest blogs and yours is one of the most that I enjoy reading. I too, am so annoyed with those that say things were meant to be (b.s.)and that prayers have something to do with it. I am a firm believer that if you want something bad enough, you have to keep trying. And, when things don't work, you have to find alternatives. And by the way, so many ignorant things have been said to me that the look is all I need to give. I am a former teacher.

    For me, this has been a long journey and every step of the way I have learned something. I have been hit with so many things that "almost never happen to anyone" that it is kind of like a sick joke. I do not write a blog, but I do have a journal of over fifty pages that has come quite in handy.

    I thank "One Egg Please" for introducing me to her blog, and thus to others. I hope that I will be able to help others too.


  3. Yep, I've been busted by google reader a few times myself.

    For years (I mean BEFORE infertility) I've always bristled at people when they attribute good happening to prayer. I hate it because it implies that the people who didn't survive cancer, recover from a heart attack, get pregnant from IVF, etc, didn't pray hard enough. It implies that God rewards those who pray "hard enough" and punishes those who apparently don't.

    Love your list! I have to say, you must have a really special DH because I can't imagine my dad letting either of his teenage girls out of the house with someone in their 20s! LOL!

  4. I believe in God. I am not sure why He allows things to happen as they do, but I cannot attribute good things to Him, without attributing the bad things as well. For instance - my daughter died just 12 days from her due date 2 years ago, with NO apparent cause. In addition, we lost her when I turned 40 after 3 years of infertility and IVF treatments. I knew she would be my only genetic child and I still grieve her today, as hard as I did the day I learned of her death. Privately, I pray that she is with God and that we will be reunited one day. But I am angry at Him for allowing it to happen. I still believe in Him, but I definitely give him credit for the good things in life AND the horriffic. Now I am pregnant with twins via donor egg. All that said, I still bristle when people say stupid shit to me like "God is making it up to you", "God has blessed you doubly this time". There are more inane comments, but I can't remember them right now. I blame God for taking her away from us. I blame God for her death. I prayed EVERY NIGHT for her to arrive safely, and she died of unknown causes.
    Anyway - I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not how much you pray. I think there is no religious explanation for IF. Life just is what it is and people trying to explain the good things away to God, but not attributing the bad things to Him also, really gets me worked up.

  5. I saw that post title and was wondering what was up. Good to know that Google Reader can be sneaky like that.

    I'm sorry about the dreams. I hope that soon they'll be replaced by dreams of the baby you're awaiting.

    And, I'm with R on wanting to see the prom pics! :-)

  6. Um, so I feel kinda icky like maybe my last post might have contributed? I'm not totally vain enough to think that it was the "sole" cause, but I did refer to praying for a friend...
    Oddly/ironically enough, I am working on a post about faith and prayer again... (sneaky google reader hasn't caught on yet... ;) )
    At any rate, I also would love to see prom pictures! I don't think I've ever run completely out of gas but had a friend once proclaim to me "I thought it was a magic gas tank because it had been on empty for 3 days and was still going!" WHILE we were pushing her car... (?!) Crazy!

  7. I second everything that Kara's mom said!

    I struggle with understanding how prayer works exactly as well. but as a Christian, I don't believe that prayer is useless. how could I read the bible and think that there is nothing to be received from prayer? i think the misconception is when we look at it from our eyes and see God's sole purpose as giving us what we want. what's His divine role in that? What do we learn from that? but in the Lord's prayer we say "THY will be done". I feel like the main purpose of prayer is to help align our wills with God's, not the other way around, which in turn gives us graces to get through the days. Sure we can pray "Please let this happen, if its your will" but ultimately, its not on our terms and if its not in God's plan, it won't happen.

    I completely disagree with the other posters that its all about chance, some people get lucky and get a baby while others don't. i do believe there is a divine plan and i do believe in an all powerful God.

    i wonder if when you finally receive your child into your arms, if you'll look at her and think, "this was just a random chance. you might as well been any other kid out there"? I'd like to think that when I meet my child, I'll think "so THIS is why I had to wait so long. THIS is the child I was meant to parent." God does have a plan for your family. and mine.

  8. Um, what's a google reader?

  9. I saw the post in Google Reader too and tried to comment, but then I saw that you must have deleted it. I have done similar things myself through previous blogs.

    I also get annoyed by people who bring God into all of this as if being more pious and holy will qualify them for a pregnancy/baby. It just doesn't work that way. But I do agree with alison who states that God has a plan for you and your family.

    I admire your vegetarianism, BTW!

  10. I am posting again so that people can understand. If this blogger says that those comments get under her skin, why are there people still feeling the need to reiterate the same stuff that gets her annoyed? That gets me annoyed too.

    I think when we go though this entire process, it is important that we support one another and offer as much positive feedback and relevant experiences as we can. If you are doing everything you can to achieve your goal, then you have a good plan.


  11. sorry, i don't know if you're refering to me but i realize that my last comment was confusing. i'm agreeing that you can't earn a baby through prayer just like you can't earn heaven through prayer. blaming only good things on God seems almost flippant! so then what does prayer do? i think it makes you more in tune to find/accept your path, maybe that's the work of the holy spirit. (and i guess i feel comfortable saying this because the author has mentioned her christian church before).
    anyway, yeah, i totally agree with this post and the previous post where you talked about if not having kids means your cursed. i found john 9:1-4 helpful with that.

  12. Even though I'm a non believer it still upsets me when people say "my prayers were answered" because I wonder what that means about others...did they not pray enough? It just makes me feel bad because it just seems hurtful.

  13. I saw that post in my Google Reader and I tried to comment but it was already gone from your blog. I agree with everything you said. Granted, I'm atheist. But STILL. I don't understand how it is that people can credit God for the good things but not blame him/her/it for the craptastic things. Or they sugarcoat the craptastic things with "God works in mysterious ways". Yeah, little girls being raped and murdered, that's pretty fucking mysterious to me! Grrrrr

  14. I did see the post in my Google reader and didn't know it was not a published post until I clicked through to comment. Sorry to be one of the sneaky sistas, if accidentally.

    It really resonated with me and I wanted to continue the dialogue...but then I realized if you hadn't published it, then you hadn't published it for a reason. (Duh.)

    I sometimes want to post about my own thoughts on prayer on my blog and usually stop short...something holds me back about wanting to "go there". I don't know if it's that I don't want to offend others who have different beliefs inadvertently.

    On a separate note, I hope you get the opportunity to meet other couples who are adopting and/or have adopted. For me, seeking out other women with IF was a godsend in my life. Even when I am starting to be one of the ones in the minority that repeated IVF doesn't seem to be working for, I still treasure the support from the others it has worked for. I hope there will be new friends in your future who understand the joys of adoption by having experienced it themselves. XO