As you all know, when you're TTC your entire life is divided into two week segments. Two weeks waiting to ovulate, two weeks waiting to see if whatever you did worked--be it treatment or plain old fashioned s-e-x.
It sucks.
I remember my sister telling me about this strange new way to count time when we first started trying--of course she endured that for all of three months with each of her pregnancies.
The other day I knew I was ovulating. It's pretty obvious. And I had an 'interest' in the mister (trying to stay polite here). 'Cuz that's biology for you--must keep on the path to procreate--the species must survive!
But no, no, and no.
I told him "Gee I'd really like to have sex with you but no. I'm ovulating and no matter what I refuse to live my life in two week segments anymore. Despite our stopping of treatment, despite our moving on to other options, I know me. My stupid little feeble brain will start playing the 'what if' game, and I don't want to live the next two weeks with that thought rattling around in the background, and then wind up disappointed even though I know our chances of natural conception are somewhere on the order of 0.000001%."
Enough said?
I'm not ready for a hysterectomy yet, but really? IF is still has the power to muck up my s-e-x life.
And why, then, am I surprised when I overhear a pregnant coworker making an announcement which was then followed by four women around the lunch table comparing pregnancy stories, comparing how fertile they were (apparently one merely had to wash her underwear with her husband's and BOOM, pregnant!), and talking about their cravings and what it meant for their now school-age children and their food preferences--why am I surprised that I felt tears well up in my eyes for a brief minute?
I just sat there and stared into my salad. I think I cut my lettuce somewhat angrily.
When the topic turned to how fertile their own mothers were--the implication being that it is somewhat genetic--I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "My mother was incredibly fertile, as was my sister, and I am 100% barren."
But I kept it inside. I didn't want to spoil my coworker's happy moment.
But I realized--when you adopt you don't get those bonding moments. It's rare I meet anyone who is adopting or has adopted. OK--less than rare. I don't know anyone in real life. It just isn't a shared experience for most women.
So I just sat there, cutting my lettuce, willing the conversation to hurry up and END already. And so, so happy I wasn't in the middle of some damned two-week wait.
10 years ago
Damn those fertile conversations!! It's almost as if they are speaking Martian, no? I wish fertiles would talk less and those of us going through hell to create a family, talked more!! We need community more than those "lucky hens" do!!
ReplyDeleteThree cheers for a 2WW free zone! Though I know it still stings a little... and for this, I am sorry.
That must have been a really difficult decision to not have sex during an optimal time. Wow, I don't know if I could be so brave even though I think I have a less than 0.000001% chance of it working naturally. Good for you for taking some control.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are feeling so alone with the adoption thing. It is very similar with DE and I'm sure surrogacy or GCs.
I'm sorry. The decision to move to the next step has been made, and healing has begun, but I think that unfortunately some of the scars will always remain. Hopefully they'll be less painful once you are holding your daughter in your arms.
ReplyDeleteYeah my entire freaking family is ridiculously fertile... except me. *Most* of the IF women I've met have mothers and/or sisters with perfect fertility. It's just a freaking crapshoot. I wish people got that.
ReplyDeleteYep, we do share the same brain lately. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't live 2000 miles apart cuz we could tell the fertiles where to put it, have lunch at a great vegetarian/meat place and talk adoption.
I applaud you for your willpower. I wish I had it.
I really have to wonder if one's heart ever totally lets go. A friend of mine who is in her early fifties went through IVF years ago. She tells me that seeing young families out in public still tugs a bit at her heart. And would you believe she is still ovulating?! Her ob/gyn refuses to talk to her about a hysterectomy just because her parts are working so darn well!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I can't speak to adoption and how that new love might displace some of your longing for a biological child. I really hope it does though.
And good for you for letting your co-workers enjoy their pregnancy conversation. I'm afraid I would have taken my salad elsewhere.
Oh I HATE those girly conversations too! They put me in a bad mood for days...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, I totally relate to what you are saying. We've decided to do DE but my husband was very uncomfortable about it however he's agreed. if this doesn't work out, we're doing adoption.
ReplyDeleteI have a link to a friend of mine who adopted a beautiful little girly from Ethiopia, her name is Ruby. Here is the link to her blog.
http://thegiegengacks.blogspot.com/?spref=fb
She also has 2 boys (naturally pregnant) and Ruby is her daughter through adoption. I love reading her blog.
I hope you can get over this after the baby - for the sake of your sex life and your sanity. You could always tie your tubes if it's really an issue (in a twisted way, I can understand why it's better to eliminate the hope) but I know you're going to be in a much better place after baby. Life won't revolve around those 2 weeks - you may not even keep track (go figure! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, those ornery ovaries! I have fantasies about cutting out all my reproductive organs, but I know I would feel like crap if I did. Luckily, DH is on a business trip while I ovulate this month.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you don't know anyone who has adopted or wants to adopt. It does help knowing people who have adopted. I guess I'm lucky in that I have one guy at my office who did fertility treatments (IUIs), then moved on to adoption (twice). I also have another male colleague who adopted twice. I've met at least half a dozen women who have adopted, some who I met through IF support groups. I wouldn't be surprised if you do know people who have adopted, but they just don't feel the need to talk about it.
Just saw your comment on Phoebe's post. I didn't realize you work right above your IVF clinic. I don't know that I'd be able to handle that. Your strength amazes me!
ReplyDeleteA couple months ago, a fertility center opened in the building where I work. I have to walk by it to get to my company's entrance. I googled it when I first saw the name, and based on what I found online, I thought it was a center that helps *prevent* pregnancy for those who don't want to (for religious or other reasons) use traditional birth control methods. So I was annoyed every time I saw it, thinking people were going there to prevent what I've been trying so hard to achieve.
But it turns out the name is ever-so-slightly different, and it's actually an infertility clinic with an RE who's new to town. So now I'm not so annoyed to walk by it, but what's strange to me about it now is that the door to the place is a 6-inch-wide frame of wood, with the rest of it clear glass. And there are floor-to-ceiling (totally uncovered) windows on either side of the door. So you can see right into the waiting room like a fishbowl! And the bathrooms for the building are literally on either side of the clinic, so there's constant traffic back and forth from employees in my company.
So I won't be using them for monitoring for the next cycle, even though it would be super convenient. ("Pardon me while I dash down the hall to have my ovaries checked - please just ignore me if you see me coming out of there on your way to/from the bathroom...")
I think this is the smartest decision you could possibly make. Interestingly, or maybe not!, over here couples who adopt need to agree to use contraception while they are waiting to be matched, no matter how infertile they are. I used to think that was draconian, now.... I can really see the wisdom in it. Making a decision that this is a time when you definitely WON'T get pregnant really does focus the mind on the baby that is to come. Adoption can seem so much like 'failure' to the IF world - and this makes your baby the success baby, not the failure baby. It makes that baby the focus of what you're looking forward to, rather than the 'plan B' baby! I hope that makes some kind of sense.
ReplyDelete(And eliminating the 2WW - really, really good).
As for the not knowing anybody in real life thing.... UGH. I agree. Awful. The worst. The pits. I still don't (not anybody who is close geographically, anyway) and I still really hate that.
First, I totally get your "abstinence". That damn hope seems to creep up even when you really don't want it and it's not even deserved.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to be around those conversations. I think they are so isolating and unnerving. Now that I'm on "the other side", I find myself being included in them but it seems really weird...I kinda feel like I still don't fit in (but NOT complaining). Anyway, I hope you do run into someone IRL that's adopting soon because I'm sure there would be so much to talk about and you would find some comfort in that..
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I do think maybe you might want to consider seeking out a group of adoptive parents so you can have some in your circle of friends? Like with IVF friends, fertility friends, etc. often once you start expanding your circles to people interested or engaged in the topics, you will find more and more people with those things in common. And as nice as it is to have online friends with similar interests, there is no substitution for the IRL (in real life) friendships you will forge over those things in common.
ReplyDeleteI am an adoptee, and growing up, there were several friends in my parents circle who were also adopted. I think it was helpful for my parents as well as for us as kids to not feel alone or weird - because we weren't the only ones.
Wishing you well and hoping your adoptive child comes to you quickly.
Well, one day you WILL be able to join in a conversation like that, just with a different version. You can talk about the first time you laid eyes on your child, and things like. Just put it out there and talk about it!
ReplyDeleteWow. Talk about self control. You are the better person for not saying anything caustic or sarcastic and letting your co-worker enjoy her moment. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't your co-workers know about your IF and how many times you've tried? Sounds like they were being a little insensitive if you ask me but that is IF for you isn't it? I'm sorry you had to hear all of that during your lunch hour.
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago, my best friend asked if I would go on birth control at some point once our 4.5-year TTC was journey was over (and possibly unsuccessful). Even tho I'd heard this topic discussed in the IF community before, I bristled a bit at the question. It's a hard place to be, and I can totally understand your wanting to not have life revolve around the 2WW thoughts right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd ugh for co-worker lunchtime chatter that leads to heart zingers. Sorry you had to experience that. I, too, know that feeling.