Thanks for all the comforting words from my last post. I am trying to process, continually. I am now investing nearly as much time as I do on infertility thoughts on researching and reading about ways to help my Dad. It's an exhausting job. I just never thought that the only diapers I would change would be my father's. It's a mad, mad world.
And for the record, I hope I didn't sound like I was saying I had it worse than anyone else. I do look around me and from my vantage point is sure seems like a lot of folks have it easier than me, but then again, you never know what others might be dealing with, so who really knows. And accepting that life is just unfair--yes, I know this intellectually. I think we all do. But for me, it doesn't really take away the sting.
So now I'm sitting here just wondering when?
When will a pregnancy announcement not take me to my knees? I returned home from a fairly good day (although how is it that I forgot that fertiles would be a Mr. LC's show this morning? ha ha, I'm kidding here) and had an email from an old high school friend. The one who, three years ago emailed me to ask me to tell her "everything I knew" about fertility because she just knew she'd have trouble. Yeah, well, her 'trouble' amounted to an uneventful pregnancy three months after trying. So we don't talk often, and she just wrote to check in and casually slipped in that baby girl number two is due in March.
So when does that not hurt? When does it not set me back two or three (or one thousand) paces in this process of healing and trying to move forward? When? WHEN WHEN WHEN?? Why does it bother me that of every.single.friend I had in high school I am the only one with any fertility issues at all? I don't know why that bugs me so much but it does. Misery loves company I guess. If I hadn't found the blogosphere and online support groups I would have never known another soul with infertility. I would have been more alienated than I already feel.
When will a casual email about an upcoming baby shower for the 'oops baby' of a member of our Sunday School class NOT make my heart hurt?
It's not that I didn't know about this pregnancy. I've been watching that belly get bigger and bigger every single week.
But see, I was supposed to be the one to get the next shower. Who didn't get the damned memo?
When will that not hurt?
When will having a job, a husband with a good job, nice friends, a nice home, meaningful volunteer work--when will that be enough?
When will I not have a gaping hole in my heart?
It's a rhetorical question, by the way. I don't want to hear someone tell me that when I open my heart to other ideas all this pain will go away because frankly, I am not so sure I believe that anymore.
Oh well, what are you gonna do?
3 years ago