Friday, January 1, 2010


2009 was supposed to be different.

2008 was supposed to be different.

2007 was supposed to be different.

You get the drift.

Mr. LC came with me to be with my Dad because he is, hands down, the best mate I could want right now. On the drive over, on New Year's Eve, naturally there was some reflection.

We remember thinking 2005 and 2006 sucked as we watched everyone we know conceive effortlessly, as I hosted shower after shower and all that jazz. We didn't even know--a couple of surgeries, some IUIs--child's play.

2007 sucked hard core...three failed IVFs. Shattered hopes and pain we didn't know existed.

2008--I was so ready to kick that year to the curb. My Dad nearly died in a horrific auto accident that left him with a broken neck. We failed at CC.R.M. for the first time. We sat at the end of 2008 mouths agape going "Huh? What the heck just happened here?"

We embarked on 2009 without any major plans. The idea for IVF #5 came around somewhere in the spring...and then...June 10th. My Dad's massive, massive stroke. Being told he would not survive. Struggling through IVF #5 on the 'down low', getting our hopes up...blah blah blah you know the rest.

Every year we hope that the next cannot be anything but better. And yet every year it has gotten worse.

Are we there yet? Have we hit rock bottom?

Last night when we got here I was sure we had. My Dad was suffering from massive tardive dyskinesia--a rare side effect of a drug they put him on two weeks ago. He was having massive involuntary muscle spasms, twitches, contractions, and movement in his arms, neck, legs, and face. He could not rest. Medication could not relieve it. He was miserable. Imagine Tourette's continually, or Parkinsonian movements that never abate.

I shook my fist at the universe and wailed "How could he be asked to suffer any more?" The doctor said it could be permanent.

Today there was some improvement. We are all holding our breath.

I spent the first day of 2010 with a twelve hour vigil by my Dad's bedside. There was no black eyed peas and greens for good luck, no brunch with friends...nothing. Nothing but the dankness of a nursing home with its eternal sadness.

You do not have to say anything. If I were reading this blog I'd have given up by now, it's too damn depressing.

Driving home in the dark, my back aching from moving and lifting and holding my Dad, I turned up Bob Marley to full volume.

Don't worry. About a thing. 'Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.

I'm counting on it Bob.


  1. I can't stop reading because I have eternal hope. When I'm at my worst I often turn to Bob and anyone else who will tell it will all be okay.

    You are going to be okay. I don't know what will happen this year or next but I do know that no matter what happens YOU WILL BE OKAY. You will live. It may not be the life you wanted or envisoned but you will be okay.

    I'm talking to both you & I at this point so don't take offense. I haven't been where you have and I don't know all of your pain but in my heart I know the sun will rise again for you.

  2. It has to get better. It HAS TO. Listen up, UNIVERSE (yeah, I'm talking to YOU), quit this shit already! This is a new year. 2010 better be big to make up for the last few years, 'kay? Okay.

    We're with you all the way, come what may. I cannot stop thinking about your dad. When I lie down to sleep I just think of how AWFUL it must be, but am so relieved to hear he is getting a little better. Thought of you all constantly today. I just wish there was something I could DO. Prayers, hugs, and a shoulder to cry on.

  3. so sorry about your dad! i do hope that it's not permanent and that you are able to find competent help for him. you all deserve an enormous break from it all!!!

  4. I hear ya, every single word.

    In response to your most recent comment on my last post, I had a feeling this blog was your alter ego, but I decided not to ask because I figured you had a reason for it. I'm sorry I didn't realize it while you were going through IVF #5 and its outcome, though.

    And, I'm also sorry to hear that your dad is also going through such a rough time right now. I hope he continues to improve. I know how hard it is to be facing that kind of situation when the rest of the world around you is celebrating the holidays.

    Your blog is not too depressing, it's real - and we're all here for you.

    Here's hoping that a year from today, both of us can look back and say "That's the year we've been waiting for!"

  5. Reality isn't all sunshine and rainbows...I just wish there were a few more in your life these days. I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now. What your dad is going through sounds so miserable and I hope they are able to give him some relief soon.

    There is so much I wish I could "do", but all I have is this stupid keyboard. Sending you hugs across the miles and still sitting right next to you...

  6. I relate very much to this post eventhough I haven't been through a fraction of what you have been through. I often fear that constant sadness and anger are my new status quo and it is never, ever going to get better.

    My mom recently told me that she believes I will have a baby soon because God would not be so cruel as to deny me that. I told her about you, and I asked her why God would take mercy on me and not you. I can no longer believe in a benevolent or just higher power because the turth is that some people get more than their fair share of hardship. And, it is not OK.

  7. You are both very much in my thoughts although I have been absent from the blog world. I hope 2010 brings whatever form that is. Many, many hugs.

  8. I hope your dad continues to improve. No doubt about it - you have been through hell. ((HUGS))

    I really, really hope that 2010 is different. and better.

  9. I won't give up on you. I wish I could tell you this was rock bottom. I wish I could tell you that 2010 will be your best year ever. While I can't do those thing, please know that I'm right here walking the path with you. I know how alone it must feel, but we are all here to pick you up when things are bad. We won't go anywhere.

    I think of you and your family all the time. Take care.

  10. Honey, when you describe the situation with your dad, I can honestly say I understand 100%. It is so awful to watch a parent go through this and to not know how it will pan out. You feel so helpless. I felt bitter and angry and experienced so many terrible emotions. More than anything, I truly hope the situation with your dad improves DRASTICALLY! Because that looming on your mind is like a dark blanket over everything else. I want you and your husband to be able to plan out your future family with your dad's situation nicely stable and happy.

  11. I agree with Not Your Aunt B on this...Listen up Universe, you MUST be good to Mr. and Mrs. LC this year... you HAVE TO BE. It has to change, something has to give. I feel so terrible about your dad. Oh goodness, 2010 has got to bring some brightness. Thinking of you always!!!

  12. (((Hugs))) - I so hope things move upwards for you guys this year. Thinking of your dad, your family and you. Take care of yourself.

  13. Last night, as I was dumping the compost in the dark outside in the snow, I cried to the universe, "why do you have to be so cruel?" I don't even have it half as bad as you do.

    I like that Bob Marley song. The other one I like is "Here Comes the Sun" by George Harrison. It's your fault that when I feel bad I play the "Slumdog Millionaire" credits just to watch the dance scene and cheer myself up :)

    The only thing you can count on is change. All we can count on is that whatever is happening now will be different, good, bad, or whatever. Sometimes, I find comfort in that, that I won't be in this hell forever. I'm glad you could be there for your dad, though I hear that you need some time for yourself, to heal, from all of this.

    BTW, if you need a diversion, go see "Avatar" in 3D. (((Hugs)))

  14. I'm still walking along beside you, trying to offer some sort of comfort but not knowing what else to say except that I'm sorry and that I am crying along with you. I don't understand why it is that some of us are asked to bear so much pain and live with so much suffering when they are such inherently good people...makes no sense. I guess that is why I have such confusion regarding God and religion because I don't know where the strength comes from to bear all of this. How you could even be asked to bear all of this at the same time. Universe - can you cut Mr. & Mrs. LC a break? and make it a big one while you're at it.

  15. I'm still here. I'm going to keep hanging around because I think your story is going to HAVE to get better and I want to be around to hear about it. I hope 2010 is your year.

  16. I don't know much. But I know it will get better. I don't know when. And I don't know how. But I know it will. You just put your head down and your shoulder into it and keep pushing on, tears and sweat mixed together and rolling down your face, you just keep doing it.