Saturday, January 9, 2010

When you feel your heart is breaking...hold on tight to your dream.

First up: thanks for delurking and also just saying hi. It's a strange world, this online community. Not that YOU'RE strange, but I feel strange sometimes thinking about just how much comfort I have received from folks I don't even know. But yet you know so much about me, and you see a lot of my worst parts, and you still read. And support. So thanks.

Which means you get some type of payback, right? Ok, don't get too excited. It's not that great of a video.

Some things to point out:
Does anyone look good in those stupid surgical hats they make us wear? Sheesh.

When I watch those early clips, boy do I think we look stupid and naive. Oh yeah: we were stupid and naive.

Mr. LC loves to take footage of me coming out of the anesthesia, where usually I'm crying or still high, or both. So yeah, that's is in there a few times. Thanks Mr. LC! You rock.

There is only one BFN-receiving phone call recorded (IVF #2). And that one, we really really thought we had succeeded (no HPTs taken beforehand to clue us in). I mean--we had our camera rolling for God's sake! We edited out the part where the ugly crying really started.

When I'm being wheeled out in the wheelchair...that's the building I work in. As in: I go in THAT BUILDING of my first three IVFs every day I am at work, usually riding up in the elevator with the embryologists or retrieval/transfer nurses. Sheesh again.

My fellow CC.R.M. peeps--that dildo cam shot is for you! Just seeing it makes me shudder.

The music: I've been planning on using the ELO song forever, of course planning it for our BFP video. The words are simply too appropriate--we've been holding on tight to our dream for nearly five years. And you know what? We're still holding on tight.

At any rate, enjoy it.


36 comments:

  1. First, let me say that you guys are completely adorable. Thanks for sharing that video and letting us in even more - I teared up seeing you and teared up in disbelief that it has not worked for you - I am so, so sorry.

    I am pulling for you, always.

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  2. That video is so funny and sad at the same time... Thank you for sharing it.

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  3. Ok, I have never seen an IVF video before. My heart just shattered for you guys. I just didn't... know...though I knew in my head and obviously I read the blog. The BFN call kills me. The look on your faces... And the shots, and the clinic(s), and the crotch whisperer, and the dildo cam... Seeing it, seeing YOU go through it, I'm just a mess of tears. I'm so sorry I didn't really GET it, get it. I hate that you had to go through any of it.

    Keep holding on tight to your dreams.

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  4. Awww...what a cute couple! Thanks for sharing something so personal. As I was watching it I wished so much that I could change the ending for you.

    Oh and I got an eletric throw. LOVE IT! And so do the cats. I'll be fighting them for it tonight. It's already down to 40.

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  5. The video added a dimension of depth and emotion that I had not previously felt about your journey (and you do a dang good job of painting a picture with your words!).

    You are both too cute, and I love that this video feels upbeat and real, but I also get a feeling it's not finished yet....

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  6. *hugs*

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I'll bet you two have enough footage to put together a little documentary (and win some contests? cash prizes?).

    I started crying during the scene with you all nestled in with your good luck charms (but I managed a laugh when you caressed my cheerleader bod). God damn you, IF.

    All my love, Mr. and Mrs. LC.

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  7. It's nauseating the stuff we put ourselves through. We don't have any video of that part, probably because if I watched it, I might shatter, even though we eventually succeeded.

    I laughed and cried. It's unbelievable.

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  8. I have tears streaming down my face right now. Story of my life too, except you guys are way too cute, and your video is adorable, even for being so sad.

    Nothing else to say - just many hugs being sent your way.

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  9. Thanks for sharing that; it's an awesome video, even if the content is less than awesome. You guys have obviously been through a hell of a lot. And you do make a very cute couple!

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  10. Man, watching that makes me wish that you guys were MY parents.

    You are so brave to share something so personal and gut wrenching and I applaud you whole heartedly for that.

    Please do hold on tight to your dream.

    Jen

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  11. Seriously, that was fantastic. Not only did it make me love this blog even more, but I am also that much more thankful for your honesty. That was beautiful. Thank you.

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  12. You guys are amazing. I wish there was a different ending.

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  13. I'm not sure what to say. It made me smile, it made me sad. You both seem so great, Mr. LC does seem like he'd be a great dad, you go through so much, and it just seems so unfair you have ended up here, after all that, with a BFN. It sucks, it is unfair. I always think "why can crack whores get pregnant, when so many deserving couples cannot?" I hope you both do hold on to your dream, because clearly you will make great parents.

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  14. You two could not be a cuter couple. I smiled and cried watching this. I so wish this had all turned out differently....and yet, I feel like Silly Hille...it feels like it's not done...

    Hugs and much love to you & Mr LC. Thanks for being so honest. You two truly rock.

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  15. I love it...and I also hate it. I love it because you guys are so cute and fun and wonderful...but I hate it because of the pain it took to create it. Thank you so much for sharing..you did an amazing job.

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  16. I'm not at a place where I can watch your video yet. Maybe in another month or so. I'm barely reading blogs, but I still read yours. As for the title of your post, I'm just at the heartbroken part. The dream is really more like a nightmare at this point. I'm doing whatever I can to distract myself from it all, but the pain is right there just underneath the surface. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

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  17. You both are so adorable. I was very emotional and brought back my memories of how naive I was at the begining of my TTC. I hope and pray you get to update the video with a happy ending.

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  18. Thank you for sharing something so personal and heartbreaking with us. It all felt so familiar and hit really close to home. I'm not sure how you all put this video together! The best we have are some pictures on hubby's iphone from every cycle. They have never been taken off the phone... and I don't have any interest in seeing them again anyway. You are one tough cookie, girl, and I love your spirit.

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  19. I have tears in my eyes. That is all so familiar to me...and the hope, despair, hope, dispair, confusion and pain thing just kills me. You two are adorable and will make great parents- but you already know that - that's why this sucks so much. You are both very talented. I so want things to change for you both. Hugs.

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  20. That was such a great video and at the same time I wanted to cry for you. How totally fucked up this is, eh?

    You have a way to travel in your mind with your husband and somewhere to be - but I believe you will get there mentally and emotionally. And one day this video will be edited to contain the final segment when you're holding a little one in your arms. Maybe the DNA won't match yours or maybe not even yours or your husbands - but there will be the biggest kick ass smile on your face and love in your heart and the luckiest baby ever mugging for the camera. Yeap!

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  21. Talk about bittersweet :( I'm glad to see you have a healthy sense of humor though, and I appreciate you sharing the video with all of us out here who are also wondering what to do when all things high-tech just don't work. I am supposed to start stims for our 4th and final IVF this Friday but am getting cold feet - I'm pretty sure a lot of folks don't understand the enormous pressure of IF. For instance, a friend recently asked me if we have a back up plan... I thought resorting to IVF was the back up plan!!!

    I wish you peace and hope you have a happy ending despite how life is treating you right now. Hang in there, and thank you both again for being so transparent.
    Libby

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  22. I miss seeing your faces. I wish this video had a better ending. I hope your camera keeps rolling and the song keeps playing. I'm glad I got to see the teddy bear in your lap. Love you!

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  23. My DH heard the music and asked me what I was watching/listening to and I burst into tears trying to tell him about the video. We both watched it and I cried my eyes out for you both. All the emotions that flitted across the screen in those 3 minutes we have experienced first hand ourselves and at the end of it all, I ask the same question that I always ask...why? There is no rhyme or reason and when the question came up regarding who would want Mr. LC to be their Daddy, my question in response was "Who *wouldn't* want both of you as parents?". This is so senseless and I don't have any answers for you. It's just unfair.

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  24. Hello there. I haven't been "lurking", but I just found your blog for the first time. I'm so sorry for all you've been through with IF and your father. Your video is really special. Thanks so much for sharing it. It makes me wonder what our video might look like. You are so brave and strong for staying at it. I read one of your earlier posts and know what you mean about going into each year thinking the last one sucked and this one has to be better. Life has been so unfair to some of us.

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  25. You guys are so adorable and funny. You would make fantastic parents, hang onto that dream and don't let go. Your video had me laughing and crying at the same time. We too have tons of video footage for our video, but have never taken the time to actually make it. Some day we will. Always thinking of you...

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  26. Thanks for sharing this. It's nice that you were able to put an upbeat spin on your journey. I'm sure living through it hasn't been nearly as much fun.

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  27. I just had to come back because I can't stop thinking about your video and how *wrong* the ending is. That is not the right ending for your video. It just isn't. Maybe it's the ending that you have right now, but one day, you will have a different ending. Some how, some way, it will be rewritten.

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  28. the video is bittersweet. ditto kayjay's comment.. one day you will have a different, happier ending. i just wish it would be soon. thinking often of you - and your dad. hugs and prayers, sofia-ds

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  29. You guys are so cute and so talented and I am really glad I didn't watch this when I didn't have time to sit and mope for you.

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  30. I absolutely loved your video and wish that DH and I had documented our journey together like yours. We have a few pics but that is it. Thank you for sharing your video. It even made me tear up. Thanks to Nikki for sharing your blog with me. (((HUGS)))

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  31. This is both beautiful and incredibly sad. (And thirdly funny). I hardly know what to say except that, like everyone else, I really wish the ending was different.

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  32. Thank you. Amazing strength of both you and Mr. LC to share that with us. It was very bittersweet to watch. Plus I had never actually heard that song and I enjoyed its message.

    You guys are incredible (and pretty awesome dancers). :)

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  33. Oh, I have tears streaming down my face. Nikki posted your video on her blog, and I had to click over. Thank you for sharing your story, that I know is not finished yet.

    It's obvious how much you both love life -- it comes across so clearly with your fun-loving personalities.

    I'm glad you're still holding on tight.

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  34. I just stumbled upon this - and so, so, so wish that there was a different ending. It was adorable, and heartbreaking -- and very brave of you to share. Hang onto each other since it's clear you each have a wonderful partner.

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  35. Wow ... thanks for sharing that.

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