Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I cannot think of anything to write.

That is what my fourth grade creative writing teacher used to make us write, over and over in our journals, if we were having writer's block.

I still have those spiral bound journals from my fourth-grade year.

Mine don't have many pages filled with that sentence. Surprised?

But I have written two whole posts and just sent them to 'drafts' because I feel like I am just writing the same stuff over and over again.

I'm so sick of myself.

I said to myself: "Self, today you will write something positive." And then I stared at the cursor, blinking, and was loathe to come up with anything of any substance.

Which is, frankly, pathetic. There are plenty of positives in my life to which I alluded in my last post.

But do I really want to write about how cute my dogs are? Or how exciting it was to paint our garage and install new cabinets this weekend after I returned from my visit with my Dad?

Bleh, none of those are really worth writing about.

Instead, I'll tell you a story.

Nineteen years ago a girl walked into her after school job and started filing. It was 'hippy-soul' day at her high school so she was dressed in crazy velour paisley bell bottoms and a vest with fringe. She had drawn a tiny flower next to her eye. Her hair was short back then. There was a boy--a very skinny boy, with a couple of earrings and crazy hair, and an striped t-shirt that looked like Ernie from Sesame Street, wearing Vans shoes and baggy shorts--he was in the next room, slicing away at boxes with a box cutter. He suddenly looked up from what he was doing and asked to no one in particular "Do swimmers sweat?"

The girl was intrigued by this boy.

A few days later they were working together, and he was making her laugh. Endless laughing will his silly antics and stories.

A few days later they went out on a date...but not really a real date, because he was older and she was younger and, well, you know....

He told his roommate that he was going to marry her, that girl.

The girl went to his see his band play and well, you know what they say about guys with guitars.

Fast forward a year and a half and he proposed with an original song, down on one knee with a little guitar and a million candles spelling "marry me."

She said yes.

It's a love story, you see. And I was thinking earlier about love stories after reading this part of this post:

It's cliché, but it's true, all you need is love. In the robotic and sterile nature of doing IVF, it's easy to forget the emotion motivating this all. You and your partner love each other and want to create a family out of that love. Though this experience could easily tear couples apart, I do think that my husband and I have grown stronger in our love through this craziness. There is nothing that tests a relationship more than surviving an insanely difficult life experience together. I find it incredibly frustrating when there is criticism of fertility treatments claiming selfishness or vanity as a driving factor. The media and general public seem to always forget that infertility stories are in fact love stories.

I love that last line: infertility stories are love stories.

It makes me cry just typing that--but it's a mix of sad tears and happy tears.

He's still that boy and I'm still that girl--we just have a few more candles on our birthday cakes.

And our love story continues.


  1. Beautiful story - I am thinking of you.

  2. Beautiful story and you made me cry again. It is true, that infertility stories are also love stories...it just took someone with that special perspective to shine their light on it in that way. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Love that! You're so poetic. It's so true about infertility stories being love stories...they really are (on so many levels too)! What a great story to be able to tell your kids in the future!

  4. I love that story.

    I agree that the toughest times can make you a better, more loving couple...Mr. P and I had a hellacious few years and we chose to bond instead of bend.

  5. I love your story and I know people must say all the time "atleast you have each other" and while that is true it is OK if you still want more.

    Your story inspired me to write about Teddy and how he is such a great partner in stressful times.

  6. Beautiful post. I agree, IF does make your marriage SO much stronger.

    Dude. I cannot begin to tell you how many "Draft" posts I have started and never posted because it just feels so redundant.

    And yes, it's important to think about the good things in life. Like last night when I called my good friend to congratulate him on his brand new baby girl born Sunday night. I had this overwhelming urge to brag about the dishwasher Brian just installed. Seriously, it's kind of a big deal because we've never had a dishwasher.


  7. What a beautiful story! I agree that IF can be traumatic for any marriage. Either you make it through to the other side holding hands or not. I've seen tragedy tear apart relationships (my parents for example) and bring couples closer together. Like you, thankfully, my DH and I have grown closer from all this. Dare I say that's the ONE and ONLY good thing to come out of IF?!

  8. Your love story has literally brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing.

  9. love is what it all comes down to. it shouldn't be this hard. your story is a beautiful one. made me think about our start and our love story too. its so easy to get far away from remembering why we do what we do.
    im going to be a dork and quote jack johnson for you
    "love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart. like, why are here? and where do we go? and how come it's so hard? its not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. i'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together"
    so much better when we are really in the moment with the ones we love and not just getting hung up on what's for dinner and when the laundry has to get done.
    now i have to go make dinner *sigh* but im doing it for my love :)

  10. You drew a flower next to your eye?! How did you ever land anyone, never mind Mr LC?! :)

    As usual, you sculpt something beautiful from word remnants of nothingness and effortlessly bring our emotions bubbling to the surface (and out through our tear ducts by all accounts).

    What a wonderful post you referenced. It's so true: it's not about vanity, or an innate desire to procreate. It's so much more.

    As the husband, it's always difficult to cope with the inability to really help throughout the process. For so much of it we're just sitting around and being useless whilst those we've promised to protect forever get prodded, pierced, and a whole host of other vilenesses. That our partners put themselves through that out of sheer love is astonishing - I will never be able to repay J for everything she's been through. Love is what keeps our own particular world spinning, and it would all be for nought without it. Cherish and celebrate your love with Mr LC and accept just a bit of hero-worship adoration back in return - you deserve it.

  11. I really love picturing the budding romance between Mr. and Mrs. LC. =) You two are so lucky to have found each other so early in life. Just think! It's totally realistic that you guys may some day celebrate your 60th wedding anniversary (or beyond!)! So awesome.

    TABI's post was very touching. And so very true.

  12. I was just thinking the same thing the other day about my posts. About how they are just so depressing, can't I think of anything positive to say? Then out of no where my friend mails me a book "Write it down, Make it happen". All about being positive and focusing on your hearts desires to make your dreams come true. Of course, very good in theory but very hard in real life. I read a couple chapters and was feeling good about life, then my husband tells me our friends 18 year old son just got his girlfriend pregnant. Hearing things like that tend to shatter any positive perspective I have on life at that moment.
    I did enjoy reading of how you met, I've always enjoyed knowing other peoples love stories. Thanks for sharing.

  13. Your love story is beautiful and you once again have me in tears. They are good tears though. You have such a way with words. I can't wait to one day read your book. Call me crazy but I just have a feeling.

  14. That is one of the BEST love stories ever, too!
    It's all very true, and you succeeded with the positivity!
    I agree that you'll have your own book someday. I can't wait to tell people that I don't really know you but I feel like I did :)

  15. That is just so sweet. Thank you for the reminder of why so many us started on our journey in the first place.

  16. time to move on to plan c, here's tomorrow's texas lotto numbers
    7 21, 22, 28, 50

    then you can hire a surrogate to carry a baby for you.
    come on, it would only cost 1$? what's the harm? I pray for you to my Catholic God every night, now do your part


  17. Thank you for this..I really needed it and have decided to think of our IF story as a love story.

  18. Aww...y'all are an amazing couple. Here's to love!

  19. Very "meet cute"! And it's obvious that the two of you really love being together. Love it!

  20. Your post brought me to tears (both happy and sad). It is so true, that IF is indeed a love story. Thank you for putting into words what my heart felt and still feels. May your love story continue and grow! Hugs!

  21. What a beautiful post. Your are, indeed, the most talented writer I know personally. I'm honored to know you and Mr. LC.

  22. You are not pathetic. You are grieving. It's really hard to be positive when you are grieving. Lots of people judge the grieving process, even those of us going through it. We live in a "get over it" society. So keep writing about the grieving. It's really ok. And you ended up writing something positive in the end here too. Of course you have lots of things to be grateful in your life, but that doesn't mean that you aren't going to be sad for a long while yet. Try not to judge yourself about it, or rush yourself. That will just make the grieving process that much more drawn out! It's really ok to be sad and angry about all this two months later. I know I am.

  23. I think I remember you saying elsewhere at one point that you and your husband had gotten married young. That story is pretty classic though. Very sweet.

  24. "Do swimmers sweat?"

    How could you not marry him? (-; Seriously!?

    Love this post and agree with your sentiment 100%...

    But girl, you can't help but to feel what you feel. If you need to write the same thing over and over (no matter how repetitive or depressive you think it is) then do it. I promise you I will never get tired of reading it. Your writing helps me heal too because you often say so much of what I feel/have felt and it's a weird comfort/sadness knowing someone gets it so well.

  25. I hope this post makes it into your book. That email from your soon to be publisher telling you how much s/he loves your writing and can you meet cannot be far away(and an all expenses paid trip to your favourite city into the bargain). Where are you people??? What about a column?? You should get paid for this (I know this is not why you write but I for one would pay to read it.) Only this year have I really had a glimpse into the horror of this grief (and it is only a glimpse). You articulate it so beautifully. I wish you and Mr LC everything that it is good as your love story continues and grows (and your Dad and Mom too) xxx

  26. Thank you so much for your comments and helpful suggestion on my blog. I'm glad to have "found" you now. I spent quite a bit of time reading your blog today and so many of your posts really spoke to me, made me think and made me cry. I am so sorry for all the shit you've had to deal with. It is so not fair. I actually wrote a post today about one of your posts - thanks again. For some reason, it makes things a little easier knowing that there are others out there.

  27. I am here via Riley's blog. At least I think that is where I came from . . . it has been a long day.

    I just wanted to say that I loved this post. I loved that last line too. So true.

    I also want to say that I am sorry for what you have been through and are going through.

  28. From church today:

    Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    Corinthians 3:17

    Thought of you & Lee. You all embody this. You all are never far from my thoughts & prayers.

  29. post your e-mail address and I'll send you POWERBALL numbers. Shrug. Can't hurt, might help. See, if you just had a spare $25,000 (according to the NY times) you could go to india and have Plan C, a gest surrogate carry your twins for you.

    Come one, it's only 2 bucks