Sunday, January 17, 2010


My Dad turned 72 on Thursday.

Two years ago we raced home for his surprise 70th birthday party. We drove 7 hours in one day to go there and back and still be able to make our monitoring appointments for IVF #3. I'll never forget the look on my Dad's face when we showed up--we arrived after the big "SURPRISE!" and my Mom had told him we couldn't come because of the IVF. So he said many times that we were the best part of the day, our making it there.

I am so glad, so grateful beyond words, for that day. For the beautiful presentation Mr. LC and I put together compiling photos from my Dad's life, for the video we shot, for the memory of my Dad, so strong and able-bodied that day, as he talked with his old high school and college buddies. I am glad for the days we got to see my Dad riding his tractor all over his acreage--he always said "a happy man is a man on a tractor." I am so glad for the days we got to go on endless bike rides together, my Dad leaving Mr. LC and I gasping for breath and far behind as he wanted to take us 'just a few more miles.' I am so glad for the work we did together cleaning up after Hurricane Ike destroyed a lot of their trees--my Dad and I trying to figure out how to free a still living tree from the mangledness of a toppled one--him using the chain saw while wearing a J collar while recovering from his broken neck. So grateful for the times we went walking together on their property, the very property my Dad grew up on, where he rode his horse as a boy.

Yesterday, at the age of 72 and one day, my Dad returned home to that place. To his homestead.

No, he won't be riding on his tractor.
No, he won't be wrestling with his dog in the grass.
No, he won't be getting on his mountain bike for a quick ride.

But he is home.

Two years ago Saturday we went to see my good friend Megan's tiny newborn twins in the hospital. My ovaries were aching--full of follicles for IVF #3. We were full of hope seeing those tiny babies. We walked out of that hospital that day thinking that surely, surely that would be us. Finally people would be visiting us in the hospital to see our baby LC. Surely.

The twins turned two on Friday.

How is it that in two years, my Dad can no longer walk and is only a shadow of his former self, we've had three more failed IVFs under our belt and we're still childless. Still hurting. Still no closer to our goal than ever before, maybe even further from it.

How is that a stupid Facebook notice of a pregnancy (Mr. LC has an account, I saw the update) can bring us both down into such a dark place after having a beautiful, wonderful day? When I told Mr. LC what I had read this evening he said that, aside from those pathetic folks on Intervention, we're the biggest losers he knows. He is so sad. I am sad.

The passage of time scares me. I want it to stop, or better yet, reverse.

But time keeps on passing. I try so hard to be mindful, to live in the present, to stop the thoughts about "when we finally..." but most of the time it's nearly impossible. Because infertility waits for no one and it fucks with nearly all of your plans.

I will try to focus on the beauty of this day: church, a beautiful trail run with Mr. LC, a fun lunch out, a great yoga class with Mr. LC taught by our wonderful friend S. A chocolate decadent dessert waiting in the fridge for me right now.

But damn, it all still hurts.


  1. I wish I had some smoke to blow up your ass... but honestly, you've hit the nail on the head with how sad it is to realize that things can change so quickly and horribly. You're right that "living in the present" is nice, but it's very hard. I'm so sorry that you have all those memories that you have to sort through and that you have to deal with the reminders that make facebook such a double edged sword.
    Even an amazing, chocolate dessert doesn't take away that kind of pain...

  2. So happy to hear that your dad is home! So sad that he can't do all of those things that he could once do. But he has his loving family and that sounds like the most important thing to him :)

    Like Silly, I wish I had something good to say to make the pain better. But all I can do is send big hugs!!

  3. I am so sorry for all you have been through, my only hope is that somewhere out there is some stored up goodness that will soon
    be dropped in your lap. God knows you deserve it!

    I will be thinking of you and wish there was something more
    I could say or do to make things better!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Sorry, comment posted before I was ready...

    It is extremely frustrating to watch the lives of people around you progress in the way they had planned when your life is on permanent hold after years of infertility. I really relate to that feeling. But, sometimes I find the passage of time comforting. It reminds me that change is inevitable, and eventhough I have been stuck in this horrible place for far too long, maybe I won't be forever. Maybe this chapter of my life will eventually come to an end, and I will move on having found some sort of resolution.

  6. I am glad that your dad is home. My heart aches for you and Mr. LC.

  7. I'm glad your dad got to come home for his birthday. Small steps in the right direction. I was thinking this morning and I was waiting to get my blood drawn yet again how much I wish I could just stop time. Just for a couple of years. Since I have been TTC there is nothing comforting about the passage of time. Nothing.

    I wish there was a way I could take away some of your sadness. You are often in my thoughts. Take care.

  8. Oh Ashley, it is so true. Time flies even when you are not having fun. So glad your dad was able to come home, I just wish he could hop up on his tractor and go for a ride. Time is something that can be so painful and difficult to look back on. Please know that I sincerely feel your pain and am rooting you on no matter what. ((HUGS)) from me to you.

  9. I'm so sorry that things are so hard, hard, hard. But I am so glad that your Dad is home. That's wonderful news.

  10. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is a difficult time and you have all the right to feel or grieve. I understand how difficult it is to watch the world live, while you are doing exactly that...watching. Again, I am so sorry.

  11. its great that your dad was able to go home. im sure he has been wanting to get there more than anything. i just watched your video and you guys are such a cute couple. i hope you dont think my last text (typo! oops, comment) was preachy i just really really want you to be able to have a baby. (god i wish we could all just have what we want) but im sure i sounded a little pollyanna-ish, and im sorry for that. anyway im thinking about your dad and sending him healing vibes :)

  12. I just hate that you guys call yourselves losers because if you guys are losers than we are SUPER losery losers...I tell people all the time that you guys are the best people I (semi)know!

  13. I played the slots here in vegas for you, no luck


  14. I know it gets hard to keep appreciating the little things and feel like the big ones keep throwing you for a loop. It really doesn't seem fair. The only thing that even makes sense is that you are overdue for a giant amount of fantastic good luck.

    Glad your dad got to celebrate at home, that his care seems to be working out. This time with him is fleeting, and I can tell you really are in the present for those moments. You both inspire me to be a better daughter to my parents, and to be a better parent so my daughter and I will have the kind of relationship you and your dad have. Happy birthday to him!

  15. Make no mistake, time can be a motherfucker. I'm about to be lapped for the second time by my best friend so I get it... And I'm sorry it's been so hard on you.

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE UNIVERSE that good people like you and the Mr can't be parents already?! UGH, I'm so mad for you!!!!!

    PS, glad to hear that your Dad is home. Even though he won't be on a tractor anytime soon, you can bet that he's probably just happy to be there.


  16. First of all, you two are NOT losers...losers are people who are apathetic and choose not to do anything about the problems that they face in their lives. They continually complain about how things are yet do nothing to change their situation. You two on the other hand have done everything possible to change your situation and as of right now, you're not sure how to proceed. That's totally different than doing nothing and complaining about it. Don't let me catch you two calling yourselves losers again, do you hear me?? You are so right when you said that IF fucks with all aspects of your life and remember, that is IF, not you two. I'm so sorry that things have changed so much from two years ago and it makes me sad to "hear" the hollowness in your voice. I'm still with you, every step okay?

  17. You're right time does fly! It seemed like just yesterday that I was going in for my first IVF, and my mother was well, now 6 cycles later I am sitting here with my almost 3 year old and 4 month old b/g twins and it's been almost 4 years since my mom passed, happening just before I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It is definitely hard. But, live for the moment of today.
    I just added you to my blog, I hope you can come by to check it out!

  18. Oh boy, do I know what you mean! I heard news today that a friend is pregnant and had had a scare at the beginning of the, now safe, pregnancy. And the first thing I thought, after 6 losses of my own, was "why wasn't one of mine 'just a scare'?". Dark places indeed, but you ain't alone there!

  19. There are many ways to describe you & Mr LC, loser(s) not being one of them. I know your both desperately sad. I wish there was a way I could take away the pain or any one of us could. Instead I'd like to remind you why you are not losers. You both know the meaning of love. You have an incredible marriage that I'm sure tons of people envy. You each put the other first, and not many people get to experience that in life. You are truly soul mates, no other way around it. You both are such giving and caring people not only with each other but your family & friends & where you volunteer. Honestly, I hope that in my darkest hours I have half the amount of grace you do.

    I am so happy to hear your Dad is home. Happy Birthday to him. I know home is where his heart is & I know he's truly blessed to be there.

  20. Well, I feel sorta bad for Mrs. LC coming to her comments and seeing that one talking about looking at her 3 year old AND boy/girl twins. I know it's sad to lose your mother, but time passing for Mrs. LC and STILL BEING CHILDLESS is just not the same as someone who is looking at three children from successful fertility treatment while thinking about the passing of time.

    I'm just sayin'.

  21. I'm sorry I'm so late to comment, Mrs. LC!

    Time scares the ever loving crap out of me as well. Is there such a thing as Timephobia? Edit: I just looked it up. It's called "Chronophobia." Thinking about lost time with children who don't yet exist and may never, as well as thinking about what little time I have left with my parents is enough to make me run for the hills stark raving mad. If I could stop time for all of us, I would.

    I seriously think about you and Mr. LC every day. About how there HAS to be a solution to all this. The injustice makes me ill. Let's rap further about our dream of an IVF documentary. =)

    And a very happy birthday to your Dad! I know how difficult it must be for you to visibly count the ways in which his physical life is now impaired. But thank God he's home. He's with his dear, precious family, and Im sure he wouldn't trade that for all the tractor rides in the world.

  22. Just sending some empathy your way. I'm glad you have Mr. LC...The Free To Be You & Me song "It's Alright to Cry" remains one of my staples.

  23. I am so happy that your dad is home and I hope he's had some good nights sleeping at home. I hang on every word you write, Mrs. LC. I can hear your voice when I read your words. I don't know how this universe unfolds like it does. It makes no sense and makes my head and heart hurt for you and Mr. LC.

  24. Everyone else has said it so well, but I'll say it too - You guys are SO NOT losers. I hope that somehow, someway, your dreams come true. ~ Libby

  25. well if you ever decide to give ccivf a chance, you are more than welcome to stay here! surprisingly enough we have an extra room...i dont know whether to put a smiley or a sad face after that one.
    thanks for commenting it was a rough day

  26. That was beautifully written - not sure how I missed it earlier. Glad to hear your Dad is home, though sad to hear about the IF shittiness that is life for you. I have no words of wisdom, but wish you and Mr LC the best in pursuit of your babies, and in maintaining a happy marriage while you're at it.

  27. So glad to hear that your dad is home! His birthday is one day off from my own dad's BTW. (-;

    I don't know how time does it, but it keeps moving right along whether I'm ready for it or not. I understand those WTF happened over the last couple years thing too... I am trying so hard to just live in "moments" right now as hours/days seem to overwhelm me that I'm not moving fast enough.

    If you 2 are losers then I am the bottom of the barrel. I was one of those pathetic losers who needed an intervention to ditch my ED. I'm actually jealous of them because they have "people" who are willing to step up and support them while mine came with "Please don't tell anyone..." Ahhh, totally off topic.

    It all hurts and those pregnancy announcements (no matter how they come) still touch that place that aches to have it too.

    Big hugs, my dear.

  28. I understand about feeling like a failure. It doesn't really matter what anyone says, you are still going to feel like one. I'm probably the biggest loser there is, so don't worry about having any competition. I have to say, though, I had a moment of compassion for myself this weekend - understanding how my past affects my present and how I'm really not in control of any of it. When you don't have any control, you aren't a loser because it isn't something you did or didn't do. It just is, and it still sucks. And it still hurts like a muthuh for me too. Can barely read any blogs, let alone post on my own right now.