Doesn't the post title sound ominous? Or else so final? Ha. I wish I had the real 'answers.'
So I skipped Transplant's question about donor eggs when I went out of order, so that's where I'll start today.
Question #1: Why not donor eggs?
Ahhh, so tricky to answer this. DEs is something we certainly considered. Mr. LC didn't have a problem with donor gametes of either kind, as donor sperm has been suggested as well as donor eggs. I could never get my mind around it. I think it's a great choice for a lot of people, and obviously--this being my blog--these are just my opinions on this, silly as they may be, uninformed as they may be, etc. etc.
Some of it boils down to some very simple (and again, probably somewhat misguided) thoughts about: if we can't both be related to the child, then neither of us will be. I have this idea about the future and people making comments about a child of donor origin resembling one of us--and me cringing because I know they're wrong. I know that sounds shallow. And I know you get used to those comments, and learn how to deal with them, etc. But this is probably why the adoption we're most open to is international--I have this idea that if it's just 'out there' from the beginning it will be easier. Easier on who? I guess me. But this is a very complicated and emotional process, the whole giving up a genetic connection. I could never imagine the talks I would have with a child conceived from donor gametes, so I probably explored the idea only very superficially, got scared, and then moved on from those ideas.
And the other big 'if' with donor--it doesn't always work. Initially I was lured in by the seemingly magic cure-all of donor eggs. But I have seen too many failures--sometimes multiple--with donor eggs to know that it is not a magic bullet. Honestly I just couldn't put myself out there for that possibility of failure, not to mention the massive expense.
Lis...you're too funny. I recently started using Finesse shampoo. I don't know why, it was probably on sale.
Chocolate or vanilla? Most definitely chocolate. I'm not opposed to vanilla, but usually only if it has chocolate incorporated in it too.
What song makes me cry? Many songs make me cry. Too many songs make me cry. The other day at work someone was listening to the radio and "Unforgettable" with Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole came on and I immediately teared up because that was the song we danced to at our wedding. Old school gospel songs being sung with my Dad...really old church hymns where I can totally 'hear' my Mamaw's off-key tenor voice singing along... Mr. LC's song "Chalice" (not a kids song) when the lyrics say: "Bare feet burn, and empty bellies churn. It's hand to mouth, not enough to go 'round." I don't think there's enough room in this post to list all the songs that make me cry.
What do I want to be when I grow up? Still growing up I guess, so who knows!
Mrs. Hope asks for a meal plan for a week.
I'll just give you last week's for simplicity sake:
Monday: 'fake chicken' enchilada casserole, black beans, and Basmati rice with avocado slices on the side. Don't knock the fake chicken products until you try them.
Tuesday: egg white omelets with red and green bell peppers, red onions, organic cheese, salsa, avocado slices (must have been on sale!), with soy sausage on the side (again, don't knock it until you try it). We love breakfast for dinner.
Wednesday: little individual pizzas made on garlic naan, with red peppers, green peppers, pesto, red onions, fresh tomatoes and a small amount of organic cheese.
Thursday: leftovers from Monday
Friday: sweet potatoes with black beans, salsa, and MORE avocado slices.
Honestly, that was a pretty basic week. We eat a lot of black beans, a lot of bell peppers, and not enough other vegetables. We also make a lot of paninis, polenta, vegetarian chili and soups, veggie burgers, edamamme salad, spaghetti squash spaghetti (delish!), butternut squash enchiladas (delish!)...
Jezzafuji, so many thoughtful questions. Here goes...
Overall, I'd say my Mom is holding up fairly well given all she's been through. She buried her father two weeks before my Dad--her husband of 43 years--had his massive stroke. She is adjusting to her new life and sometimes I get so caught up in my Dad's health I forget about my Mom's. I need to work on that.
As far as our treatments--she knew about them all except our last chance IVF. I did that cycle two months after my Dad's stroke and kept it a secret. Some days I am not sure how I managed that... My mom's heart broke in ways that I obviously cannot imagine every time our hearts broke through infertility. I had not even told her we were TTC for the whole first year, the theory being that it would be such a great surprise when we finally got to tell her good news. When I decided to have a laparoscopy I felt it was only fair to let her in. I will never forget her response when I told her we'd been trying and failing for over a year: "But all those months I could have been consoling you!" She cried a lot of tears.
I was strangely disconnected from her during our actual IVF treatments...it was too hard for me to hear about her pain when I was in so much myself. I'm glad I kept the last cycle a secret--if she had heard the joy in my voice the morning I had the positive HPT and then had it ripped away the next day she might have well suffered a stroke herself. But then there were days when I felt like I was literally coming apart myself trying to deal with our lastchance failure plus my Dad's stroke and all I really wanted was my mother, but I couldn't share everything nor make emotional demands on someone who was emotionally drained. It's so hard trying to balance it all. That's when I leaned so heavily on you guys, and you didn't let me down.
How does DH cope with the failures? The first IVF failure blew him apart in ways he never could have anticipated--we're talking a serious crisis of many things--faith in God, faith in science, etc. After that, he says he just never had any more expectations. Sure, he got somewhat excited about future cycles but never expected anything. Sad, isn't it?
He does not blog.
I think he's grateful I share things online because it encourages me to write and it has afforded me support that has been invaluable.
As far as having friends of his own for support--not really, not of the male variety. Our mutual female friends have said they're sorry, and he's been included in cards expressing such sentiment, but no one has ever put their hand on his shoulder and told them they're sorry for all he's been through. His own brother went through IVF (once, flawless cycle ending with success) and has yet to even say two words to him about our struggles (however, they're not really close). He chalks it up to males being males--ie not really sharing things of this sort, but I know he's felt isolated and alone. I'm sure he would have welcomed a mention, an acknowledgment of the suckitude--even a hug--at any time through this.
I think I put myself through this for the both of us. Never just for him, and maybe more for me. Although he was always supportive of cycling, he probably would have stopped two cycles back if he hadn't still seen his wife still in a place of quiet desperation and needing to continue to try treatments.
Favorite memory of my Dad that still makes me cry: My wedding day. I was standing at the back of the church and suddenly, it was just my Dad and I. All my bridesmaids had gone down the aisle before us, my Mom was already seated. There was no one left, just Dad and I, in the narthex of my childhood church. Time seemed to be standing still. I was literally shaking with nerves--my enormous bouquet (again, it was 1994 people) was quivering. My Dad grabbed on to my hand and squeezed it. He said "If you don't want to do this, you don't have to, even right now--it's not too late." Now--before you think that sounds strange, it wasn't. My Dad loved Mr. LC. He had no doubt Mr. LC loved me. But my Dad was just making sure, and making sure I knew that even though we were there, the money had all been spent, the church was full of people literally on their feet waiting for my arrival, that if I wasn't sure I didn't have to do it. He just wanted me to be happy. Obviously, we know how it turned out. I made my way down that aisle, to Mr. LC nearly sixteen years ago and said "I do."
The other day I called home and my Mom put my Dad on the phone. He immediately said "Hi Pumpkin!" in his regular Dad voice. It caught me so off-guard (he has been slipping so much lately and not really talking or sounding like himself) that I had to control my tears to be able to talk. Oh to be called Pumpkin by your Dad when you're a 35 year old woman....
Signing off now. Thanks for hanging in.
3 years ago