Saturday, June 12, 2010

The one with all the metaphors...

I know I've alluded to the fact that we didn't just decide to adopt overnight or on a whim. I know you already knew that. But I guess I feel that writing about the process might be a teeny tiny bit helpful to someone else who--poor darlings--are in similar circumstances. But then that sounds so pompous--why would my journey or thought processes be useful as a guide to anyone else? So I'm not meaning that, necessarily. After all, this journey is about the most intensely personal I can imagine--which is why I blog about it for all the world to see. OK, not all the world, but the handful of readers I've got :)

Soon I will post an old draft post called "Waving the White Flag" which I am promising myself I will.not.edit.one.bit. I wrote it very soon after we made our final, final decision...even after we were entertaining the idea of more treatment (shudder). But for now, I'll just let you into my head a little more.

A few posts back I included the lyrics to a song...and funny enough that song is by the Mister from back in his grown-up band days. I hadn't thought about the song in a long time but one day I started singing it and when I got to that part of the lyrics they grabbed me.

I can hear the engines die, stallin'.

When you fail repeatedly at treatment, especially twice at one of the big-gun clinics, you feel as if you're in a plane, listening to the engines cut out. Panic sets in. You know there is nothing, nothing you can do. You claw at the air, desperate, but you're completely out of control.

I can see the clouds go by, fallin'.

You're in a free fall, life racing by you at a breakneck speed, so fast you can scarcely take it in. The world keeps on living but all you can see are the clouds--falling-- and perhaps the ground racing upwards towards you.

I can feel my senses fry, dissolvin'.

This line always makes me shiver. My senses were frying. I was trying so hard to live my life but I was so, so sick of the undercurrent of infertility robbing me of my natural born happiness. I am lucky. I am lucky. I have my health, I have my friends, I have a job, I have a home, I have a full belly. But I was dissolving, becoming a shadow of myself whose senses were tuned only into infertility. What smells, sights, sounds, tastes, touches was I missing as life kept happening and I was still free-falling through infertility treatments?

But I still know my way home.

My way home is parenthood. To be a parent. To help shape a little tiny human being. To nurture them through this world into an independent free-thinking person who respects humans and nature, who loves and laughs and contributes. Who makes a difference. That's my way home. Not seeing my genes passed on, not looking into my own eyes, not having a big pregnant belly. Will I miss those things? Sure. But in the end, they just had to take a backseat to finding my way home.

I do still know my way home. My way home is going to be fulfilled with a little tiny baby in Ethiopia, half a world away, who does not need rescuing--no no no!--but yet we desperately need each other. I am her way home and she is mine.

23 comments:

  1. I think there is a lot of value in seeing how others came to their decision, it gives you food for thought in making your own decision. So thank you for sharing!

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  2. Your journey is important. Thank you for letting us in a little more.

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  3. This was beautiful. You will be so lucky to find each other.

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  4. Thank you for posting this. As you know, I am one treatment cycle "behind" you in this process. It is SO very helpful to read your posts and know that I am not alone... especially in the part about failing at the big name clinic. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. I know that your tiny baby will be in your arms soon... and in the end all of this will be worth it.

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  5. This was lovely! Thanks for sharing your journey with us! I so hope you and your little one find each other soon!!

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  6. This post is full of beauty. Just perfect.

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  7. yay! i love how you keep dropping little bits of info like bread crumbs through the forest :)
    i can't wait till you get home
    xoxo

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  8. I agree- very well written and love your metaphors. I know I've said before that you've got a knack for words, and I love to see that you've posted new entries.
    I am so excited for you and Mister on this journey, and love to hear your insight into what you're doing and how it's affecting you. Can't wait to hear more!

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  9. I will thank you again right now for sharing your journey :) Before I discovered infertility blogs, I didn't know anyone who was currently in a situation like mine. And what a lonely place to be. Thank you for making my journey less lonely. And I hope your baby girl comes home soon.

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  10. Stunning post. I wanted to ask which country you were adopting from but didnt want to be nosey (also wasnt sure if I missed it). I think its stunning, you guys are going to be fantastic parents, really fantastic. xxx

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  11. Great post. Thank you for being so willing to share your journey with all of us. And I'm looking forward to the one you still have in draft, whenever you're ready to share it. You describe this whole hellish process in such an eloquent way, and I'm sure that post will be no exception.

    Like wheresmy2lines, I was also wondering what country but didn't want to pry. :-)

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  12. Maybe your ears were burning today in a good way? ;) Melissa G from Banking On It, Meg from No Oven for the Bun and Nikki from Our Roller Coaster Ride Through IF and I were talking about your latest news today...all excited for you. And all very much interested in your thought process. No "pomposity" (is this a word?) about it. Inquiring minds want to know. :) And sending you all the best of luck vibes that can be mustered from Cali...!

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  13. A beautiful post! I am looking forward to hearing some more about the next steps - and what led you to Ethiopia as the place to adopt from - if you're willing to share it with us.

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  14. I really liked this post. I am so excited for you and your husband and your tiny little baby.

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  15. The last line of your post is so profoundly beautiful. Let those words be the title of the journal you'll be writing for your little girl, something I know you'll be doing.

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  16. I think that by sharing your story, you are once again establishing a connection with your fellow women, something that IF has robbed from us. IF is so isolating...how many times have we all felt alone in our journey? That is why it is so important to have these blogs online where you can find new connections with others who are following along the same path. Keep sharing...your story is helping others to feel the connection, as evidenced by your 65 followers and counting!

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  17. I am so excited for you guys! A girl! I don't see how you can contain yourself in the girl section in Target! I hope you get to go crazy buying things for your daughter soon,(and I'll hope you will share what you get). I am so ridiculously happy/anxious for you guys...I hope you a quick and easy wait!

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  18. Ahhhhhh, this is really lovely.

    I hope you know that I hang on your every word too :)

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  19. What a lovely post. The long and winding road will lead you to the baby you were meant to have all along. She may not come from your womb, but she is already yours.

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  20. So so gorgeous. And I'm still so happy for you and your upcoming journey.

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  21. "I am her way home and she is mine."

    I love this line.

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  22. Just wanted to chime in and say that I am so, so happy for you. The adoption process can be rough, but everyone we know who has done it is so happy when they finally bring their child home. I really hope it goes smoothly for you -- you deserve some good luck!!!

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  23. I'm getting caught up on all the posts I missed while on vacation. This one gave me chills, it is so beautiful. You really are going to be a fantastic mother!

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