Sunday, February 28, 2010

Words

Words are so powerful.

Or sometimes it's the lack of words that have meaning.

My Dad doesn't talk much anymore. He stares into space a lot. A lot.

So much of the weekend I talked to him, looking right in his deep brown eyes, and he didn't respond at all.

Sometimes he would, but mostly to just ask me to do something like reposition his leg or arm.

So I just kept on talking, just in case.

"Mrs. LC!" he called out, so many times. And every time I would rush to his side, and then....silence.

Late yesterday evening, weary from being met with silence so many times I rushed to his side once again. I leaned down and said "Dad, I got my hopes up that you were going to tell me something!"

And slowly, slowly, he said "I was going to tell you that I love you."

Oh Dad.

I know how much pain you and Mom have felt over the years watching Mr. LC and I suffer through the heartbreak of infertility because I feel it so deeply for you right now. You have wanted to fix it and you can't. I want to fix you and I can't. All I can do is love you, deeply deeply deeply.


Did you guys know that two weeks before my Dad's stroke I was angry at him. So, so angry. Things were not good with my parents. My Dad pulled a stunt at my mother's father's funeral and I was so angry at him. So angry I didn't want to talk to him--no more words.

I can honestly say that whatever happened in the past is meaningless now. It all dissolved on June 10th, 2009. There is only room for love.

Oh Dad, thank you for saying those sweet sweet words to me. It was worth one million silent responses.


(that's me as a baby on his shoulder)


*On a completely different note, the two words "It's over" in the infertility world should never be written. Please go give Mrs. Hope some love. She has been a tireless supporter for Mr. LC and I, for countless others struggling through this battle, and she has just received devastating news.

My heart breaks for you Mrs. Hope.

26 comments:

  1. Another incredibly eloquent and beautiful post. Hugs to both you and your dad.

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  2. It's heartwrenchingly painful to even read about this, so it must feel almost impossible to actually go through it. But at the same time, being able to reach that point of love and peace with your dad is such a gift. So, even though I know how painful this is for you, I'm so happy for the moments that you have with him.

    And that photo captures such a perfect moment - everyday love. Beautiful.

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  3. What a sweet post to your dad. And a perfect picture too. I imagine it is so hard for our parents to not be able to "fix" infertility for us. I know mine would do anything to be able to take my own pain away. If only it was as easy as fixing a scrape or bruise...

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  4. This post touched me in the sweetest way. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. You are a wonderful daughter. I'm so glad you have been able to find a way to connect with your dad in such a meaningful way. It must be so hard, and yet you are being so strong. Thinking of you.
    Love,
    Maddy

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  6. That picture is just so sweet, as is this post. Thank you.

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  7. You made me cry. Again. ((HUGS))

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  8. Oh, I wish I knew what to say. I love that photo of the three of you together - just beautiful.

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  9. What a sweet sweet photo! It's obvious how much you love your dad. I'm sorry to see him deteriorating. I know him telling you he loved you was precious. Hugs

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  10. You look so much like your dad. I'm so sorry for the both of you and this huge loss you are going through.

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  11. Saw your comment on my blog. You're not behind at all - I just updated last night. I'm bummed we won't be in NYC at the same time, though. :-(

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  12. I'm crying right now...to have even half of what you have with your Dad would be so special. You're so lucky to have that relationship with him. Please Universe, be on Mrs. LC's side for once.

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  13. What a beautiful picture. We've all had those moments we wish we could take back. Everything gets put into its proper perspective when illness strikes. I know that its difficult to see him in that state and its probably very difficult for your mom as well. But he's still alive. Make the most of every moment that you can. Long illnesses seem to put everyone through the wringer. I don't know how much he understands but he certainly can hear you. Tell him everything you need to. Don't have any regrets later for things that you could've said now. No matter how insignificant you might think it is. One of my good friends lost her father last year in a car crash on the way home from her sister's house. There are a million little nothings that she wishes she could've said.
    You're in my thoughts.

    T

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  14. That made me cry. What an effort it must have taken him to tell you he loves you - it must have been so tremendously important to him. A very sweet moment. And I love how you're all snuggled into his neck.

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  15. What precious words. What a bittersweet moment. I teared up reading your post for so many different reasons. Words can say so much or so little.

    Before my mom died, they did a trach on her, and she was unable to speak for those last days of her life. And I am crying so hard as I type this because I remember I wanted to remove that tube and hear her voice one more time, hear her say my pet name again. But I never did. She died on June 9, so even seeing the date of June 10 as the day everything changed for your dad brought back a flood of memories for me.

    This isn't fair, I know it doesn't help to write that, but is JUST isn't fair. I'm sorry.

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  16. That is such a sweet moment and so sad all at the same time! I am glad you were able to spend some time together.

    Thinking of you and I hope we can catch up the next time we are in town :)

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  17. I read this post earlier today and started crying at my desk before I could comment. *hugs*

    Gosh dangit, I love your Dad. I so badly want his health and emotional well being to improve.

    You are an ANGEL of a daughter, and your dad, even though he may not be able to verbalize it, knows it and feels it.

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  18. This one got me good for so many reasons/memories. I'm sorry this is where you are at right now. It's about as unfair as it gets. Sending hugs, and lots of them.

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  19. What a great picture. Have I mentioned before how unfair it is for your family to have to be going through this?

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  21. hug hug hug
    im so sorry for you guys

    xoxox

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  22. My eyes are full of tears for your dad and for that little baby nestled on his shoulder. She grew up to be an amazing woman. Hugs to you over the miles, my friend.

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  23. My heart breaks for you. Yet, I am so happy you & your Dad had that special moment. So happy.

    Many hugs.

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  24. Told you. :)

    Inside that slightly jiggled brain is still your Dad, with all the love in the world for you. Keep repaying that love he's drenched you with over the years in which you needed him most and your future's memory will be populated entirely by special, shared joys, spoken or not.

    Tell him that we *all* send him our best and that he has hundreds of friends thinking of him.

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  25. Very nice post. Gaudium IVF centre in Nigeria is a hope for infertile people Nigeria.

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