Monday, February 22, 2010

Uh-oh, and an award.

I think my last post came off in a weird way.

I guess I was just playing around with dictionary definitions, and plus what the mister had said...and while technically we might not meet any formal definition of family, I will never ever forget coming home from IVF #4 (our supposed to be CC.R.M. miracle where we had a catastrophic fertilization report that led to a transfer of the only two embryos we had and we just felt like the whole world had been ripped out from under our feet and we could barely breathe) and climbing into bed that night after being away from home for so very long and the sweet Mr. LC grabbing my hand and saying "Today we are a family of seven. Two adults, two embryos, and three furbabies."

So thank you to Meg (and others) for reminding me that our embryos--microscopic as they may have been--have been our children and thus for a few moments in time we have met, in a crazy way, the formal definition of 'family.' But who needs formal definitions anymore, right?

Anyway, onward to the award.

Sometimes I think about stopping writing the blog. I mean, I started it to document IVF #5--the secret IVF--in a safe, anonymous place where I could get support. It started slow and has grown. As you all well know, IVF #5 has come and gone and so now where are we? What is there to write about? Obviously I'm a talker--er, writer--and always have something to say. But I often wonder if this place has outlived its utility. And then I get two of the sweetest emails this week telling me to keep writing. Thank you.

Today Mommy's Midlife Crisis awarded me a blog award, the "Beautiful Blogger" award that many of you have seen. Here is what she said: Last Chance IVF (where I've learned a lot about how honesty, a sense of humor and pain can co-mingle into some beautiful writing. Her blog also reminds me to be grateful for where I am today, as I was in a very similar state of mind 5 years ago... when I think I was roughly the same age that she is now, in fact. Which is also why I have great hopes for her!)

So yes, I think I will keep on writing. I clearly have a lot to process, and who would I better process it with than you lovelies.

Oh yes, the award says to write/tell seven random things about you:

1) I do not get curling as an Olympic sport. I am waiting (hopeful?) that there will be an SNL spoof of it. That's all I'm saying.
2) I am a fairly snooty vegetarian sometimes (need to work on that). It particularly comes out when I see someone else's cart at the grocery store and it's loaded with bloody meat. It grosses me out. Of course, only a couple of years ago I was eating said bloody meat so there you go.
3) I still have my Ginkie. Yup. It's the blanket I was wrapped in coming home from the hospital some 35.5 years ago. Yup. It's sitting right next to me right this very second (dying a million deaths of embarrassment now).
4) I am not much of a traveler as in I have not been very many places. We tend to just go to NYC over and over again because we love it so much and it's so comfortable/familiar. I need to broaden my horizons in a major way, and come into some extra money for traveling! Currently planning NYC trip number (I've lost count) because the mister has a show in Brooklyn coming up. Can I just say: springtime in the city? Tulips in Central Park? I cannot.wait.
5) Sometimes, when I'm having a particular awesome 'couple day' I freak out and think "Why are we pushing so hard to have kids? This life is great! Why would we want to mess it up?" It's usually short lived when I see an 'aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww' family moment right after that...
6) Anyone who knows me in real life know this: I don't eat fruit. It's a texture thing. I will eat bananas occasionally. Other than that and my penchant for sweets, I'm pretty healthy :)
7) I have long hair now, but it was once 1/2 inch all over, as in an uber pixie. Man was it easy to take care of!

I think this award has been passed around quite a bit, so if anyone feels moved to write seven things about themselves, consider yourself nominated!

Edited to add: I am at work, and it's 'snowing' which where I live is a big deal, which means all the patients are late, or no-showing, or calling and canceling so while I should be studying, instead I'm checking comments on my blog. And now addressing one. So anon. asked if it helps or hurts to know if a lot of parents would be jealous of the lifestyle we have. I have a pretty good idea that a lot of parents would be jealous of the lifestyle we have--because they tell us. As in, we hear all the time how nice it must be to be able to just do whatever we want whenever we want, etc. We realize we're lucky in this regard, but as far as helping...I don't know. It's a nice life, which is why I mentioned my regular freakouts over it changing drastically if we ever get lucky enough to have a child, but I will say that it's a nice life tempered with some sadness. Yes, we can go trail running at the drop of a hat. But on that trail we will always pass Dad's with kiddos in back packs, or Mom's pushing jog strollers, or families picnicking by the creek. And their life looks pretty good too. I think what everyone, everywhere, fertile, infertile, married, single, etc. etc. is always struggling just to be in the moment with what they have, to recognize that it is enough, and to find the joy in the life that they have. I know I am.


  1. Definitely keep writing! (Please.) I would miss you if you stopped blogging.

    R and I are going to be in NYC, it's looking like March 13-20, though we won't know for sure for another 10 days or so. If you're going to be there during that time and are interested, it would be fun to meet up. Tulips are one of my favorite flowers, so you'll have to tell me where exactly in the park I can find them...

  2. i was nominated (?) or awarded (?) that same cute little award a while back and it just wasn't the right time to post about it for me. i was also going to nominate you :) so know that you are beautiful at least twice over, but im sure many many more times than that!
    i really enjoy your writing as well. i feel like my little blog is really just a regurgitation of feelings and i am in awe at how many of those i follow can actually write so well. makes me feel like kind of a poser. oh well i need that shit. its therapy to me. so i guess whoever doesn't like it can suck it!
    thanks for your comment. i wish my writing didn't elicit that type of response. i wish i had happy rainbows and puppy dogs to blog about. thanks for the support though, it means a lot.

  3. keep writing I've only just started reading:-)

  4. I am just going to put this out there - I hope you keep blogging - but as always, I am an advocate for us being advocates for ourselves - we need to do what we need to do to stay sane!!!

    As for your last post - not weird - and it was what you needed it to be, regardless of what someone else's point of view on it was.

  5. I have been thinking about your post yesterday and I do think of you and Mr. LC as a couple but also as a "family." I think that the love and commitment you guys have with each other is something that a lot of "families" don't have and I think you guys are great.

    Now on to important things such as curling. I totally agree with you. I don't get it, I think it is weird and boring.

    I'm sad we won't get to see you guys this time...(OK I'm also sad I won't get any cake balls).

  6. I read your post about calling yourself and your husband a family vs. a couple. I was wondering - what do you think about the fact that there are probably a lot of parents out there who would be jealous of the type of lifestyle you have? Does that help at all or hurt?

  7. Yeah, you have to keep writing! There is an end to this story and we need to know what it is - regardless of the specifics. You are in the doldrums of ACT II right now, but it is not going to go on like this forever. This is a mystery wrapped in a biography wrapped in a love story. Stay in it for the denouement!

  8. We too for many years had "families" tell us how jealous they were of our lifestyle, how we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted while they were stuck dealing with their kids that refused to behave, etc, etc. While it did make me feel blessed for what I did have and reminded me to not take it for granted, it still didn't take away the pain of wanting so desperately to be a mom. Seems we always want the opposite of what we have, and to some part, we do see what we want in rose colored glasses. But that doesn't even matter, when the pain is great as infertility, we'll gladly take the bad with the good. Anyway, just rambling here... still holding out hope for you and wishing you the best. Hugs

  9. DON'T LEAVE ME!! LOL. My egg/thought/(and apparently at one time) hair twin. You have to keep blogging so I know what I'm thinking. (-;

    I used to think it was cute when people called us DINK's (dual income no kids) because we finally felt like adults... Different time and different outlook because the term now makes me feel like a failure. I guess I would answer anon with asking if they would trade their kids in for a more care free lifestyle because I know I would trade my foot loose and fancy free living for a child in a heartbeat. For me, it doesn't help and almost feels like a mockery, but only because we have all heard "Here, you can just have my kids then." one too many times.

  10. love, love, love your last paragraph. You summed up everything I have been feeling so eloquently.

  11. Love you. Love your blog. Forever and ever. I'd miss you too too entirely much if you were to leave. I look forward to each and every one of your posts. I've said it before, and I meant it: You're my hero!

    And can we please talk about Curling? T and I went out for a little COUPLE dinner on Friday, and the restaurant was airing women's curling. I almost choked on my burger listening to the screams and grunts coming from the sidelines! And the fact that the referee wears ice skates to move about the tiny court? It's too much! I love it!

  12. I totally get #5. You're so courageous to keep on blogging through all this. I can barely confront it all.

  13. Please keep blogging. I need you more than ever now.

  14. What's this about a gig in Brooklyn? When, please?

  15. Don't stop writing, you're so good at it. I don't know how far you are from NY but we too love going to NY in the spring. I used to imagine strapping the baby carrier to my DH's back and me carrying my Kate Spade baby bag as we stroll through Central Park. But those days are slipping by now. I'm so glad that I never purchased that baby bag. I almost did several times when I was younger and, well, stupid. You have great insight and it would be a disservice to the rest of us if you ceased to blog. Who needs work?!


  16. I am sitting here sobbing- all of the deliberations, the decisions of a couple, all to try and make sense of what the future holds-- I get that to a 't'. We live in a multi bedroom home with a huge backyard within walking distance of a top elementary school. We have set up our life so I can stay home with children. A life ready to be lived, without any kids to help live it. It is so obvious to everyone that see us tootling around in this oversized space...Some days I wonder if we should just give it all over and live the life of wild adults without children, eccentric, outlandish and spur of the moment travelers. Or do we wait? And how long is too long to wait? We too, have much to be thankful for, but I still miss unknown kids in my life that look like and I thought I was to have them...

    Sorry for the stream of consciousness. I write to say, thank you for putting to words and opening me up to respond, on your blog. Don't give up writing.