Thursday, February 11, 2010

Be Mine. Or just Be.

So many of the infertile ladies I 'follow' online are becoming pregnant lately and I see a recurrent theme.

Not over the top scream from the top of your lungs jump up and down and run around in circles like a nutter happiness, but rather...trepidation. Fear. Happiness tempered with rampant 'what ifs.'

It makes me so sad for them. So sad.

They have been through so much that even finally hearing the words "I have good news! Congratulations!" is not enough. It simply cannot be.

And I wonder for them, if they can just 'be?'

Just be...pregnant.

The practice and idea of mindfulness is ancient. In overly simplistic terms it means being fully focused on the present...or maybe not even really focused on it, but moreso in that strange other-wordly place of bliss before the mind can start processing and sorting and assigning and labeling and thinking....and worrying and ruining everything.

It probably only lasts a millisecond for an infertile woman when she sees that second line, before she wonders if her beta will be high enough, then if it will double, then if she will see a heartbeat, then if she will pass the nuchal fold test, then if she will make it to...well, you get the point.

I think about the morning Mr. LC and I got the second line. It was blissful...for more than just a few seconds. I honestly didn't start really worrying about the number until the next morning. I guess I felt so surely that it was our time that the second line was all I needed to see. And honestly, I wanted so desperately to just be happy.

To just be....pregnant.

When I got the fake two lines a year before IVF #1 I ran around our house like a chicken with my head cut off whooping it up to my dogs, laughing and crying, laughing and crying, falling on my knees thanking God and man was I present in that moment only--there was simply no room for anything else.

I wish, to my fellow ladies that are in the process of crossing over, that your pregnancies are full of joy only. No room for fear. It's the way it is supposed to be, and I hate that IF robs you of that full experience.

No day but today--the theme of my favorite play. I promise I am not going all Zen on you--gag me with a spoon, man! but boy do I love that song. I love to sing it from the top of my lungs (badly!) and pretend like I am on the set. You can stop laughing now.

Happy Valentine's Day Weekend! I hope that whatever you are doing, however you are celebrating, whoever you are loving, whatever you are eating, that you do it fully and wholly and enjoy it one hundred percent without room for anything else and


  1. What a sweet and thoughtful post. The only time I felt like the way you described was my first pregnancy - after that - it was all fear, all the time. I have wished countless times to go back to that person, to those feelings, to that optimism that two lines = baby.

    It has gotten better - but it is definitely something I need to work on.

    Have a great V day weekend too.

  2. Delurking after quite a long time.
    What you so accurately describe does not apply only to infertiles. I lost a pregnancy last June and nothing is the same any more. Knowledge is power but also weakness, because knowing how many bad things can happen and just how fragile life is and how easily it can end without anyone being able to do anything - well, all that whisked my innocence away from me and left me numb. I am sorry am I like that, but I just can't change it. 14w pregnant now and I haven't bought absolutely anything pregnancy wise. Not even a button. I can't bring myself to it. Sad much? Oh yeah.

    It's been quite a while since I have been meaning to tell you just how heartbroken your story makes me. I just couldn't find the words. Because I do not think there are words powerful enough to comfort or at least convey empathy in such a case. You would make such a great mum! And yet, you are not. And this is just wrong.

    Have a great weekend.

  3. Another well written post. I had a few days of seeing two lines and even though I had the IF induced doubts you mentioned we couldn't stop smiling, How naive, huh? And as we hard-core infertiles know, it's not like we can just "try again next month." Honestly, that experience was such a mindfuck that if I am even successful the next time around I don't know at what point I'll be excited. Maybe during labor? Infertility has robbed me of so much of the happy feelings that everyone else gets to experience. And I'm still bitter about it.

    Hope you and your husband have a nice V-day. Oh, you asked me about my e-mail address. It's hcalabre at hotmail dot com if you want to chat.

    Take care.

  4. I LOVE reading your posts and I am in the same ol' boat as you.... way out in the middle of the ocean wondering when or if I will ever find dry fertile land.... your posts are thoughtful and the more I read other blogs the more I realize what an amazing sisterhood we have...even if it is in cyberland. My thoughts are with you and if we lived in the same town (I'm in NYC) you'd be someone I'd love to have lunch with.

    Happy Valentine's Day fellow IF veteran... make sure you hug yourself tight!!

  5. You always manage to capture so many of the feelings that are built up inside me and get it out in your posts. I know your blog is your therapy but your blog is my therapy too.
    Wishing you and Mr. LC much love this Valentines Day. I hope you do something special for just the two of you.

  6. This whole idea touches on something I've been maybe kind of considering lately but not really letting myself think of too much - how long does the ever-present anxiety last? That ongoing sense of the possibility of doom is the lingering symptom of infertility.

    Thanks for getting that valley girl stuff stuck in my head, by the way! Off to google up the video...

  7. What a sweet post. You are soooo right and it's really sad that after an infertile conquers infertility, they find it almost impossible to be fully excited. It becomes survival mode, getting to the beta, the 2nd beta, the HB, getting through the m/c phase, etc. The first tri is nothing but several weeks of almost debilitating fear that something is going to take this precious gift from you. You feel you have no control over if you get to keep this gift or not. I know I experienced this, even if I didn't totally lead onto that fact. I was so hard on myself and was frustrated that I wasn't bouncing off the walls. I felt guilty for the way I was feeling so I guess I didn't say much about it. I'm thankfully past the fear stage now and am trying to enjoy every second of this to the fullest. I know some infertiles never get out of this stage until the baby is in their arms and it's sad that they are robbed of the joy that they worked so hard for. Anyway, thanks for vocalizing that it is a sad uncontrollable consequence of infertility (garnished with guilt that their friends are still in the trenches), and not ungratefulness.

    I'm still holding out every hope that you too get to experience this "fear phase" and very soon. Hugs my friend.

  8. While I can't relate to this, per se, I feel like the entire IF journey has you constantly walking on eggshells. There are so many "check points" to pass along the way! It's altogether exhausting. Reliable psychics would come in handy at times like these.

    I wish you and Mr. LC a very happy Valentines Day! Are you baking anything special???

  9. Happy Valentine's Day, my friend. Here's to just "being."

  10. I've been trying really hard to be positive and optimistic but it is difficult to sustain.

  11. Beautifully written post - but as several have mentioned this fear is not JUST for infertiles (although we seem to have a corner on the market). When I was pg the first innocent time, I didn't tell ANYONE til 20 weeks cuz I was TERRIFIED the amnio would come back with bad news.

    After having so many failed cycles (you know, those magic bullet DE cycles that CAN'T fail) I am hardly even anticipating the beta, except as a possible ending of the shots. If it is a BFP, I'll just wait more, with that overhanging doom, for the u/s, for a heartbeat, for the amnio...

  12. Thank you, you reminded me to be nice to hubby on his b-day & valentines day...when all I really want to do is sit and eat and be angry :)

  13. I've been there. The terrified place where you're not sure you'll actually ever have this baby they say is living inside your uterus. And I swore to myself, if I ever got to do it again, I'd do my best NOT to be there. It's not always easy - it seems like there's always something to be afraid of. But I also learned that afraid or not, good or bad things can happen - and I don't want to miss out because I'm so busy being scared.

  14. Great post. I never came close and can't pretend to know what those next steps are like, but wish the same as stress-free as possible happiness for all my friends who have made it. This really should be the good part! (-;