I remember a long time ago when I found one of my first IF blogs.
It was a light in a very very dark and ugly world.
I had the pleasure of happening upon a blog of someone who had been through the wringer but was in the midst of a hard-fought pregnancy. Not to minimize anyone else's struggle but as we all know there are some there are shorter than others. This was not one of them. It was long and it was hard. I had only just failed my first IVF so I was at the beginning of my journey, though I didn't know it then.
I read it backwards and forwards, through tears and laughter, and since have formed a friendship with the author (a local gal!).
I remember seeing a card one day, that said something about 'seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and then becoming that light for others.' Bam! It described her and that blog perfectly and what it represented for me so I bought it and mailed it to her, thanking her for being that light.
It hit me yesterday that I will never be that light for anyone.
People who have supported me, people who have followed my journey, my fellow IF sisters...I am the person they fear the most, the person who goes the distance with treatment, the person who tries everything and pours her heart and soul into the battle and still comes up on the losing side.
I just think about some newbie, clicking onto this blog, and then feeling their fears mount when they see that no, IVF doesn't fix it for everyone. Because it can certainly seem that way early on in the journey...that IVF works, or that eventually, if you just keep going, it will work.
I found out that I passed my test (yay me!) and one of my friends said "well of course you did. You worked hard--damn hard. If you work hard enough at anything you should expect success." Hmmm.
Maybe instead I'm the reality check?
So to the newbies who find this space, I'm sorry. I tried my hardest to be your light in the midst of a very very dark place. I really did.
10 years ago
Please don't think you are not an inspiration to others! Once I got to a certain point in my journey, I was desperate to find examples of people who HADN'T got pregnant and had a happy ending. I knew (know) that that could be me - IF-turned-mommy blogs didn't do anything for my morale after a while - and I needed to know that there were childless women who were still living and breathing and hadn't curled up in a corner and ceased to exist. . So bloggers like you (including you!) HAVE BEEN my light in the dark.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't count yourself out as far as being a light. You never know where the journey will take you. I admire you for being so positive about life in general. I wish I had more of that.
ReplyDeleteI do know what you mean though. I was thinking about writing a post last week identifying myself as one of "those people"--one that leaves newbies thinking to themselves, "phew, I am so glad I'm not her." Yep, I'm one of those now...
I have felt this way - almost apologetic for unsuspecting newly infertiles who might find my blog, felt that i'm the worst fear incarnate, felt guilty almost for not succeeding and being a "better" inspiration to others. crazy thinking, I know. But I just wanted to say i totally get where you're coming from on this one.
ReplyDeleteMo
Your attitude throughout everything you've been through has certainly been a light in the dark to those struggling to continue the IF journey. Just sharing your story inspires us to keep trying as long as we're able and to know that even if we're not 'successful', we're not a failure. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI don't know. When I started out of course having no idea how I would end up, I kept a blogroll full of a variety of situations. Adoption, IVF success, still struggling, and quite a few child-free after IF blogs...and to be honest those always helped me quite a bit...because I needed to know that people could survive anything...and that no matter what I would be okay.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't count yourself out of the 'giving people hope' crowd. Being a light to someone may just be letting them know that they too will be okay...no matter what.
Oh no, my friend. You ARE a light. You are a light for those who are where you are. You may not be an IVF success story, but you are a story of love, a marriage that endured absolute hell, and you are still standing. You are a light. A great big light that shows that even in failure, there is still a light.
ReplyDeleteI remember that card, I saved it. I wish my light was enough - but you don't need it - you are your own light.
First off, congratulations for passing your test! Yea you!!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, and more importantly, you are very definitely a light. Maybe not to newbies in the stage of hoping that a few pills and a few shots will cure everything, but definitely to the rest of us who are also spending the better part of a decade slogging along in the fight.
It's not your success (or so-far-lack-thereof) that is your light, it's the grace, humbleness, and generally upbeat attitude (despite the down days) you exhibit in dealing with this nightmare that is inspirational. And your continual concern for others and desire to encourage them in their struggle even while you're still dealing with your own.
So yes, you are most definitely a wonderful light to a lot of women! Probably a far larger number than you will ever know, since a lot of people tend to be lurkers. And thank you for being a light and encouragement to me in particular.
I just wanted you to know that you have a sister in the darkness. I too have had 5 failed IVF's and we are done trying. I can only hope that other IVFers learn something of use from my blog.
ReplyDeleteYour blog and moving forward with your life is an inspiration to other women in the same position! Please don't forget that.
Are you kidding me?? You are the light to so many people!! Look at how many people follow your journey and learn from you. That is what gives people inspiration and hope. However, I do understand what you mean about the worlds perception of IVF ~ that it's guaranteed to work. I know you are in a tough place right now but I truly believe that you will fulfill your dream of being a mother to your own children someday. You are so focused and dedicated and like your friend said, you should expect success! So I am holding out hope for your success in the mommy department just like I did for your recent boards :)
ReplyDeleteSelfishly, I have enjoyed your blog BECAUSE you aren't at the end yet, it's still a process. However, I do firmly belief that WILL become that light for someone. It may not be IVF that gets you there, but you will get there, and it will be just as inspirational.
ReplyDeleteI usually just lurk, but felt that I had to comment. You are a light for me. You've helped me more than you may know by reminding me that I am not alone. Your blog posts have touched my heart and pulled me out of my own despair. So thank you. I hope that we both find our own end of the tunnel sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteI can't really say it any better than everyone else... you are a light for so many of us. I especially agree with what Mrs. Hope said about your story being one of love and a marriage that has endured. For me, that is a light at the end of tunnel right now. I think you are an inspiration. And I hope all these comments make you realize how true that is!
ReplyDeleteI get where you are coming from. I feel the same way...I am a cautionary tale.
ReplyDeleteBut you are my light. People like us need lights too.
First- YAY for the test!
ReplyDeleteSecond- you are my light in so many ways. Your blog inspires me to keep fighting, laughing and enjoying life. You and your thoughtful comments brighten my darkest days.
Even though you are the poster child for IVF success (neither am I), you have so many other qualities that really inspire me.
There are lots of us out here in the blogworld, that wouldn't be the same without you.
I find light in your posts, in your outlook, in your relationship with you husband, in your laughter-through-tears. We never know what road we'll walk down, and it is ofter not the road we thought. But that doesn't mean that your road isn't as inspiring and light-filled as someone else's.
ReplyDeleteAnd the support you give others (me!) puts so much light out there in the world. I thank you for that!
i hope you see how very special you are to so many people. i don't see your story as a failure. you said it yourself, it's a love story. you just didn't get to the end yet.
ReplyDeletei know that it must be super difficult to be done/considering being done with treatment. but don't think that you are any less of an inspiration or that your knowledge is in vain. i have to believe that at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason. even though i hate to admit it. but maybe i lost my girls so that i could help others in the same situation. maybe you had so many cycles in order to be that light for the ever shrinking group of real infertiles with not much hope. (shrinking due to the ever increasing number of 20 somethings heading straight for IVF before exhausting all their options)
and i read your blog simply for the fact that you are one of the most graceful, giving and sweet people i have ever had the pleasure of not really knowing. you give me strength and hope. you support me in spite of your losses. you care even when anyone would understand if you didn't. you help me see that even when everything goes wrong, there are so many things that can go right. if that isn't a light in the darkness, i don't know what is.
hugs to you
lis
I echo everyone, you are absolutely a light! Just because you're not a "success" in the IVF world doesn't mean that you're not a success- at encouraging, educating, comforting, and a million other things. I am sorry about the situation you've been handed, but I don't pity you; I come to your blog because I enjoy your writing, I feel better after reading what you have to say and love that you're not just sugar coating and blowing smoke all the time. You're real and that's a real comfort.
ReplyDeleteAw honey...you are a light in a very dark world. I want you to believe that. You may not be the halogen light you always thought you would be, but you could be the energy saving, environmentally efficient bulb that you didn't imagine that you were. You still don't know how your story beyond IVF is going to turn out and for that, I still say that you are lighting the way for many others - you just don't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteok well, see I'm still playing the lotto for ya. I want to mail a $100,000 check your way and hire you 2 surrogates. here's my winning numbers for Saturdays' Tx lotto
ReplyDelete3 9 20 21 33 53
keep on keeping on
I am posting on this blog for the very first time. I found your blog a few weeks back and believe me, you are the light for my tunnel. I, unfortunately, have a story similar to yours. I have failed 4 IVF cycles - nothing, never once have I been pregnant or seen a positive HPT. However, seeing your blog, your IVF video and your NY video made me realize that I can't give up on life just because I failed at my IVF attempts. That I should learn from you on how to accept and still have a smile that reaches my eyes. Thank you for sharing your video with me. I shared it with my husband and we both took a page from your life and vowed not to lose against IVF. We may not be successful but we won't be consumed by it. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteOMW, if I was not over on the other side of the world I would literally come over and say this to you - you are the light!! You have shown how to master living a full life WITHOUT the need for children and you have done it so graciously. Thank you for showing us that there is life out there. I can see how much you guys enjoy life, yes there is sadness but you manage to work through it. I always read each of your blog posts, you are inspirational!
ReplyDeleteThe light at the end of your tunnel: it might not be the light you expected, but it's still a light.
ReplyDeleteSilly rabbit - you're a light for everyone who's struggling through darkness and wonders whether they can emerge at the end w/ soul and smile intact. You're a light every day. Love - Stacey
ReplyDeleteBut don't you see?? You are a HUGE LIGHT whose spirit and thoughtful, kind, inspiring words SHINE THROUGH on every post? You are a BRIGHT, SHINING LIGHT. Last night I thought of you before I went to bed. One's character and value to others is the greasest give we can give:)
ReplyDeleteI meant to comment on this post yesterday but didn't have a chance! But I thought about it constantly! I just want you to know that you ARE light in the dark for many people, me included. Infertility is something that will have a place in my life forever- whether I have a child of my own or adopt or choose otherwise. I feel like we are all a band of sisters going through this, and just knowing one another gives me hope and support and lots of light in my life. And in that way, I will never let go of my "sisters"- past, current, and future, who have experienced similar situations. You are a light. You have experienced something that is outrageous, and you are BRAVE and COURAGEOUS and I find so much strength in your posts. Thanks for that!
ReplyDeletei've never commented, but i did want to say that i am a newbie, and you are a light. i get so afraid of getting wrapped up in this all and losing myself. becoming obsessed with one goal (baby). your posts are so amazing because they show me that yes, while you may have gone through that phase, you have kept growing as a result, and therefore its also a possibility for me.
ReplyDeletei need that so much right now. this is not the end. i will continue to have a good life with plenty to be thankful for long after this is over. complete with laughing and being goofy, like you and your husband do.
Everyone else has said it so well already... You are most certainly a light! IF was unchartered territory for me. I didn't know anyone IRL dealing with IF with the exception of a few friends of friends, but IVF worked for all of them. I seemed to be left in the dust. Then I happened upon a blog and eventually your blog, and I found in you the inspiration I was missing. You may not have the biological child you long for, but they way you balance your sadness and grief with grace and courage is quite remarkable. And the fact that you root the rest of us on is pretty darn nice too :)
ReplyDeleteHappy to hear you passed your test. Good for you for not letting life pass you by.
After reading this post I *immediately* clicked to comment. And then I found myself just staring at the box... I never really found the pg-after-IF blogs enticing. There were some vet-pg-after-IF blogs (like Kami that I liked. But not a lot. I am not an optimist and I never really *believed* that IVF would work for us. I'm not saying that I thought it wouldn't, just that I didn't know. I was very aware that, statistically, some people don't succeed and I could fall into either category. While going through IF, I always found the not-pg-after-IF blogs more enticing... they were proof that live would go on even if we were not able to conceive. I mean, of course I would be "happy" if we had success. But what about if not? What then? How would I deal with it. Seeing that other people survived such horrible and unfair situations somehow reassured me that, if that was my path, I could too. In my opinion, yours is a tale that needs told much more than that of those who find "success"...
ReplyDeleteYep, I agree with pretty much everything everyone else said. Newbies will never think it can happen to them anyway, so it won't really be too discouraging for them. Remember that feeling? That you figured you'd never actually have to resort to IVF?
ReplyDeleteYou're a light in so many other ways, too. You inspire me to appreciate my parents and enjoy my marriage. For me, that has been truly important, and I should have mentioned it earlier.
LC, this is for you my dear... keep your light shining- no matter what! You inspire me in so many ways! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP-yuXlONVQ&feature=related
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about all the IF hell I have been through, I also try to find the silver lining. If I hadn't been through this crazy journey, I would never have met you and your husband. I really cherish our bloggy friendship. Maybe the lesson for women like us is that IVF doesn't need to "fix" us. Maybe we are ok just the way we are. I know that the desire to have children is deeply rooting in that reptilian brain of ours and it's going to gnaw at us incessantly. Hopefully, we can be each other's lights as we figure out what our paths in life are next? I have a feeling, whatever it is, it isn't going to be boring. Congrats on passing your test, not like I had any doubts...
ReplyDeleteFirst, congrats on passing your test!
ReplyDeleteSecond, it is so evident from the outpouring of comments that you are an incredible light and inspiration for so many. I can't add anything more true and elegant than what's already been said. But, when I found your blog, I wasn't scared. I was impressed with your outlook, your perspective and ability to communincate your struggles with such humor and honesty.
I TOTALLY understand and feel the same way. (Not sure if you remember, but some other random blogger called me a "worse case scenario" and I reamed her out for it.) You can feel how you want to feel, we are all here to support, and understand and justify, you feelings.
ReplyDeleteSunshine
I have had this same thought often when someone still in the trenches emerges in my comments for the first time. I wonder what I could possibly have to offer them. I used to think of how horrible it would be to be in that situation because I still felt like I had options and that surely wouldn't happen to me.
ReplyDeleteI guess now I see it as being a different kind of light. No, all those IVFs didn't give the outcome we all hoped for, but your resiliency and strength go so far above and beyond showing others that there can still be life even when it doesn't look like the one you imagined.
You are still very much a light to me and my journey...You know I'd be lost without you so keep sharing your goofy self, your grief self, your baking self, and everything else that we all love about you.
Since the day we first connected online, you've been a light to me, one that keeps getting brighter.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to comment for days but silly internet won't 'verify my OpenID credentials' - since I clearly have not a clue how to fix that...
ReplyDeleteWhat I have been trying to say is that you ARE a light - to so many of us. Your strong partnership, video editing skills, honesty and bravery. All I can say is thank GOODNESS for this blogosphere - You're not alone.
If you want to know the honest truth, I would have been lost without some of your comments on my blog in the last few weeks. I don't know you, we've never met, but our virtal hugs, your advice, your kind words have made such a tremendous impact on me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to thank YOU, I don't know what words are adequate to express my feelings. I am sorry that something as f'd up as IF and CCRM is what led me to find your blog and read your experiences. But I'm grateful. Thankyou.
Oh, you made me cry again.
ReplyDeleteI don't fear you.
I find you inspiring.
There is most definitely a light that comes from your posts. And that's all about you.
Thank you for sharing and your beautiful writing.
The first IF blog I ever read was Julie over at A Little Pregnant...she allowed me to see the humour in IF...in fact, I think I found her by googling that exact phrase!