I remember a long time ago when I found one of my first IF blogs.
It was a light in a very very dark and ugly world.
I had the pleasure of happening upon a blog of someone who had been through the wringer but was in the midst of a hard-fought pregnancy. Not to minimize anyone else's struggle but as we all know there are some there are shorter than others. This was not one of them. It was long and it was hard. I had only just failed my first IVF so I was at the beginning of my journey, though I didn't know it then.
I read it backwards and forwards, through tears and laughter, and since have formed a friendship with the author (a local gal!).
I remember seeing a card one day, that said something about 'seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and then becoming that light for others.' Bam! It described her and that blog perfectly and what it represented for me so I bought it and mailed it to her, thanking her for being that light.
It hit me yesterday that I will never be that light for anyone.
People who have supported me, people who have followed my journey, my fellow IF sisters...I am the person they fear the most, the person who goes the distance with treatment, the person who tries everything and pours her heart and soul into the battle and still comes up on the losing side.
I just think about some newbie, clicking onto this blog, and then feeling their fears mount when they see that no, IVF doesn't fix it for everyone. Because it can certainly seem that way early on in the journey...that IVF works, or that eventually, if you just keep going, it will work.
I found out that I passed my test (yay me!) and one of my friends said "well of course you did. You worked hard--damn hard. If you work hard enough at anything you should expect success." Hmmm.
Maybe instead I'm the reality check?
So to the newbies who find this space, I'm sorry. I tried my hardest to be your light in the midst of a very very dark place. I really did.
3 years ago