Just an update

So I'm just sitting around waiting to hear from my doctor about these endometrial biopsies. I had CD 1 last Thursday, and I know the biopsies are done during the luteal phase...but you know me: I NEED A PLAN. I need to call my gyn who is going to do the biopsies and get things roughly scheduled. And then I need to know the rough schedule for the FET. Dr. M keeps saying how I won't be the typical FET patient--I will need very low dose estrogen supplementation and no lupron, etc. etc. I want it in writing...and I want it YESTERDAY.

My fresh cycle nurse is out on maternity leave (gag) and so I'm dealing with a new nurse. Here is a perfect example of why this is annoying: I emailed Dr. M to ask about the biopsies and update her with my CD1. I got an email back from this other nurse offering to send me a biopsy kit. See? Those kits are for the beta integrin biopsy. NOT WHAT I AM DOING.

This annoys me on multiple points: 1) Why is she responding to my email that went to Dr. M? If Dr. M forwarded it to her that makes me angry. 2) She just assumed it was a beta integrin biopsy I'd be getting. Doesn't anyone read charts anymore? If I get ANY correspondence from a patient the first thing I do is open their chart and--oh yeah!--READ IT before I start making any assumptions.

Grrrr.

I re-emailed and was a little curt and asked if I needed to schedule a phone regroup (what's another 85 bucks in the grand scheme of things) to speak with Dr. M directly to get my questions answered. She wrote back that they're working on my schedule. If it mentions Lupron or massive doses of Vivelle patches--mark my words--I will lose it.

But here's the other thing: I am so weirdly detatched again. Intellectually, I know that if I get the biopsies and my lining grows I could be out there in early November.

Like, in five weeks.

My practice administrator has been asking if I know the days off I will need and keeps saying "just let me know!" which is really great but I think I kind of go 'la la la la la' when she asks because asking for time off is a big step. You know, it means we'd actually be going back to Colorado.

But I have all these irrational fears. Like--if I actually do succeed, how will I continue to help take care of my Dad so much? I wouldn't be able to lift him or help transfer him, and if I was gawd-awful sick like my sister was I doubt I could handle a lot of what comes with a nursing home.

Then I take a step back and remember who we're talking about here. Mr. LastChance and I. Mr. and Mrs. Freakishly LOWChance is more like it. So why am I already worrying about a pregnancy?

Then I freak out and wonder why the heck I'm pursuing this if our chances are low.

Then I do the whole 'push to blast freakout dance' that I seem to do at least weekly. Of note: it's not a pretty dance.

We have this whole 'other plan' going too. I'm sure that has something to do with all of these crazy emotions and feelings. I haven't been talking about it...yet. But you know I will.

Will someone wake me up when the transfer is done, when the 2WW is over, when I know the results?

I am going to need a megadose of Valium.

PS On my 'other place' I mentioned the big upcoming weekend. Geez someone is going to figure me out but oh well. I am really excited about that and it is a good distraction from this.

PPS Have I mentioned how silly it feels to be updating two places? But yet, I still feel the need to keep my worlds from colliding.