Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just an update

So I'm just sitting around waiting to hear from my doctor about these endometrial biopsies. I had CD 1 last Thursday, and I know the biopsies are done during the luteal phase...but you know me: I NEED A PLAN. I need to call my gyn who is going to do the biopsies and get things roughly scheduled. And then I need to know the rough schedule for the FET. Dr. M keeps saying how I won't be the typical FET patient--I will need very low dose estrogen supplementation and no lupron, etc. etc. I want it in writing...and I want it YESTERDAY.

My fresh cycle nurse is out on maternity leave (gag) and so I'm dealing with a new nurse. Here is a perfect example of why this is annoying: I emailed Dr. M to ask about the biopsies and update her with my CD1. I got an email back from this other nurse offering to send me a biopsy kit. See? Those kits are for the beta integrin biopsy. NOT WHAT I AM DOING.

This annoys me on multiple points: 1) Why is she responding to my email that went to Dr. M? If Dr. M forwarded it to her that makes me angry. 2) She just assumed it was a beta integrin biopsy I'd be getting. Doesn't anyone read charts anymore? If I get ANY correspondence from a patient the first thing I do is open their chart and--oh yeah!--READ IT before I start making any assumptions.


I re-emailed and was a little curt and asked if I needed to schedule a phone regroup (what's another 85 bucks in the grand scheme of things) to speak with Dr. M directly to get my questions answered. She wrote back that they're working on my schedule. If it mentions Lupron or massive doses of Vivelle patches--mark my words--I will lose it.

But here's the other thing: I am so weirdly detatched again. Intellectually, I know that if I get the biopsies and my lining grows I could be out there in early November.

Like, in five weeks.

My practice administrator has been asking if I know the days off I will need and keeps saying "just let me know!" which is really great but I think I kind of go 'la la la la la' when she asks because asking for time off is a big step. You know, it means we'd actually be going back to Colorado.

But I have all these irrational fears. Like--if I actually do succeed, how will I continue to help take care of my Dad so much? I wouldn't be able to lift him or help transfer him, and if I was gawd-awful sick like my sister was I doubt I could handle a lot of what comes with a nursing home.

Then I take a step back and remember who we're talking about here. Mr. LastChance and I. Mr. and Mrs. Freakishly LOWChance is more like it. So why am I already worrying about a pregnancy?

Then I freak out and wonder why the heck I'm pursuing this if our chances are low.

Then I do the whole 'push to blast freakout dance' that I seem to do at least weekly. Of note: it's not a pretty dance.

We have this whole 'other plan' going too. I'm sure that has something to do with all of these crazy emotions and feelings. I haven't been talking about it...yet. But you know I will.

Will someone wake me up when the transfer is done, when the 2WW is over, when I know the results?

I am going to need a megadose of Valium.

PS On my 'other place' I mentioned the big upcoming weekend. Geez someone is going to figure me out but oh well. I am really excited about that and it is a good distraction from this.

PPS Have I mentioned how silly it feels to be updating two places? But yet, I still feel the need to keep my worlds from colliding.


  1. I keep forgetting to check your "other place" because it doesn't come up on my I am glad you post on both! I hate how disorganized they are being with your treatment!!! Don't they know how stressful this is anyway? You will get through the next few months and I will be sending prayers your way!!!

  2. now I seriously want to fly out to colorado and punch that new nurse... Hard! how frustrating! UGH! do you really have top pay $85 to speak with your doctor? huh.

    hang in there! dumbass new nurse aside, it sounds like you have a plan happening. :)

  3. Don't worry about the NH or how to help your dad if you are pregnant. I have a feeling that your family will be so excited! They will figure out ways to make it work. I can't believe you might be in Colorado in 5 weeks. 5 WEEKS! Makes me all nervous and tense for you. We must get together before then. And if your new nurse doesn't get her shit together I am going to personally go there and kick her ass! What the hell? READ, lady. Get with the program!

  4. I am sorry you have to deal with some unorganized nitwits - I hope it gets better!!!

  5. Is there anything more frustrating than playing miscommunication 'telephone' when all you want is a clear answer and a clear plan??? Would send you mega doses of Valium if that was legal...and if I had any left.

  6. I'm so happy that YOU know what's going on, instead of blindly following some random nurses e-mail. Ugh, being a nurse I hate to see things like that, but then again I totally agree- READ a little bit, people!
    Obviously I'm of NO help in the decisions department, but I do really like that you're envisioning success and planning for the + outcome. Honestly, I think your dad would be over the moon if you COULDN'T help transfer him and help with the physical care. I'm sure they'd gladly deal with less physical help when the importance of the reason is so great. I'm glad that you're set to full-steam-ahead! Oh, well maybe like quarter speed at this point, but you're headed in the right direction! So happy for you!

  7. I am so sorry they are being so disorganized with you. I am so glad you are keeping on top of things:) Ahhhh, Valium is absoulutely the best drug EVER! At my transfer for my 5th IVF cycle I asked the nurses that if I was going to have another BFN if I could have a prescription for valium on beta day:)

    Thanks for reminding me to check the other site. I'm going there right now:)

  8. Can you go public again on your other blog since you're not talking IVF there? We're not getting your updates and we don't want you to think we're ignoring you.

    I'm so sorry about the new nurse. When they are our sole communication to the doctor, it's frustrating when they're clueless. I hope she reads your chart next time.

    Sounds like you're going through a roller coaster of emotions, very understandably. Just take one day at a time, it will all work out.

    If you manage to get your hands on some Valium, will you share some?

  9. I am totally with you - not reading my chart is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

    And actually, for as "top notch" as CCRM is, I have been surprised by how often I have had to point out/correct/inquire about things related to my treatment. I guess regardless of how "good" they are, in the end we all still have to be our own advocate all the time.

  10. I hate the whole rollercoaster of emotions. I'm wondering if you might find help from the hypnotherapy, like some of the other gals have? I know I need it. I'm Mrs. Gloom & Doom these days. I need something to get me through. Call me, any time! HUGS!!

  11. Hang in there! I'm pulling for you and have a great feeling about this. The biopsies might just be the trick to make this work.

  12. Five weeks! It seem like no time at all but then you add those two weeks of waiting in and suddenly it's like forever...

    I hope you get some kind of useful information from the biopsies, and that you get your PLAN. I always like to have a PLAN, too - makes it easier to think about when to ask for the valium...

  13. So you hopefully have everything squared away with Dr. M by now as I am sooo very late to read this! Sorry.

    I have to agree with "Me" that there were so many times that I felt like I was reminding them about something it seemed they forgot. So frustrating. And even more so to get shuffled around between nurses. That was one of my biggest annoyances while cycling there. Ugh, so I'm only bitching now and not really helping...

    Don't worry about when you are pregnant right now. Everything will fall into place just the way it should. You may not be able to physically help as well with your dad, but the boost you will give his spirit knowing you are carrying his next grand-baby will more than make up for it.