Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I, Beetle?

I never thought I would be the type of blogger who got down to weekly posts only, but there just isn't much going on. Believe me, I'd tell you if there were anything to tell.

But I have been having fun lately.

Running, lots of running. 9 miles here, 7.5 miles there, 10 miles there. I lost another toenail but hey, it's what lotsa running does to me.

On Friday night, the mister and I went and marched and danced with a crazy marching band that was performing in the streets at 10:30 at night, marching from moonlight tower to moonlight tower in Austin. OK, so we only made it to two towers (the mister is still in a boot cast for his ankle) but it was pure happiness. I wasn't in pursuit, I was in it. It was so much fun watching people come out of their houses to see the impromptu parade in the darkness! Only in Austin, right?

The other day I was in my garage and I spotted a beetle. A giant one. He was on his back. I felt guilty because I didn't help him flip over but my hands were full and I was late for an event, yadda.

When I got home, that beetle was still there.

I walked over to him and flipped him over.

He immediately rolled back onto his back, legs clawing at the air.

I flipped him over again.

And again.

And again.

He would not stay righted.

I immediately had the following thought: how many times was I like that beetle, helplessly and hopelessly flailing my arms and legs, unable to right myself?

How many times did someone--God? the universe? --try to flip me over, help me back onto my feet? And how many times did I immediately flip back over?

Oh little beetle--are you and I so alike? In the throes of my treatment I didn't know much else besides flailing and feeling hopelessly out of control, clawing at the air.

I finally decided that this particular beetle must have been injured--beyond repair--so that he simply couldn't stay upright. He'd been on his back far too long.

I sometimes think how dangerously close I came to not being able to be righted again.

But here I am, upright, dancing and marching under the magical moonlight towers.

25 comments:

  1. I am so happy that you are happy. :)

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  2. Good thoughts! It is SO wonderful that you are enjoying running and dancing and just living in the moment- I am happy to hear that and goodness are you right- sometimes in IF it is easy to get stuck in the flipped over position. What a priceless little beetle with a message!

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  3. It sounds like you had a fun night, wish I was there in Austin to witness those crazy nights ;) Funny how sometimes little things like a bug, conversations with others, make us realize what we have and how much we have learned. Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Fascinating analogy. Simply made, but sad to think about.

    I loved your sentence "I was in it". Love it. Love it.

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  5. Very cool analogy. I had a few drinks with my friend last night...the one who has received her Ethipian referral. Poor girl is mightily discouraged (she's never experienced IF and has a bio DH) but it was sad to hear her so discouraged. She feels she is so close and yet so far. Hoping for the best for her and you as you venture into International Adoption.

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  6. What a perfect analogy. It's wonderful to hear that you're happy again and that you've found your way out of the infertility hell hole. You're a great reminder that one way or another, it will eventually be ok.

    T.

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  7. I love this post and have such a great visual of this bettle. Your regular posting will be missed, but I like to think of you out living your life and being happy, as you so deserve.
    Congrats on the running, toe nails are a runner's sacrifice for sure. I ran a half marathon last yr and my feet and toes will never be the same.

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  8. Oh boy do I know that beetle feeling. So glad to hear that this is a time of dancing!

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  9. I am so glad you are dancing in the streets! How wonderful!

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  10. Sounds like a fantastic time, I'm so glad you've been happy! Love the analogy too!!

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  11. Yay for dancing and running! You are certainly moving again, and that makes me smile :)

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  12. LOVE this post! I am currently feeling like that beetle. Your night with the marching band sounds so fun!

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  13. Oh, the beetle struggle and your analogy really got to me, really felt it. Glad you feel righted again.

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the dancing in the magical moonlit night to the band~~~wish I could do that!

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  14. Yep, I was that beetle too for awhile. Thank god I was able to right myself before it was too late too...

    Glad you had a great night out. Sounds like so much fun!

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  15. Too bad you don't have video of you and the mister dancing in the street :) Glad you are in a good place, and hope it just keeps getting better and better.

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  17. Sorry tried to delete that last comment because my surname was showing- oh well too late now! Anyway what I wanted to say was that was a lovely post, and thank you for writing it. From Amy x

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  18. Totally get it- This is the last time I try to turn myself over! :)

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  19. Wonderful wonderful post. Seriously, start a book. Your posts are so true and bring tears to my eyes.

    I soo hear you. I sometimes wonder what msg the universe is trying to send me after having failed 5 IVF cycles with not even a momentary postive. My doc wants me to do a 6th but I'm thinking this is enough. Nature/Universe/God is sending a very strong message. I should listen ...

    You are a strong strong woman. Hats off to you.

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  20. I love your posts too.

    I'm glad you are having some fun now.

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  21. I'm glad you did it - lost yourself in the moment. I need to do that more often.

    I am that beetle some days, even now. My desire to carry a child is so strong, I want to try donor eggs. DH says no way. So, I guess I'm helplessly broken for still wanting this. (sigh)

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