Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Weekend Update

Thank you for your support and comments regarding my last post.

I survived the weekend.

Actually, there were some good times. I find that I actually enjoy riding the tractor pulling the finish mower mowing acre after acre. It's therapeutic. My parent's property is beautiful. The weather was spectacular. I also had the occasion to use an old fashioned cross-cut saw. If anyone is looking for a good workout, then I'd suggest cutting down a few trees using one of these tools...Mr. LC and I make quite a good cross-cut team. I know I need to enjoy these times out there as my Mom can't keep this property forever. It's simply too much to handle.

My Mom...ahhhh...we did OK. Of course, I was on a tractor for many hours, then she went to a birthday party and a wedding on the afternoon/evening I was there...so our face to face time was limited. I didn't mention the adoption once and she didn't ask. So yesterday I sent her an email articulating why, at least to the best of my ability. Interestingly enough, she hasn't mentioned the email nor replied to it. Who knows.

My Dad....I will tell you that there were some good moments--a few minutes doing the crossword puzzle together, about an hour of watching the UT football game (well, he can't really see but he sat with me with his eyes closed, listening) but most of the weekend he slept. Did I ever tell you just how badly his brain was injured in the stroke? His entire right brain--and I am not exaggerating as I saw the MRI--is gone. Starved of its blood supply that critical morning when a massive clot decided to lodge in a mission critical portion of his mid-cerebral artery...it has simply died. And while the brain has a pretty fantastic ability to recover and rewire, you cannot overcome a deficit like that. Emotions are flat, at best, short term memory is awful. My Dad didn't ask one question about me, my life, the adoption...he simply cannot think like that anymore. He needs a lot of sleep. I'm glad he can escape into sleep.

It's ok.

He's still my Dad.

Did I mention that I had some bloodwork done and I carry a pretty awful genetic mutation that puts me in line for a potentially similar vascular fate? Ummmm, yeah. Not a good thing indeed. Sometimes being in the field I'm in is scary scary. Having access to some of the genetic tests is also scary. I'm going tonight to hear a leading expert on this topic...to help my patients better, to help me. So while I do mourn the loss of my genetic connection to my child, at least I know I won't be passing this on.

It's something I guess.

I have so many posts in my head about this adoption...about my fears, about breastmilk--yes, you read that right, about transracial stuff, so so many things. I'm scared to write it down sometime. Strange, coming from me, huh?

Right now the wait times are just extending. We're not counting on anything anymore. We thought for sure we'd be traveling before the holidays but there's no way that is going to happen. I know where we are on a wait list and it would take a miracle to move us along that quickly. So instead we bought some airline tickets to our favorite destination and that gives us a trip--not THE trip-to focus on. We need some levity!

Our just some more cross-cut sawing :)


  1. That's something that comforts me, too: at least I get to keep my genetic mutuations to myself!! I'm really sorry to read about yours - we can be old and hospitalised together.

    I know what you mean about how hard it can be to write about adoption stuff. This is especially true when you feel like there are ten different types of people looking over your shoulder. I know IF is hugely tough, but at least it's got, ummmmmm.... more well defined boundaries, if I can put it that way. Whatever you write, well, it's about YOU, and your body, and you can feel however you like about that.

    With adoption... hmmmmm. It's not that simple, because there are other people involved. I wrote a bit about this in a post a while back: http://my--fascinating--life.blogspot.com/2010/08/story.html - which is WAY too long, because the whole thing is WAY too complicated.
    I know that when I write, I often find myself thinking 'what would a birthmother think if she read this?' or 'what would an adult adoptee think if they read this?' - although I do'nt always have to wonder on that last one!! And there are good things about that - it has really made me question some of my own assumptions and privileges as the most powerful part of my personal adoption triad. BUT, I think that being too aware of this kind of stuff can make it hard to write, or even hard to admit to, what you REALLY think. I think this is especially tough when dealing with the aftermath of IF with its difficult, difficult emotional fallout.

    But hey - you know my way of dealing with all of this - feel the fear and write it anyway :) You'll be so glad you did. Maybe it's time to make the big blog switch???

    (Oh, and read. Read, read, read, read, read. Especially about transracial stuff - I hardly write about that, because I'm still so pig-ignorant, but if I could recommend ONE adoption issue to read about it would be that, even above attachment).

    (Oh, and could I sound any bossier than I do in this comment? Sorry! AGGHHHH!)

  2. Wow, you have been through a lot. My parents just left from a visit here and while it is not easy, your situation is so much harder.

    Waiting is an awful thing, but at least it is no longer waiting for you to get your numbers up and so forth. You are not bossy either.

    Glad you are taking a trip. While my parents were here, we went snorkeling and swimming with sea turtles, dolphins, and other tropical fish. My mother had a difficult time, even with one on one instruction, but at least enjoyed watching the dolphins spin in the air. My dad loved it. I loved it too as I had never done it before and I was glad we had the chance to do it. It is important to find things that will give us enjoyment since we have been through so much.


  3. You know, its funny. There are times in life that I want to just throw every raw emotion out at people either in my blog or at least on paper and then there are times that I find myself rendered entirely mute. Its almost odd when you look at what is holding you back...maybe you feel like it is such a precarious thing and you've been teetering for so long on the edge of something that it is just too much now? Not sure, but I totally understand...but I hope that list moves along faster. I want to see the happy ending, Mrs. LC.

  4. Sometimes it is difficult to write certain things and get them on paper. We are here waiting and ready to listen when you are ready/able to write them out. So glad you were able to spend some time at your parents house. Family sure is an interesting thing. I have been having family issues that I can't write about on my blog because sometimes they read my blog- of course, only when they have time to read it in their busy lives...but that's a different story for another day! :)

  5. So sorry to hear of your dad! I know very well the strain such situations puts family in. My dad had some very major heart surgery last spring. He went to a regular check up and the next thing you know he's on the operating table due to a congenital heart defect. My mom reacted very strange to the whole situation - not easy! So glad that you are looking forward to a nice vacation while you await your adoption. I hope it will come soon.

  6. I'm so happy to hear that your weekend had some bright spots, especially the nice moments with your dad. I'm very sorry to hear about the genetic mutation. Hopefully there will be steps that you can take to reduce your risk.

    So sorry that the wait has been extended. How many trips will you take in total? Love your idea of taking a vacation in the meantime...you surely deserve it.


  7. Sorry things are in a touchy spot with your mom. I'm sure she's excited about becoming a grandma again and doesn't know how to bring that subject up. Funny, isn't it, how some people are "talkers" and some people are "thinkers" about certain parts of their life. Neither right or wrong, just different.
    I am not good at waiting... this step in your process would be difficult for me. It only leaves time to think... and I'm not a good "thinker" I'm more of a talker! haha!!
    I'd love to hear what you've got bouncing around, especially on the breastmilk subject! I am such a huge supporter of breastmilk fed babies when it's feasible for the family! I can't help but wonder if you're thinking about attempted lactation or donation... ? :) It's a wonderful thing, however you go about it.
    Have fun on your trip around the holidays! You two deserve a fantastical vacation!
    PS- have you put any more thought towards the e-shower? :)

  8. Yikes, the right brain is gone? That is sooo sad! It is so obvious how much you love your dad, it makes me tear up when you talk about him. I'm so sorry about the adoption process being long and grueling, can not anything be simple in this journey??? Geesh! Wishing you a speedy process and in the meantime, you enjoy that vaca! I can't wait to hear you talk about how crazy you are about your child some day!

  9. I'm glad you survived the weekend and that things with your mom were manageable. I'm sorry to hear that your dad is in the condition he's in but thankful you had some good moments with him. Sometimes small moments can be such a big blessing.

    I'm also sorry to hear the wait times are extending. Why is it that nothing about this process can ever be simple and straightforward?

    Looking forward to hearing where you're going, though! I'm not sure what your favorite destination is...

  10. To resent me and love me and be annoyed by me all in the same breath.
    These are just a few of my favorites, there are so many more .

  11. I think you are amazing, and I hope you move up that waiting list very quickly. There is a baby out there who will deserve the two of you so much.

  12. I'm so sorry about your dad. I did not realize that he can't see. I'll never understand why these things happen :(