Friday, September 10, 2010


In the past, Mr. LC has described his most painful IF moments as a heart clench. Literally, he feels a squeeze around his heart that causes physical pain. It can be brought on by seeing a father with a baby that is a complete stranger, or at our friends' kids' birthday party, or anything 'family' really. The pain of IF can be sudden and acute, and it can be dull and relentless. Ahhh, so many ways to feel the IF pain.

I recently added a link to our IVF video to this blog. Obviously I had posted it in the past but never could quite get around to having it as a link on my main blog page. But I think it's important. It tells a story in three minutes and twelve seconds that is hard to express in words. Of course, it really only scratches the surface, set to the sounds of the upbeat ELO "Hold on Tight To Your Dreams," and mostly shows us being goofy through the grueling IVF procedures--minus the one BFN call. We either didn't record or edited out the most painful parts, because really? Who wants to see me comatose on the couch with a t-shirt soaked with tears and snot? Or how about sobbing hysterically on my kitchen floor, after collapsing, defeated by a fertilization report? Oh yeah--we can't forget the near hyperventilization-level sobbing in the restaraunt at CC.R.M. IVF#1 (overall IVF #4) w hen we got that fertilization report. Um, those wouldn't have exactly gone with the music, no?

I rewatched that video for the first time in a long time recently.

Oh the heart clench moment...when Mr. LC donned his surgical green scrubs the first time and was smoothing them down with a smile. Do you see the hope on his face? Do you see the excitement? It is palpable to me when I watch that moment. God that section of the video grabs around my heart and squeezes so hard I nearly have to close my eyes.

There isn't much worse than knowing the one person you love more than anyone else in the world is hurting. Oh wait--there is something worse--and that's knowing you did all you could and still couldn't do a damn thing about it.

But no, I can't close my eyes at that part. Because that is the face that took me through this journey--he never wavered, just supported, loved, gave shots, went to appointments, held my hand, showed up, wrote checks, laughed and joked and danced around in surgical booties to keep me from losing it--that's the face. That is the face that gets it. Deep down in his soul--he gets it.

That is the face that will continue to get it through the craptastic parts of the journey we're on now.

I'm glad we made that video. I'm glad I have a visual documentation of this part of my life...because otherwise, I might not have believed it, or remembered it accurately. I don't watch it often--maybe once every few months--and some might wonder why watch it at all? I guess it's part of trying to heal. I'm sure if I poked around on YouTube I'd find many more documented journeys of IF...but I have a feeling most of them have a happier ending and that's not going to do me much good. Our story is what it is...we did not beat infertility in the strictest sense. But it's our story, and that face--that face--heart clench or not, I love that face.


  1. wow!! I can see how this breaks your heart. The hope is obivous. I know this does not show those sadder moments, but they are there are there anyway.
    Wishing for the day when you both become parents.

  2. This is so poignant, a love letter to your husband. Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to your heart-clench description. It is a physically painful automatic response that sometimes hits me when I least expect it. Healing is such a slow journey for me. I cannot bring myself to even read my posts from a year ago--so green and hopeful. I'm working on it, slowly but surely.

  3. This just breaks my heart but at the same time I'm so touched by the depth of your love and connection. As always, a great post!

  4. So heartbreaking and beautiful to see what an amazing partner you have and he has, and how strong your love and support for each other is in these undescribably hard moments, times of life.

  5. You've said it so well. I just told my husband last night that I didn't think I could get excited about IVF #5 with RE #3. I guess being naive served it's purpose in the past, but I'm very afraid of what my reaction (meltdown) could be if we fail yet again. How much can one's heart take? Like you, I'm just very grateful that I have a supportive husband who can take the tears and snot because, I have to say, I have encountered more than a few a-hole husbands in the RE's waiting rooms. Can't wait to see your baby video some day :)

  6. I can understand the heartbreak that derives from your husband's heartbreak. I loved your video. It's full of honesty and is a testament to the road on which you and your hubby have journeyed. Here's hoping the road will lead you to the child across the world who needs you.

  7. Thank you for sharing your video with the world. As I've shared with you before- it was so important for me to see someone else who hasn't had the happy ending (YET!) I will be forever grateful for finding your blog and sharing the last year virtually with you.

    And the heart clench- I could have written similar words. I think one of the hardest parts of this whole journey has been watching DH's hope and heart break through it all. I truly feel blessed that he has been by my side, but I also feel an incredible guilt. Thank you for once again reminding me I am not alone in all of this...

  8. As always, I read this post and think, "Exactly! But I couldn't have written it this well." I've watched the video before, but just did again. I love it ... you two have such great spirit!

  9. You always have a way of so eloquently expressing so many aspects of this IF journey. If I may use your expression, I had a heart clench moment watching your video and wish so much that it turned out differently. I am glad that you and Mr. LC have each other. Hugs.

  10. I LOVE your video. It is so powerful and beautifully done. Thank you for capturing such true emotion and sharing it with all of us. I watched it when you first released it, but then again just recently. I picture myself and A in similar ways as we also try to make the best of these situations. A always pretends he's the dr, which is funny because he knows NOTHING about Science or medicine. Anyway, I also totally get the heart clench, it happens to us as well and it knocks the wind out of you. So sorry you are still hurting my friend, just know you are not alone.

  11. Beautiful & heartbreaking all at the same time. When your baby finally finds you, he/she is going to be so blessed to have you & MrLC as parents.


  12. I still remember how I felt the first time I watched your video. I won't forget the look on your face after your BFN phone call. God, I know that look all too well. And the crying on the floor? I know that, too. I wish it all didn't have to be so hard.

    I'm so glad you have this amazing life partner. If the path is going to be rocky at times, how nice to have someone really there for you. We may not beat IF in the strictest sense either, but I am forever grateful for my DH, now more than ever. And the love you have for your DH is so clear.

    I can't wait for the day your hearts do the opposite of the heart clench...the day they open wide up and burst right open when your baby finally makes its way to you.

    I hope you continue to share your story, so I can be here to celebrate that day with you.

  13. Mr. LC is such a lovable guy! I visualize the heart wrench without watching your video. That's probably why I haven't had the guts to watch it yet. I already get it.

  14. AAAAAAAAAaaahhhhhh!! This is insane... how can you both be any more suited to be parents? You are both amazing and deserve better... much better than the cards you are holding. Any chance you can "fold" and aske the dealer for a new hand?
    Just wanna ((((HUG)))) you!

  15. Oh Mr. and Mrs. LC! I watched that video and cried. I know the heart clench well. It's a different story, but a clench it was. I remember thinking that I actually heard my heart break. I had to remind myself (and still do), a broken heart can still beat, can still hope and can still love, and in a way, a broken heart can do it on a grander scale because it's wide open.

  16. I will run for myself.
    I will run for my sister.
    I will run for my friends who are affected by infertility.
    I will run for my IVFConnections community.
    I will run for those couples who already know they are infertile, and for those who haven't yet had to face that devastating news.
    I will run for the doctors, nurses, embryologists and other medical professionals who turn dreams into reality for so many of us.
    I will run for you.