Monday, April 5, 2010

Some moments.

Easter is usually a hard time for me. The church services are all about new life and new beginnings and frankly, over the past five years of failed infertility treatments it has been hard to embrace the excitement over new life--I mean, the entire plant and animal kingdom bursts forth in a frenzy of procreation and then there was Mr. LC and I.

Devoid of spring.

I have to say yesterday I did not feel this way about myself specifically. Maybe I'm getting over myself, I don't know.

I did cry, though, during the service. When I looked at the bulletin and saw that our choir was singing a song called "Arise" with a male soloist I grabbed Mr. LC's hand and said "Can you go get me some tissues? I'll never make it through that song."

You see, a long time ago I had a spectacular cousin named Jim. He was my only cousin on my Dad's side of the family. He was a teenager when I was born and I idolized him. He was hip and smart and knew all about fashion and took my sister and I shopping and played with us and taught us cool things and when we were little he spent Christmas morning with us just so he could experience seeing the magic of Santa Claus through our eyes.

He was perfect.

He was also a beautiful singer, with a voice that was damned near angelic.

I dreamed of the day he would sing at my wedding.

His life was cut tragically short at the age of 31. I will never forget waking up one morning as an awkward, hopelessly uncool 13 year old to find my mother standing at the foot of my bed.

"Jim died."

Her words left me stunned and reeling and confused and hurt and I felt like the wind had been knocked right out of me for months.

My sweet cousin--one of the only people who had the ability to make me feel beautiful and special and cherished--gone. Gone too soon.

The last song I ever heard him sing "Arise."

On Sunday I closed my eyes and listened as an angelic male voice sang that song and it nearly took my breath away.

The tears, they just fell.

It's been over twenty years, but when you lose someone tragically and early and they mean so much to you, time is sometimes meaningless.

"You were supposed to grow old

You were supposed to grow old

Reckless, unfrightened, and old

You were supposed to grow old"

And yet, emotions are complicated things.

Despite this immense sadness I felt for the loss of my cousin, after church I laid my head on the mister's chest, while we stretched out on the grass in the park as a family of two, while much larger, louder families all around us celebrated Easter with picnics and pinatas and barbecues and I said "I am happy."

I am happy because I have known love that is deep and wide, and I have felt cherished, and I am lucky to have known my cousin for the thirteen years that I did.

I am happy because I can, in an instant, recall his beautiful voice and hear him sing to me.


  1. I am sorry to hear about your cousin, that is horrible, I also had a cousin pass at a way to early age, you never really forget, but in time, you remember the good times or the "voice". I am glad that even on the day filled with reminders about things you have lost, you still managed to enjoy the day and life.

  2. TEARS!!! I barely made it through the post. I've been there too. SO happy you are able to endure so much, yet still feel such happiness! You inspire us all!

  3. Oh LC, I'm so sorry to hear abour your cousin's tragic passing. You're right, it's not something that really ever leaves you.

    How lovely that you were able to find some peace and reflect on the joys in your life.


  4. What a beautiful, beautiful post. I can close my eyes and remember, too - his smell, his voice, his laugh - and I'm thankful I have all of that.

    I'm glad you had a good day.

  5. beautiful moments and a beautiful remembrance of your amazing cousin. i could almost hear him singing through your words. love to you and mr. lc. you have amazing perspective and such a lovely heart.


  6. I'm so sorry about your cousin!!! Hugs!

  7. OMG I am sitting here in tears right now. I am so sorry to hear about your cousin, but so happy you were able to hear this song and remember so many wonderful times with Jim.

  8. I love hearing you say that you are happy. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find it but when we can find that sense of peace, even the midst of our every day lives, is a beautiful thing.
    BTW, your egg cakes looked great! I'm a baker too so I always love to see what you've been up to :)

  9. I'm so sorry you lost someone so special and meaningful in your life.

    It's nice to hear you say that after over twenty years you can still hear your cousin's voice though. That's something I worried about so much with the passing of my brother, that I tape recorded the outgoing message on his cell phone before I had the service disconnected. I don't know how you made it through hearing his song in church. When I'm moved, sometimes my tears aren't so pretty!

    I'm also glad you had a better Easter experience this year and that you had a happy day as a family of two. Sweet.

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    surely you can call and see if they can help you, you can stay with me here in SA PRN.
    what do you think?

    could this be a canoe?

  11. Mrs. LC, I read this post on Monday, and just now read it again before commenting. And I STILL have goosebumps. I honestly believe that your cousin was communicating with you on this Easter Sunday. So beautiful.

    And your and Mr. LC's love for each other will always be an inspiration. I'm happy that you're happy. =)

  12. Wow! What a beautiful post. I am so very sorry about your cousin. I LOVE your affirmations though. Truly inspiring!

  13. Mrs. LC, that is such a hard loss to face and at such a young age. I have a strong belief that people who have passed on find a way to send us messages through others and I think this was your cousin letting you know he's still with you...

    Finding that "happy" is not always an easy thing to do. So glad you had a good day.

  14. I've started this comment to you many times and many times I've erased what I just said. I just can't get the words out to express how deeply sad I am for your loss and how happy I am for you that you can find a bit of happiness, even if it's just that moment.

  15. Mrs. LC, you touch my heart everytime I read your words. I'm so sorry about you cousin. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.

  16. I lost my grandma this Easter and my husband lost a dear cousin on Monday. My thoughts are with you and your post was beautiful and reflected so many of my thoughts and emotions. Thank you.

  17. At a young age, we fall in love with those who dote on us, who teach us about love and life, who are super "cool". I'm sorry you only got to share that bond with your cousin for such a short time. But to hear his voice, to remember him, on such an important day, is auspicious in itself.

  18. I'm sorry to read about how you lost your cousin but glad that you can still hear his voice singing to you.