Thursday, April 22, 2010

One step forward, two steps back.

I'm doing ok.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I'm living the phrase "fake it til you make it" to keep a good perspective on life and infertility. And what it has done to me.

Believe me, it has done a number on me.

And I don' t always have to fake it. Most of the time I am genuinely happy. And genuinely happy for others as they attain what I cannot. That's a switch, as I must confess there was a time, when I was deep in the trenches of IVF, that seeing someone else succeed grabbed me around the heart and squeezed hard as I would have that desperate sense that "there's another BFP gone and it wasn't mine." I know you understand.

Recently I was on an IF blog and saw a link to a whole lotta CCRM blogs, all grouped together. And you know they were nearly all successes.

Maybe I should stop reading IF blogs? I try to keep supporting those who are in the trenches, sometimes I get support back, but sometimes not. I know there's not as much to say when someone's not actively in the process.

Seeing that dedicated CCRM blog roll just reminded me that I'm in such an isolated club. Yes, I know there are other members and man am I glad to have found them, though sorry they're in it with me. And I know there are so many 'clubs' of IF that are horrible and awful and dreadful but why do there have to be any at all? Why did this have to happen this way?

I love to read Lis's blog because she is so raw and honest. I hate with all my heart what has happened to her but I'm honored to know her and to support her on her journey. She wrote a post recently entitled "Still." She wrote this: "it still hits me about three minutes after i wake up" and she is referring to the loss of her beautiful twin girls.

While I have not suffered a physical loss such as she has, it still sometimes hits me that I'm infertile. That we're at the end of the road. We're done with massive amounts of treatment and it did.not.work.

Huh?

It didn't work? How's that again?

How is it that we poured every ounce of our being into making a baby and couldn't? How is it that the top clinic in the country couldn't help us, not once, but twice? How is it that we went through five in vitro cycles and still are only attending birthday parties and baby showers as outside guests and never holding our own?

Huh?

So yeah, I know I wrote my last post about not being paralyzed.

I'm not.

But I still hurt.

Somedays more than others. Somedays not much at all. Somedays so much I think all the healing has been for nothing because I'll never be healed.

Damn.

24 comments:

  1. Oh, honey.

    I wish I had something more to say than: I'm so, so, sorry.

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  2. =((((( I'm so sorry you are going through this! Wish I could change things for you, I really do! Hugs

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  3. Oh man, I don't know why this is the way it is for you, for me, for any of us. I do believe that you will be a mom someday, but I know that doesn't make the pain any easier now.

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  4. I stumbled on your blog and realized we had connected on the past.

    I'm a fellow CCRM flunkie as of almost exactly two years ago.

    DH and I are proceeding child free. It's still tough some days and I'm definitely not the samer person I was before. But life moves on. And you WILL feel better.

    Just wanted to let you know. You're not alone and there's life on the other side.

    - Ronni

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  5. Very powerful post.

    I have no words.

    Just virtual hugs.

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  6. Must be something in the CCRM "no baby for you" list air...stepping right back with you and really hating this part of it for you, for me, for all of us.

    So jumbled and tearful today and trying to push forward hoping tomorrow will be better and truly wondering if it ever really will be.

    Thanks for once again managing to be inside my head. I may just forward my blog address here.

    Sending hugs, sweet friend...

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  7. I'm very sorry you are living this. So many people assume that IVF works for everyone - oh how I wish it were so. I also wish I had the words to make you feel better...

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  8. DAVs, beautiful post. I hear you, every word. Sometimes I too can't believe how much we've poured into - and the lunacy that we to continue to pour into - our deep desire to have a child. When I imagine the very real possibility that we will end of with no child in my arms, I am left gasping. It scares me so much that we're cycling again, to try to stave off the despair a little longer. This is all so difficult. Thinking of you.

    Mo

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  9. I can only imagine how stuck you feel at times. I admire and respect your continued support of me and other IFers. I know that it can't be easy. IF has sucked the life out of many and you are one of the few that still manages to not let it ruin every aspect of their life. Thank you for all your continued support and hopefully one day you will be hosting a party.

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  10. Sigh, I wish I had words that could comfort you, but everything I come up with just doesn't feel enough.

    I'm sorry.

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  11. i feel like im just empty and my words at this point would be of no use to make you or anyone else feel better.

    i need to make this better for you, for so many other people. possibly for me too, someday. i just don't know what to do. its such a sinking sick feeling. thank you for supporting me though im sure it isn't easy right now. a comment from you always brightens my day.

    i will keep hoping for you every day, i have you covered for when your own hope in the future lapses. i don't know what will happen, but i do know that one day this will all be just a bad dream for you. i know that your life and your marriage and your family are destined for wonderful, exciting and lovely times.

    xoxo
    lis

    PS: sometimes those 3 minutes are the best part of my day. i hope you allow yourself to enjoy the denial as much as possible. things.will.change.

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  12. I'm sorry. I wish there were better words than that, words that make things better, but if there are, I haven't found them yet.

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  13. Hugs. xx.

    In response to your third paragraph: I do understand.

    x

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  14. Steps are steps, they are movement, they change things, no matter which way they take you.

    I am thinking about you (and your father's) journey. And I'll be here, reading and supporting.

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  15. I think we all think that too. If it helps any at all, and maybe I am just s.l.o.w. but I can't help but walk by certain baby items (you know which ones at Target) and think...this will be perfect for baby LC! I know. I KNOW! I know you know. I guess my heart can't wrap itself around no baby LC...like maybe if I pray one more time, wish one more time, it will happen. So, so very sorry. It should never be this way.

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  16. Just as you love to read that blog b/c of her brutal honesty, I love to read yours for the exact same reason. I teared up over your video, and my heart hurts because you hurt. We don't know each other, but just know that there are women out there who feel your pain and wish that your road was different.

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  17. Very powerful post my friend. I just said to J the other day how amazing I think you are. Back when you posted your IVF video he watched with me and immediately connected the dots as to why admire you so much. I said to him that I don't know why your pursuit to parenthood hasn't worked out because you are such an incredible person and you are so supportive to many people. While I don't have any words that will magically make you feel better, I want you to know you have made a large impact on my life and are such an incredible cheerleader. I hope I can give you back the friendship you've given me. Lots of love and hugs to you.

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  18. Your loss is a physical loss. The hurt does keep on hurting. I still find myself crying, but not as much. You deserve to be happy, and you do not have to wait to be happy until you have children. Some wise woman said to me recently, "children do not make us happy. It is not their job to do so." Children did not make my mother happy. Children did not make my husband happy. It was as if she was giving me permission to be happy whether I have children or not. I know that we both really, really, really wanted to have our own genetic children, and it did not work out that way. You are not alone. I have learned that whatever experience you have had, there will be some one out there who has had a similar experience. Maybe not the exact same, but similar just the same. We just have to change our minds what family is. I believe that family is in the heart, not the genes.

    It really hasn't been that long since your loss. I figure I'm going to be mourning for 6 months minimum. I always try to keep that in perspective. I try not to compare myself to those that seem to have what I don't. That is an illusion. The truth is that we all have what we need to be happy right now. I know, easier said than done. What you have been through and what you are going through emotionally is very normal. Big hugs.

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  19. I can't find the right words so I am just sending you ((HUGS)). Know that I am thinking about and praying for you!

    PS- my run in Boston is dedicated to you and your dad :)

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  20. Thanks for such an honest post. I do feel your pain too. Thanks for still finding the strength to support me and other IFers who are still fighting the fight. And I too know all too well the pain of seeing so many of our fellow CCRMers find success. It sucks to be left behind. It just plain sucks.
    Hugs.

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  21. It's not often that a blog makes me tear up - but you have such a powerful way of expressing how you feel. Through words, through video. I wish there was some magic wand to help us understand...and I also wonder what this would have been like without the internet to provide such a supportive group of women (and men) helping us understand that we are not alone.

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  23. I still try to check back in and see how you're doing and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Some day, some how, I wish wish wish that you will be having your own shower and not just attending one. Hugs.

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