More answers? I know...I know.

OK so these answer posts end up being a lot of words...but I must answer all questions. I must.

So here goes part III.

QUESTION 1:Anon. asks how I feel about readers who have children who haven't experienced infertility.

I love having readers of any type. I read Mommy blogs, regular blogs, weight loss blogs, adoption blogs, etc. etc. I think we can all learn from each other. And I'm really sorry for your loss--it's traumatic and significant, regardless of whether or not you already had children or were planning on having more. To have a choice taken away from you, that's what truly hurts.

QUESTION 2:
Libby--thank you for saying that IF hasn't sucked all the life out of me. One thing I know for sure: I am not the same woman I was five-plus years ago. There is no way to go through this and not be. But I try very hard to continue to live life--in the end, what choice do we have? And honestly, I just want to be a good person and feel good about the life I have lived. Many days I'm bitter and mired in the muck of IF and I don't like that person. I don't apologize for it, but it doesn't sit well with me. It's not who I want to be so I have to find ways to dig out from under the weight of it all.

Now on to your questions. I think I answered the CCRM one in the first post. I don't have unexplained--I have endometriosis stage IV, less than stellar egg quality, uterine lining issues, and we have male factor as well. It's like we hit the IF lotto!

Yes, I'm always tempted to fund one more IVF. Then, as I mentioned before, I think about the emotional trauma of an IVF cycle and I'm not sure my heart and soul could do it again. Yes, it's tempting to think that the sixth one might be THE one. Then I laugh out loud thinking about a sixth cycle. I guess if tomorrow I found one million dollars I'd do a cycle. But every day I check my mailbox for that one million dollar check and every day it's just bills and junk mail. Damn.

No one has ever asked me why we waited. I guess that's one of the insensitive comments I haven't received. But there's always some clueless person out there just waiting to pounce with a stupid comment, so I'm sure I'll get it eventually.

And I do love to bake and I do love to eat. I also like (not love) to exercise. Maybe that's kept my weight gain somewhat in control, but I know exactly what I need to do to lose those eight pounds.

QUESTION #3
R asks if I could do my whole infertility journey over, what would I do and why?

One thing I would do is pay more attention to my uterine lining. In reading over my medical records (a fascinating read!) my local RE's partner made a notation of my abnormally thick uterine lining when he did an IUI for us. He wrote, in black and white, to get it checked out. I don't recall being told that, I only recall the comment on the thick lining. Nevertheless I mentioned the thick lining time and time again but was mostly met with "yay! it's thick!" It was only on the fifth IVF that I insisted that the CCRM doctor actually look at my films and she sat up and took notice. We decided on a frozen transfer to get stims out of my system (high E2 stimulates uterine hyperplasia) and also to do the biopsies to disrupt the lining a little. That was our only cycle with any implantation at all. I always wonder if some of those earlier on-target embryos were transferred into a bad lining. So I would have insisted on that from the beginning.

I also would have gone to IVF sooner. We wasted time and money on IUIs. Mostly we wasted emotional reserve..I thought for sure they'd work. Joke was on me!

I'd also be easier on myself during those cycles. When I look back on the totality of our journey I'm overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be a 'poor me' here but seriously? Five IVFs? Two out of state IVFs? Biopsies? Surgeries? Sitting around looking at finances trying to find money to fund it all? All the emotional crap? It's a lot on anyone. I thought I had to be so strong (except after the BFNs, when I fell apart on Mr. LC). Why did I have to be strong? Why couldn't I cry with my friends? Why couldn't I invite my girlfriends over to sit with me and hold my hand and eat chocolate? Why did I have to go through so much alone?

QUESTION #4:
SillyHille asks about my faith and how it has affected IF or vice versa.

This is a complicated question but maybe it has a simple answer. Simply put, I basically still have the same faith I had before. My faith in science is shaken, but not God. Sure, I've been angry, I've raised my fist in the air and asked "why us?" but I have also listened to the very wise words of my very dear friend Gail. After the horrible, devastating loss of her twin girls she told me she had to 'renegotiate' her relationship with God in order to keep loving him (forgive me Gail if I'm mis-paraphrasing here). I agree. I don't think God is controlling the cells of my embryos or the lining of my uterus. I don't think God is intentionally putting me through this pain, intentionally choosing for Mr. LC and I NOT to be parents. Because if I think that's the case, then I would have to believe the converse: that God is choosing for that Dad to be a father, you know the one who microwaved his tiny baby to death. Or choosing for that couple to be parents--you know the ones who beat their child to death and then put her in a box and set her out to sea in Galveston.

That doesn't make any sense to me.

I think science and biology are what dictated my inability to have a child, nothing more and nothing less.

While I strongly dislike the pat answer that everything happens for a reason, I think that each of us have challenges to face and that it is up to us to use those as learning opportunities, to find the reason. I am learning to rethink my ideas of family, and to rethink my purpose here on this earth. It is clearly not to pass on DNA. It is clearly not to be fruitful and multiply in the traditional sense. But I do believe I have purpose.

And since I'm talking about faith here and God-ly stuff can I just add that still, to this day, one of the word choices that makes me bristle all over is the term "I'm so blessed with children" or "my children are a blessing from God." Okaaaaaay, so that must mean I'm cursed because I can't have children? It just irks me. I have said it before but the term I prefer to hear is "lucky." As in "I am so lucky to have my children." Because that makes the converse true (I'm all about the opposites folks!)--Mr and Mrs. LC are unlucky in that they can't have biological children. I would never say to my single friend who longs for a life partner "I am so blessed to have Mr. LC!" because that implies favor from God (in my mind, but maybe someone can correct me on this?). I will say "I am lucky to have Mr. LC." Because God, I am.

A haiku that sums up my entire life? Not gonna do it.

Quinoa? I got nothin'. I wish I did. I do like to say it, now that I finally know how to pronounce it.

OK, I swore this would be the last answers post but alas I'm still not finished. And this is too long already....

I'll leave you, instead, with a pic of some freshly baked jalapeno cheddar bread. Oh man. Yet another reason why I need to lose 8 pounds. EDITED TO ADD: I'm a bread by hand from scratch kind of girl. I did have a bread maker a long time ago but I really enjoy making it all the way from scratch.