Tuesday, December 7, 2010

This was unexpected.

Why can't I feel like this all the time?



Instead, I'm in my office, door closed, trying to stem the flow of tears so I can see patients all afternoon without looking red and puffy. Because a coworker brought her tiny newborn in today at lunch and she's a precious little five pound peanut all 100% perfection and marvel and wonder and someone said "You do it so well you should just keep making more!" and I had to sit and smile and swallow hard, so hard, and I thought I could keep it together but behind my closed door I just couldn't keep it together. And the three other pregnant coworkers who are due within the next month came in to oooh and aaah and I was trapped in the corner and couldn't even squeeze past the pregnant bellies to get away, to breathe.

I am not a warrior right now.

45 comments:

  1. Ugh. I feel that one right in my gut. so, so hard.

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  2. Ugh. I totally get it. Hang in there.

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  3. Oh crap. Well, I am not a warrior either if that helps at all :(

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  4. (((hugs)))
    awesome picture, though.

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  5. I know how it feels...hang in there.

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  6. Take a big deep breath, take several. :) It is completely fine and normal to have this reaction. Hang in there! big HUGS sent your way!

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  7. I know that no words can take the sting away right now. Sending you a BIG squishy virtual hug.

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  8. that is just too much for IF'er to handle. You are always a warrior even if you do not feel like it. You have fought more battles than anyone should have to and you are still standing, if that is not a warrior then I don't know what is.
    thinking of you....

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  9. Ugh Ugh Ugh

    I am so very sorry you were trapped. I am so glad you were able to escape, even though it was not soon enough to spare your heart the pain. I am so sorry. I cringed reading your post. I hope you are able to be REALLY good to yourself tonight!

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  10. Owww, that's so awful! I'm so sorry you had to go through that....

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  11. That's so awful
    I feel that one in my gut too

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  12. Sh*t - that's hard! I'm sorry!

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  13. Thats awful. Not that I wish this on anyone, but I just wish they could think and be sensitive, even if they don't know. I don't know. That was awful. I'm sorry.

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  14. That just sucks. I'm sorry.

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  15. Oh honey. I'm so sorry...seeing the reality of a tiny newborn is always difficult. You should just excuse yourself next time to go to the bathroom and then not come back. How insensitive of your coworkers but then, they are a rather dense lot aren't they?

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  16. As some of my gay friends have said: Fuckin' breeders.

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  17. Oh man, I could imagine that scene so vividly, and my own emotions came rushing to the surface. I'm so sorry you have so many co-workers like that to deal with. I appreciate that I am one of the "younger" women in my whole office so I don't have to deal with those pregnant bellies at all. Just the male co-workers whose wives come in for their baby showers and then quickly exit.

    I would have loved to knock on your closed office door and taken you out for a hot chocolate and stupid stories to make you feel better.

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  18. Horribly painful situation, totally understandable reaction even for a warrior woman. ((((hugs)))) and thinking of you...

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  19. Sorry you were put in that situation. Thinking of you...

    T

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  20. Ugh. 7th circle of Hell. =(

    *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*

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  21. I'm sorry, LC. It's just too much sometimes that the universe expects us IFers to deal with. This is what I loathe about IF. That not only do we not get our babies. But we don't get to share in the joy of others without a lump in our throat, tears blinked back, heart stab. Just I'm sorry and big hugs. XO

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  22. BTW, your Warrior pic is awesome. AWESOME. I hope for more of those days for you.

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  23. I'm sorry to hear that LC. What could they have been thinking? They really seem like a bunch of insensitive boneheads. feeling very sad for you and wishing so much that things get better. xxx

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  24. Oy! That sounds like a sucker punch right to the stomach, and I am so sorry you got cornered in that room! The tears are good sometimes...you just let them out and feel those things you are feeling. And, you are a warrior for going through infertility. Not everyone can be a warrior- but I think you are! Still praying for you- wish I could "piggy back" you- I really wish I could!

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  25. Arg. I hate pregnant ladies. I actually will cross the street to avoid walking next to them. They are so joyous and oblivious to the world. You are strong. You made it. You are going through something that crumples souls.

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  26. I'm really sorry that happened to you. Situations like that are just incredibly, incredibly hard to power through. You have every right to fall apart a bit.

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  27. oh honey bunny, when i read this yesterday in my cube i just wanted to fly to texas to make it all better.

    i wish i could. i wish everything wasn't so hard. i wish that enough would be enough for you.

    maybe one day we will have our own land, those of us who know. and the onew who don't will live somewhere else, far away.

    hugs my friend.
    xoxo
    lis

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  28. I know that feeling well. I am sorry to hear you were put in that situation-the hardest is getting away and hiding the evidence of the inevitable tears.
    amiracle4us.tumblr.com

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  29. Sending you another hug, just in case you need it.

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  30. Wow. Do they know about your struggles? If so, that is incredibly insensitive. I am not as classy as you--I bolted from the room earlier this year when my coworker's wife brought in their newborn. Just couldn't deal with it and wasn't even up for trying. Thinking of you; that is rough.

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  31. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. It is terribly unfair.
    Big hugs!

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  32. Oh, that's just way too much to handle at once. I feel glad that no one is pg at work right now, but I'm counting the number of women in their childbearing years and just waiting for that bomb to go off.

    I used to joke that I'd rather have a root canal than go through this IF hell, but now that I'm starting down at the reality of having a root canal, I don't know. They both suck.

    By the way, you are a warrior, because IF ain't for sissies. It takes real courage to feel all the hurt and pain you are going through. Big hugs sistah.

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  33. I think you are very courageous...even if you don't feel like it today.

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  34. Wowsa. Your post hurt to read. I'm so sorry you suffered that. I want your luck to turn so badly. And remember that's what it is - bad luck not cosmic punishment, although God knows I know it feels like that sometimes. You will make a wonderful mother to your child and will be a hell of a lot more sensitive to others' feelings to boot Nxxx

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  35. I can't imagine the pain, I am so sorry.
    Have you ever thought of gestational surrogacy? I know you probably already had never heard of it and it seems to be pretty popular right now.

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  36. I am so sorry and I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
    Have you ever thought about gestational surrogacy? I know you probably already have but I had never heard of it until recently. It seems to be really popular right now.

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  37. I'm so sorry that I haven't responded in so long. I started to catch up a little with some of the blogs. I feel your pain. I've just about all but given up with my IF. I'm trying to find some peace now and take comfort in knowing for sure that I won't be bearing any children. Adoption could be on the block at some point. But I don't know if I can take the heartbreak that can be accompanied by the long process. I feel tired and beat down by the whole emotional roller coaster.

    Sometimes you have have to recognize the little things that keep you happy and grounded and find your "peace" through them. Try to take comfort in the things that you know are certain and build your happiness from there. My heart goes out to you.

    T

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  38. Sending you yet more hugs. This post brought me back. I have definitely been there and it sucks big-time. I hope you get a reprieve from all the pregnant people for a bit.

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