Friday, November 12, 2010

A Year Ago, and an "Encounter" With a Deer

A deer ran out in front of my car today, and I couldn't swerve/stop in time. I burst into tears--I could see his eyes as the flank of his body made impact with the front of my car. I love animals, I have an extreme soft spot for animals, I don't eat meat, I can't stand the idea of hunting...and I live in an area where deer are in our front yard or back yard every single day. They are beautiful, gentle creatures. And I feel terrible. I know he didn't make it but he kept going into the woods.

I'm lucky, I guess. My car is pretty smashed but I'm OK. A few years ago my neighbor swerved to avoid hitting a deer, wound up knocked unconcious in a ditch until a stranger rescued her from her burning car. She needed skin grafts and surgery and thank God for that stranger. So yes, it could have been worse.

I found myself thinking "If only I hadn't run that tenth mile, I would have left sooner and I would not have hit that deer." Yes, I went on a longish run this morning and it felt great. It was split in two--five miles on the trail and five miles on the treadmill because of a rainstorm....and those wet slick streets made it harder to avoid the deer, too.

It's useless to think like that, the if onlys and what ifs. It leads down dangerous paths populated with thoughts like like "if I had just started trying earlier I wouldn't be here now' or 'what if we had done a sixth cycle--would that have been our magic one?'

We found out that Ethiopia has slowed down its adoptions/court dates tremendously. It figures. So far there have been nothing but negative changes since we joined up. Let me qualify that statement: the changes are ultimately good ones for the children which is obviously the most important thing, but tell that to my waiting heart. Five+ years of trying to become parents makes for an impatient heart indeed.

Mr. LC and I discussed that if the bottom falls out of the Ethiopian program (like it did with the Guatemalan program a few years ago, when it shut down completely) we will be done.

Childless. Childfree. Whatever the term. Just the two LCs and our pets.

We don't have anything left in the tank, we're on fumes. I can't even imagine starting over again.

One year ago we were back in Colorado, transferring the fab four. George, Jerry, Kramer and Elaine. And one of those guys at least made a bonafide effort to stick around in my twice-punctured uterus.

But yet here we are, a year later and we're just more tired. Excited and hopeful--naturally. But we're steeling ourselves for something major to happen with this program. Maybe it's all just rumors but really...I'd rather not even try to research because there

Tonight we'll work at the homeless shelter--always good for perspective. And then go out for some delish Indian food. That feels wrong--go out to eat after working at a homeless shelter? Thoughts?

And I'll be driving like a granny everywhere I go today....


  1. Glad you are OK, but it is scary to hit an animal, especially a deer. They can be pretty dangerous. And, *so jealous* of your 10 mile run. Ah, someday.

  2. So sorry about the deer, that is so traumatic. I REALLY. Hope things work out with the adoption, you two have been through so much. I too remember a year ago.. Thinking of you and offering you support.

  3. Wow. I know exactly how that feels. We hit a deer last year and it was really traumatic. Totaled a brand new $35k minivan...that's how big the deer was and how fast we were going on the interstate. I couldn't look. I'm really glad you are okay. It took me a few weeks to get over the tragic image that flashed before me as it happened.

  4. Sorry about the deer. I used to see them all the time on the side of the road when I lived up north and it always made me a bit sad. One perk of living in an urban jungle I guess is that we never see dead deer--or alive for that matter.

    I hope the Ethiopia program stabalizes a bit. It makes me a bit nervous that the Korea program is "scheduled" to close in 2012, but who know if it really will. Hang in there.

  5. As usual, I love reading your posts. I remember a friend was driving on the road and a deer jumped out of nowhere and totaled his car. The passenger had glass fragments tossed her way. It was awful. Thank goodness you were unharmed. You are not to blame on this one as the truth is that if you were given more warning, it would have been unharmed. This is kind of like someone running a red light. You didn't see them coming and it wasn't your fault. But still, it hurts and you wish you could take it back.

    Sorry the adoption process is taking a long time. I wish there is something I could do. It is hard to see that you would give up as you would be a perfect mother to any child. Please don't give up yet - as there are plenty that would be grateful to have you.

    Indian food is delicious and you deserve it. I love Bhartha, and I am sure you have had it before.

    It is so funny reading your posts because it made me get rid of the stereotypes about Texas. I wish I didn't have them, but I do. Austin must be quite different and the place that I would want to live if I ever moved there.


  6. I'm so sorry about the deer but still very glad you are okay! They just come out of nowhere and there's no way to avoid them....

    I really hope things work out with the Ethiopian program, it's time something goes well for you in this area. I'm sending all the good vibes I can!

  7. I once nearly killed my mother and myself by swerving on a wet road to avoid hitting a rabbit. My mother spent a good hour telling me what a stupid choice that could have been and she was absolutely right! What you say is so true - the 'what ifs' are the worst - not only are they destructive retrospectively, but they can spur us on to make bad decisions based not on logic or even on what we really want, but on trying to avoid questioning ourselves later - only to end up doing just that when it becomes clear that the choice was wrong.

    I'm really sorry to hear that the adoption situation is slowing. I get the impression that this is happening in several countries around overseas adoption - I have a friend who has had her hopes of Chinese adoption dimmed. I really hope that things start to move forward for you. As for going for a meal after helping at the homeless shelter - I sympathise with your dilemma, but unless not going for a meal is going to help them, I'd just go.

  8. I volunteered at the homeless legal clinic this morning - and I had Mike bring home dinner from a is tough to reconcile that but at the same time we have worked really hard and so have you - you deserve to spend your money on the things you like.

    I am so sorry you hit a deer - it would crush me too. ((HUGS))

  9. oh, a year ago. oh im so sorry. it should have been and i know exactly what you think about the what ifs and the maybes. exactly.
    my sister hit a deer yesterday and we are as soft hearted as you about animals. we were all so sad. thankfully hers got up and limped back into the forest. i can only hope it will be okay.
    i think that its amazing that you and your husband do everything you can to put love and hope into the world. you have sacrificed your time and im sure at times your money to help others. you are ensuring that others have a meal. just because you aren't eating the same things doesn't make it wrong. im sure each and every one of those people would, if given the chance, choose to send you and mr. lc out for a nice dinner. i hope you don't feel too bad about it.
    and i hope this world starts to give you back everything you have put into it and then some.

  10. Seems like the theme here is trauma, whether it's hitting a deer, multiple IVFs, or the adoption process. I know what it's like to feel like you are so done with this whole process of trying to build a family. But you two are still young (compared to me), and there are a lot more countries out there than Ethiopia that have children needing adoption. At the risk of being one of those "helpful" people, have you considered adopting toddlers or from another country, like Haiti? Just tell me to shut up if I'm annoying you.

  11. UGH!
    I know I have said it before but I feel some weird parallels between our lives. (Just wish it wasn't the stuff that tends to SUCK!)
    Deer are a problem in KS too- I just had a friend total her car on Wednesday by hitting one, then total the rental car the insurance company provided by hitting another!
    You're right that you can't start down the path of the what-if's, coulda/shoulda/woulda's.
    I also wouldn't do much reading on the potential slow-down of the process- because you're so right. It's not in your hands now. I hope, I pray, that things DO sail smoothly... You deserve that much and so much more.
    Enjoy the Indian food- I bet it does feel weird to go from one extreme to the other, but you are good people, doing good things, and you deserve good food too. :)

  12. I'm sorry about the traumatic incident with the deer today. I now it must have been heart thumping and heartbreaking. I don't want to sound callous to the deer, but just glad you are safe.

    I just sent up a prayer asking that your adoption from Ethiopia progresses smoothly. *Please,Powers that Be, give LC and her DH a break.* I echo all the sentiments here that you will make wonderful parents.

    And, man, do I hate those "what if's"...I've been wrestling with a few these days. I try and do the mind/body approach and let the thought happen, but then release it without judgment.

    Wishing all good things for you.

  13. I agree with Pheobe about the theme of trauma. There is so much trauma and heartbreak all around you. I am so sorry that the adoption program is in transtion and that the process is not going as smoothly/quickly as you guys would like (you certainly deserve to get a baby tomorrow). Does your agency have any insigh into the stability of the program in general?
    I am always wishing and hoping for you that this adoption comes through.
    I think it is amazing that you guys volunteer and do not think that going out to dinner is bad. It more highlights the differences in your station in life compared to the homeless. You are such a good hearted person to do this when you are going through all of this.

  14. So glad you are ok, although it is sad to think of that poor deer in the woods. I'm sorry.

    And a sad anniversary, it is hard to think it has been a year already. I really hope Ethiopia does not stop adoptions, those kids need parents as good as you and mr. lc.


  15. I know this place of seeing years pass, remembering events and non-events. I am so sad for the news about Ethiopia (and Guatamala) and feel helpless in my efforts to offer help, suggestions or wise words.

    All I can do is offer sisterhood, as you know that you are not alone and there are so many of us here walking beside you, albeit cyber-walking, but we are here... I'm here... and if I find a crack of light in this darkness, I will share my wisdom, I promise!

  16. Oh my, I'm glad you are ok! Sorry about the deer though. I have a super soft spot for animals too :(

    I don't know what to say about the doors that close like the fab four or the doors that threaten to close like Ethiopia. I can just sympathize with you and say what a shame it would be if you and yours did not have the opportunity to parent. If only the powers that be could see how lucky a child would be to have you for a mom. I know how you feel being oh so tired.

    And you guys shouldn't feel guilty about eating out. At least you were doing something to help out. It's more than I did that night :o

  17. I am sorry abour the deer but glad you are ok!! I was always scared of that when we lived there. Unfortunately there are so many of them in A, not that it makes it any easier. I have a huge soft spot for animals and totally understand.

    I just feel bad that it is just one thing after another that you are going through. I want to believe (in life, in general) that things happen for a reason but I cannot, for the life of me, understand why the hits just keep on coming for you guys. It makes no sense to me and I want you to know that I keep you in my prayers and just keep askng that the tide turns and soon! It will happen. It has to happen!!

  18. Hi LC--my sis turned me on to your blog--my hubbie and I did the IF rollercoaster too, and are now also adopting from Ethiopia. Yes, the process is really slowing down, and I'm so sorry for all of us PAPs waiting. Don't know what we will do if it closes completely; I've heard the same rumors and it makes my heart drop every time. Anyway, just wanted to give you a hug through the internet. The hits just keep on coming, huh?

  19. We have live in an area with a large deer population and I am so scared of hitting one! I am glad to hear that you are okay and only your car was hurt.
    I know it's not the same but it took some friends of ours 3 years to get their little girl from China b/c everything kept getting slowed down / held up. Every day of waiting feels like a lifetime but hang in there. I know 3 years sounds terrible when you've already been waiting for 5 but I'm praying that you will get some good news soon that will fill your heart with joy.

  20. I am so sorry about the deer. That happened to me once with a huge canadian goose on a very small cement-sided highway on long island. It was actually the car next to me that hit it and I still remember (this happened 10 years ago) what it was like and how upset I was. But, if either of us swerved, there was that cement Jersey barrier to take us out. It is so unfortunate how much we are encroaching on natural habitat...however, all of that being said, I am so glad to hear you are alright. That is incredibly dangerous. I am not against hunting (see it as a necessary evil or else all of the population would starve) but I could never do it myself, so I understand your sentiment.

    I hope things go smoothly with the adoption. I don't want to see you and Mr. LC without a child. You two have too much love to give to a child and will make wonderful parents. Maybe you will be nicely surprised. Hugs.

  21. So sorry about what happened with the deer! God, I can only imagine how scary that would have been and how sad it would have made me - though obviously it wasn't your fault. Ugh.

    That sucks about Ethiopia. It drives me crazy how the corrupt can make adoptions so difficult for families who would make fantastic parents for children who need them. I really hope things speed up or at least stay stable until you have a referral.

    re: the homeless shelter and then dinner - at least you worked in the homeless shelter before going out! More than I can say. :)

  22. I'm sorry about the deer but so glad you are okay. That must've been so scary.

    I'm also so sorry to hear that the Ethopia program is slowing down. Knowing that it's for the good of the children doesn't make it any easier on your aching heart, unfortunately. I wish this was so different for you. For all of us.

    I agree with Silver about dinner after volunteering - I hope you enjoyed the evening with Mr. LC.

  23. I ran over a bunch of frogs once. I was about 19 and driving across Missouri at the end of the summer when the area had been in drought. It started raining that night. Frogs are nocturnal and when it rains after a dry summer spell like that, they will gravitate toward the road so they can enjoy the puddling water on the hot cement. As I was driving I kept hearing these little "thunks". After about a half dozen of them I finally caught sight of a frog hopping in front of my car in the headlights. And then I realized what the "thunks" were. It was horrible.

    I am not a vegetarian but I am conscious about the amount of meat I eat and limit it to only a few ounces every day or every other day. I also work in the environmental field and my job specifically relates to protecting animals. If I had to kill my own meat I *would* be a vegetarian.

    I am sorry to hear that things are slowing down in the Ethiopian adoption program. You and your husband (as well as Phoebe and Brenda) are in my thoughts often. Very often.

  24. My goodness dear, can you not catch a break??? You must have something really amazing coming your way and you're just getting all the bad luck over with now. Hugs

  25. I'm so sorry about the deer. We hit a kangaroo once and I remember the feeling of seeing its eyes - horrible. Urggggh.

    I am so sorry to hear about the continued slowing. I so much hope that your waiting heart gets relief soon. Sending you lots of love xxx