Saturday, November 20, 2010

Happy Tears

Oh guys.

This past week or so has been so rough. I found myself in that dark dark place I have fought so hard against.

I have about six blog posts in draft, and none of them have made it here to the finished page. I re-read them and they're too...

Angry
Bitter
Upset
Sad
Depressed
Bereft
Hopeless

The list goes on and on.

I woke up this morning and thought: today is the day I will end the blog. I don't even know what to say here some days, it seems like I'm just on repeat, I am so tired of the journey, so exhausted from the pain of the pursuit of parenthood, so tired of feeling like it will not happen, so tired of picturing two stockings yet a-freakin-gain this holiday, just so tired. Why write about it anymore?

And then.

I got an email from the lovely Sarang. And she told me to check out her blog, a blog I have followed for a while now after receiving an invitation to view it, long after she had been a super supporter here for me.

What commenced when I read her post was happy tears, happy tears--buckets of em!--ugly crying but in a happy way--you guys know the kind, right?

Her post was a virtual surprise party for me, complete with delicious MEGA desserts and loving messages of support and just...

I don't even know what to say. (and that says a lot! :) )

Thank you seems inadequate but it's all I have.

Thank you from down deep, in the darkest part of my heart that only you guys understand, but also the part that feels hopeful and renewed just knowing you are out there, that I really don't know where I would be without you all and just...

thank you.

(off to cry some more happy tears--it is so nice to have some happy ones every now and again eh?)

37 comments:

  1. I like to think that our valleys will not last forever, and that when we are in them, someone like your friend will come to the rescue even if just in the nick of time. Glad for your happy tears tonight.

    I am also glad that you continue to blog. Yours is one of the first that I started to follow, and I am always inspired by your perseverance - even when it hurts. So....thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. OH, this is AMAZING!!! what a wonderful e-friend, I wish i was invited to your party, I am sure there was only AMAZING things to be said about YOU!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Please don't go. I so look forward to reading your blog. I can't read what your blog friend wrote, but I am so glad it made you feel special.

    T

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're loved by many! We're anxiously awaiting your good news! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. hugs, my love

    you deserve all of that and more.

    there are better days ahead.

    promise.

    xoxo
    lis

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I usually cringe when I hear people utter the famous phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." But by gosh, I do believe there was a cosmic reason for your party occurring on the same day you were considering "ending" it all. Sometimes, when our own personal hope tanks have run dry, it's up to our friends to come running up the hill with gas cans in hand.

    We all love you, LC. We're here for you forever.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow. That is so utterly amazing. Absolutely breathtaking for someone to do that for you for no reason other than to provide you support and happiness on this dark and long road. There is an anonymous quote that says "To love someone is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it back to them when they have forgotten." Looks like there are a bunch of people who are singing really loudly to you right now, me included!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aww, happy tears here too! And even more so with hearing about the incredible timing. Please don't go! I totally understand backing off a bit - but man would it suck if you were completely gone from the blogosphere...

    P.S. Isn't Sarang awesome? I feel so lucky to have her support online and in person - she is really is amazing. You truly should come out to Frisco - we'll help you kill some time as you wait for your little one... =)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think about you often and hope hope hope that your journey ends soon- please don't go until we get to find out your happy ending!!! I wish I could give you a big, big hug.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So honoured to be a part of anything that brings you even a little happiness. I know the wait seems endless now, but there will be an end and you will have your baby. I truly believe that!

    ReplyDelete
  12. While I didn't get to the party, know that I support you and love to hear from you always!! Even if it is the same old crap, keep writing. Please! I do want to hear it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Even though I didn't attend the party on Sarangs blog, please know that every time I read your blog I am having a party for you, just me sitting here rooting you on. Thinking and wishing only good things for you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know the place you've been. Saying it sucks doesn't do it justice. I'm glad you were able to find some happiness from friends. I'd so miss you if you stopped blogging. You've made my journey a little less lonely.

    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Mrs LC I'm so sorry that you had a bad week. And doubly delighted that this party came for you at the right time - angels were whispering in Saranag's ear, that's for sure.I hope they're whispering in your ear too. You deserve the world. And yes I too add my request that you continue to blog, while also doing what's best for you With love xxx elliej http://en.gravatar.com/liketobeelliej

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know what the bad week is about. I'm in it too. This is a hard time of the year for you and I. Knowing what happened this time of year last year, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry I missed Sarang's party. I just didn't know what to say, I guess. Hope is a slippery slope. I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you on this difficult day. Hugs.

    P.S. I thought about ending my blog too.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You totally deserve that party!! And please don't stop blogging - your blog has been such a source of comfort to me and many others, judging from your comments and followers. I am in awe of your generosity - to take time to pop over and offer words of encouragement to me on my blog when you have been having a hard time yourself - you are a very kind person. I have a strong feeling that, whichever way the journey takes you, you will be happy in the end. You are one of these people that gives out positivity to others - and sometimes forces it on yourself when you are feeling low ;-) - and that WILL come back to you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You have been on my mind very much lately. I'm sorry I've been away from your blog. I'm sorry about the deer and I'm so sorry abou how you're feeling. You are loved by so many people in the blogosphere. There have been way too many tears for you. Take care of yourself Mrs. LC. So many of us admire you so much!

    ReplyDelete
  19. (((hugs))). I'm sorry I missed out on the surprise party.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hugs! I am so happy you enjoyed it! I think a lot of us would be absolutely crushed not to see your happy ending. I know there have been a lot of revisions...but this one WILL BE your happy ending and we so want to share in it!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm so happy the party was a success! I'm a big lam-o for not getting myself together and getting over there - I've been so busy lately. But I do send you all the best wishes in the world, and also agree that I would be very sad to see your blog end. You write such beautiful, inspirational posts and I look forward to following you on the rest of your journey, whatever it may bring!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ohhhhhh, I just found you - I don't want you to stop writing. But I am so very sorry you've been in a bad place. I've been feeling much of the bitterness, sadness, anger, etc. too, so I can so relate to this.

    I think something snapped in me last week as we anticipated another ectopic pregnancy and the day before we had to end it, I said - enough is enough. I'm going to be ME again. I'm going to reclaim my life and live it the way we're intended to - with gusto. So far so good. That was Thurs.

    Hoping I can be here for you no matter what state you're in. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  23. I don't know the hostess of the surprise party but you know I support you 110% and am here praying, cheering, and waiting anxiously for the next chapter that you so deserve!! Don't go. I would miss hearing from you :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am sorry you have been in the dark dark place lately. Hopefully the posts you've been writing have been serving the purpose of helping you process and deal with all those emotions, even if you decide not to publish the posts themselves. And hopefully you find yourself in a brighter, better place very soon.

    I totally get what you're saying about being so tired of all this, feeling like you're on repeat and wondering why to even bother writing about it anymore. But please know that to your readers, your blog is not one dimensional. It's not just about your family building struggles, it's about you. Your volunteerism, your work, your running, your relationship with your dad, your relationship with Mr. LC, your baking - I love reading about all of it.

    If you decide to end the blog at some point, of course we'll be understanding and supportive of that (disappointed, but supportive), but please don't do it because you think your readers feel like you're saying the same thing over and over, because we don't.

    On an unrelated note, I sent you an e-mail to satisfy your curiosity.

    ReplyDelete
  25. That's so sweet! A surprise blog party! What a creative idea.

    Keep writing. Even when you have nothing to say. This is your outlet. Someday you will want to look back on this part of your life and see your chronicles.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  26. oh, how lovely!! Have just written to Sarang asking to go and join in :)

    Sometimes these things happen just at the right moment - sounds like this was spot on for you. How wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I just wanted to say thank you...

    thank you for always commenting on my blog
    thank you for sharing your story- it reminds me that I am not alone in the "failed at CCRM" club
    thank you for being a voice for so many of the feelings that we share but I am unable to put into words
    thank you for writing here

    I am so grateful to Sarang's party for you. While I am not a member, I am thankful for her kindness just when you needed it. I hope that someday I can be that person to someone out there. That's all we've got at times- the love and support of other amazing women who've walked our journey.

    Rambling on- I've been trying to decide what to write for days now and apparently it is all just falling out at once! :)

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Please don't stop blogging. You and Bottoms Off are the only two blogs I know of that have mirrored my IF path. Most people either get PG or get disgusted and stop blogging and that leaves us IF failures so alone

    ReplyDelete
  29. You probably don't remember me (dmnmb, from the Daily Strength boards), but I remember you and check in on you here every once in a while. I've never commented - words have escaped me - but please know that you have been in my thoughts. I'm still hoping - and praying, even (which I don't normally do)- for your "Happily ever after."

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thought about this post a few times over the last week. I hope the days that followed were better.

    ReplyDelete
  31. still reading...still holding onto hope for y'all...:)

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so sorry that you had such a bad week, and so happy that you got a virtual surprise party. :)

    Just wanted to pipe up and say that I really enjoy your blog and your perspective. Even if it's not here, I hope you continue to blog somewhere. And obviously I am hoping for wonderful things for you.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi LC,
    I hope it’s not too inappropriate to leave an unrelated comment—so sorry if this isn’t the time or place. I have been following your blog for a while (mostly as a lurker), but have had a similar road (IF followed by ET adoption) and wanted to see if you were hearing any new news on the ET adoption front—my agency is showing some good things happening, so just wanted to share if you’re interested. I can be reached at corynmolly@gmail.com. Hope you are hanging in there. It’s a heck of a journey. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Happy tears have been so far and few between, that fact that you experienced some is a wonderful thing. I'm sorry about that dark place, its hard to pull yourself out, regardless of how many hands reach in to help you (or force you out). I'm sorry for the suck ass journey, I'm pissed at the hurdles we are having to jump.

    But I am humbled by your posts and I can't explain the flicker of warmth when I read your comments on my blog. It's your personal decision on what to do with the blog, but the love and hope you offer is tremendous. Bless you.

    ReplyDelete