Thursday, August 26, 2010

Updating and Clarifying

Hey you guuuuuuuuuuuuuyss! (what was that from??)

I think most of you got what I was trying to articulate in my previous post, but just in case...the finer points:
1) I did not say that all multiple pregnancies are super high risk, but there is no doubt in the medical literature that they are riskier than singleton pregnancies. From the March of Dimes: "More than half of twins and nearly all triplets are born prematurely, associated with an increased risk of death and disability."
2) While CC.R.M. will obviously say that multiples are not their goal, and their literature will say as much, they do push beyond the recommended guidelines...and they're not unique in this. I'd say many (most?) REs do. And they can, because who's going to call them out on it? The patients who are desperate to succeed? The insurance companies that don't cover this stuff for the most part anyway? It's largely unregulated.
3) I totally understand transferring more than the recommended number of embryos--which is why I mentioned I did it myself. For so many reasons--emotional, financial, physical--we try to limit the number of times we go through IVF. IVF sucks. If you haven't been through it--even once--you really have no idea. No way around that.
4) No one knew those twins were conceived by IVF, so my other coworker's "it's not fair" comment was not reacting to anything A.R.T. related, but other things, which I just cannot mention here.
5) I simply think that if IVF were covered, it would be much easier to elect to transfer a single embryo at a time when that is appropriate. The current recommendations are as follows:
One embryo woman under 35 with good prognosis, max embryos two. With less favorable prognosis--max three. So see? Right there I went against guidelines two times.
6) I also don't think IVF should just be covered for everyone carte blanche...there would have to be guidlines there as well.

But none of this matters to me anymore.

I'm out of the A.R.T. game. I like to say I'm in recovery. But I still sat in my office and cried on Wednesday when the lunchroom talk yet again went to the fact that we have eight pregnant women in our smallish office...and that it's "most definitely in the water". Which then elicited all kinds of responses from women who couldn't--apparently--imagine anything worse than another pregnancy. Someone found a pregnancy test in the bathroom and everyone was trying to guess to whom it belonged. At one point they were going around the room.

I panicked.

What would I say when they got to me?

Be the spoiled sport and say "I'm infertile. As much as I'd love it to be mine it's not and it never will be?"

Just smile and shake my head?

Burst into tears?

Luckily it died out before it got to me. My one blessed coworker who has held my hand through the worst of the past few years leaned over next to me and asked if I was ok. I nodded. And then went back to my office and sobbed.

I sat at my desk and felt so completely out of control. I have no control in the adoption. All I can do is just sit here and hope for the best. I cried for a woman on the other side of the world who is pregnant now, with a child I hope to raise, which feels wrong on so many levels, and I cried because she may be hungry, or may be sick, or stressed, and no one is rubbing her belly and asking her about names and no one is asking to see her ultrasound photos and I have no part in any of it. I can't help her. I can't control anything. All I can do is be left out of the goddamned lunchroom talk yet again. Most everyone knows about my adoption but I'm never "counted" in the expecting woman count. There's the eight pregnant women and there's me, LastChance, on the outs again. I guess I always will be huh?


  1. You're unique, you are one of a kind, which might translate to "on the outs", but in my eyes, not in a bad way. Ok, Miss Sunshine aside....

    Lunchroom talk and gossip in a small office is horrible to handle. I've had to sit through a few lunches where all the women complained about were their kids or husband. And I hoped feverishly that they wouldn't figure out all I was doing was nodding along and constantly asking questions rather than giving them a chance to ask me any. And I'm so so sorry that you had to go to your own office and cry it out. No one deserves a crappy work day like that.

  2. look, chica, just buy the damm mega million ticket, the convience store nearest your home will do,
    1 7 26 15 35 38 megaball 2

    DO it, my heart just rips for all you must go through on a nearly daily basis.


  3. As a fellow Texan, if I were back in Texas instead of here in San Fran~~~


    Hmmm. Thinking on this some more, maybe a few of us Cali bloggers need to book some Southwest flights!!

    You deserve all the love and celebration with your adoption. Sending you that love and celebration via blogland~~~~~big, big hugs.

  4. I never understand why adoptive mom's don't automatically get a baby shower!?! I mean, they are expecting, right? They need baby stuff (probably more than most because of all the money that goes into adoption, so help them out!). I just don't get it. Yes, you are different...but different isn't always bad. It may feel that way sometimes but it is way more interesting than being average.

  5. I hate how many misconceptions there are about all of this, just do IVF or just adopt, as if any of these are easy!! I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. You have been through so much and now to be surrounded by too many preggo co-workers, not ok. Hang in there.

  6. Ha! Electric Company, right? I actually remember it from the Goonies though. My parents preferred Sesame Street. LOL!

    Again, I can relate to how you feel. (we share a brain, right?) People gush over things they can *see* and they can't *see* an adoption in process. At least that's how it feels to me. I think, or at least I hope, once you get your referral and have something tangible to show them the tides will turn. They'll be able to relate to seeing a picture of *your* baby and be as excited as they would be if you were pregnant.

    I'm slowly stepping out of the adoption closet myself and I've found that people are excited initially, but then don't really ask about it much (which is more than fine with me). Probably because they aren't reminded of it like they would be with a growing belly. I'm not one who likes a lot of attention, and telling them 'nope, I don't have an update' would be kind of annoying.

    Hang in there.

    And who the f*ck leaves a pregnancy test in an office bathroom? Seriously?!

  7. Goonies!

    I'm so sorry. Hugs.

  8. I'm so sad about the insensitive and ignorant women in your office (and life, and the world in general).

    I- in all seriousness- think you should let your "fan club" here throw you an internet shower for your adoption. For real. :) I have a few ideas already..

  9. I would have been the debbie downer and said "I'm infertile"
    Maybe then they would see the consequence of their ridiculous
    statements. Probably not though. So sorry about all your going
    though, that is way too many pregnant woman in one room!
    I agree with SillyHille, a shower would be awesome! We want
    last chance to be the center of attention this time!!!

  10. I'm so sorry you had to go through that again at work, you obviously have some clueless/thoughtless people there. But I guess that's true almost anywhere....

    I'm so in on the internet shower! I'd love to be able to celebrate your adoption!! :)

  11. Oh gosh. It seems as you can't get a break at work. It is always one comment or another from people without a clue. I probably would have said something like, "Nope, not me. I am adopting" to shut people up. No one would even look at you if you didn't have a ring around your finger. It is damn hard to be strong and stand up to it. I think it is harder for you because you are younger and everyone just expects it. No one asks me about it now - which is just fine. But, I do remember, I enjoyed teaching at the school where the teachers were older and not pregnant. But then again, I did have to hear about all the grandbabies:(

    Thanks for the clarification too. I just thought that some of the comments made me feel (and others as well) as wrong because we elected to put more in. Truth is, I think the Dr. will do whatever you tell him/her to do.


  12. I really love your blog and have been following it for awhile. My sister has been through IVF several times and her story is very similar to yours. My heart is broken for her and her husband but of course I don't really get it, having never been through it. They are now planning to to adopt from Ethiopia too.
    You are such an amazing writer, have you thought about writing a book? I think what you have to say, and the way you say it, could really help a lot of people- those going through IVF and everyone who loves them and wants to understand what it's like. You have certainly helped me.

    I so look forward to the day I click on your blog and find great news!

  13. For the first half of your post I declare: "LC FOR PRESIDENT!!!"

    For the second half; Well, I just want to hug you.

    This is the part that the people who proclaim "Just adopt" never see. They will never get this. My heart aches for you. For everything you've gone through, and for everything you continue to endure. And I stand in awe of your strength.


  14. Yeah Gooonies!!!!!!!!! An adventure that led them to treasure... through determination, wit and curiosity... ah to be a child again. I went to Astoria (where it was filmed) often, to get away and see the beauty of the Columbia river emptying into the Pacific.

    OK, listen here... you will have a baby shower- I am with SillyHill and YES, you deserve one, if not a few.

    IF is unlike any other challenge and so many, too many, have not clue what this is like. Not to mention the judgement we get around the ethical issues. With Cancer you don't find people saying it's unethical to do whatever it takes to kick Cancer's ass.

    Your words about your future adoptive baby made me sad. Your emotions are so real, honest and pure. My heart aches for you because you deserve to be a mom... probably more than those lunchroom idiots that don't have a clue how precious their cargo is.

    Lastly, I'm just speaking for myself, I don't ever read anything that you write that I find offensive. I don't think you had to explain yoruself as I usually agree with you and I think your perspective is one that some don't admit to outloud.

    You are brave and graceful.

    And ya, Goonies never say die!!

  15. I know what you mean about just sucking up when you find yourself in these conversations. I do it all the time, rather than being honest about where I'm at with apparent lack in the baby making department. But I've never been in that extreme a situation - dang girl, that's just not fair!! Most of the time, I just shake my head, and say to myself, "people say the stupidest things". I'm bombarded with the stupid things people say concerning pregnancy or children, that most of the time, I just filter it out.

    You are so thoughtful, can't the others give you the same respect? I'm touched that you would be thinking of the biomother half way around the world.

  16. Your post made me tear up - I have been there so many times it just sucks. And now the horrible realization is that people are assuming I'm too old. I guess wishing people would quit asking about "when we'd have another" came true...ick.

    I agree you need a shower! If your friends are clueless be brave and drop a hint - or make your DH ask point blank! This is a rite of passage and you deserve to celebrate.

  17. It sucks to be left out, I know. Actually, I can't ever remember feeling left out of anything until IF. I think I would have just picked up my lunch and left. In my opinion, if you clue non-friends in about IF, then you just open yourself up to asinine advice. And, yes, who leaves a pg test in a public bathroom for all to see? I would have cried sorry people are dumb.

    I would also be honored to shower you with a gift. Love to tell my husband that I am sending a package to someone "in the internet." tee hee hee

  18. This was very powerful to read. I am so grateful to have a community of women like you who are "on the outs" with me. We get each other. Thinking of you!

  19. in a small office, it's almost unavoidable....the lunchroom chat. i work with mostly men in an engineering consulting firm. i stay away from "the girls" who work in accounts payable/receivable, etc. all they talk about is their kids. luckily they are on the first floor and i'm on the second with all the engineers. we have company lunches once in a while and i usually try to avoid them there, too. they know we started ttc 5 yrs ago...they've stopped asking, but there's always that chance that someone will stick their nose in my business, so i still avoid them. they probably see this, but oh well. people just have no clue how isolating this is.

    i hope soon you'll be the one with all the good news and stories to share!!!

  20. ohhhhhhhhhhhh, the crying at work. There's really NOTHING like it, is there? (When I think of crying at work, especially in the bathroom, whcih was my only option due to an open plan office, I always think of Brenda (aka lostinspace) and her fabulous / awful work bathroom stories. Okay, maybe that's just me!)

    And yeah, it's way worse when you're thinking - not only am I not pregnant, and getting the nice attention, but someone else really *IS* pregnant, and chances are she isn't getting it either. I found that the grief I felt over what I wasn't experiencing made me feel this weird kinship with my babies' first mother - realising, I guess, that we we4re both missing out on what expecting a baby *should* be like. Sucks, huh?

    I've never seen the Goonies. Gap in my education, perhaps?

  21. Hang in there! you are an amazing and strong women, leave their ignorance in the dust!

  22. I really feel for you and your office environment. I always thought I had it bad at work, being surrounded by fertiles and their mommy talk, but you my friend, are living in a world with very inconsiderate people. I'm sorry they made you cry and for all the conversations they have subjected you to. You're right, there's nothing you can do right now but wait for your little one. Just hold on tight to Mr LC and think about all the love you will shower on your baby when she gets here. Live in your dream, it's a much better place!

  23. was that long duck dong that said that in 16 candles??? love that movie. ((HUGS))