Sunday, August 22, 2010

One year ago.

August 2009.

We were finishing up our last fresh cycle at CC.R.M. It had gone well, for us...but when I look back on it with hindsight my estrogen was out of control and we still had poor fertilization and all of that.... But oh we had some 8-celled day three embryos and I poured my entire hope and love right towards them. They were lovely and beautuiful and perfect in our eyes and yes, we loved them right from the start.

For nearly three months they remained frozen in a storage tank, while I dreamed dreams of nurturing them into full beings.

Of course, we know how that turned out.

I will never ever forget those moments of seeing the second line, of calling a few close friends and my sister and hearing the excitement in their voices. I don't regret for a second sharing when things were so tenuous, because how often in our lives to we get to feel such unabashed joy and share it with the ones who mean the most to us?

This August looks very different. We wait, our hope is still frozen, in a different sense, halfway around the world. Nothing is guaranteed. Anything can happen. The world of international adoption is fraught with ups and downs. When I get a letter from the Dept. of Homeland Security, or Immigration, my heart lurches as I prepare for bad news. So far, so good. All we can do is wait.

My Mom came to visit a few weeks ago. After she left she called my sister and told her she was worried about me. Because I don't talk about the adoption.


I've had my heart shattered one too many times to be giddy at this point. We're happy--most definitely--and excited, and yes, hopeful too--but nothing is real. This is all very abstract. I'm in unchartered waters here--how am I supposed to act? We have papers--nothing more, nothing less--sitting in a third world government building somewhere and our names are on a list. I wish it was more than that, but it just simply isn't.

In the meantime, we fill our days with things like this, and pray for a day when that frozen hope thaws into a beautiful song, one that he can sing for his very own children....


  1. one day, the waiting game will be over. im sure that it's hard to even fathom that, given how far you have come and how heavy your load has been.
    but one day, and soon, there will be no more waiting.

  2. I wish you every success in your upcoming international adoption. My very good friend is awaiting the adoption of their referred son from Ethiopia right this minute. I hope that time will pass quicker than you hope. Good luck.

  3. I'm back in the blog world tonight. You have frequently been in my thoughts and I am so happy to hear about your upcoming adoption - that is going to be one lucky kid! I'm looking forward to keeping up with your journey.

  4. I think at this point hope and joy are mythical. You are doing what you need to do to get things done - and once you have that letter in hand that says, "you're a mommy" and you have your child in your hands, your frozen fortress walls will melt and your heart will be bursting with love, hope, joy and immeasurable gratitude... this much I know.

    You are my hero in every sense of the word.

    I believe in you and I know deep within, your flame still burns bright... and you don't have to tell anyone.

    Can't wait until you are a mom!

  5. You are so right, we spend so much time hearing bad news that we become used to it. And numb. And we can't seem to be okay until we get what we were are searching for. I think that once your child is in your arms, you will finally begin to heal. And love. I am hoping you won't have to wait much longer.


  6. I don't talk about it much either. For the same reasons as you I suppose. Although I'm pretty sure if I was fertile I wouldn't be talking about pregnancy all the time either. Just not my style. DH and I were just talking the other day about how abstract this all seems, even after reviewing the files of two children it just seems...surreal. I can't even bring myself to read my blog from last fall. Still too painful.

    Would you consider writing about the Ethiopian adoption process? I'm curious as to how similar it is to the Korea program.

  7. I think not talking about it all the time is totally OK! Whatever you're comfortable with.
    Besides, the reservation with "sharing" (or 'over-sharing' with today's society!) is totally justified! With genetic reproduction you and Mr. did everything RIGHT. You're top notch candidates for parenting! And doing everything completely RIGHT did not put a baby in your arms. I can follow your logic with the adoption: you've done everything RIGHT! Papers, documents, stamps & seals, the whole nine yards. So until the landing gear touches down on American soil and the US government makes it official... It would only be natural for you to have some reservations with it. (Of course we all want to go quickly & smoothly! But there's always a 'but' or a hiccup and you're smart enough to know that too.)
    I would also love to hear more about the adoption process you're going through. My hub & I have always felt that adoption will be a part of growing our family, and yet we still sit here with the application paperwork staring at us.... That's a huge step.
    And the Leebot video: I can not WAIT to show it to my daughter. She's gonna be a tiny little fan first thing in the morning!

  8. I remember back to last August as well. We cycled together and you gave me so much support as I cried over my embryos being frozen at the 2pn stage. I knew I was doomed then, but you gave me hope. I was hopeful for you as well. I was so excited with your double lines and then crushed by the beta. Last August sucked.

    I am again hopeful that soon your dreams (and mine) of becoming a mother will be fulfilled. I know the road of adoption may seem long, but I am praying with everything in me that your baby is waiting for you and that soon you will meet.

    And by the way, that video is FREAKING AWESOME!

  9. You have been through so much in the past year. I am hoping that your adoption process moves along quickly and you have your baby safely in your arms very soon.

  10. It is a lot to have gone thru in a year (and longer, really). I can totally get the caution, the unwillingness to talk about something so...not uncertain, but unclear. I'm so sorry waiting continues. I hope it ends sooner than later.

    And Mr. Leebot is so great :)

  11. Lots of changes in just one year.... I'm so hoping the adoption process goes smoothly and quickly for you. Until then, you only need to talk about it when you want to (though if you do want to 'talk' about it we always want to 'hear'!).

  12. It is inevitable that after all you have been through, you would be afraid to feel hope. I can certainly sympathize. Like you, until I have a baby in my arms, I won't completely believe that things are really turning around. But I know we will both get there.
    And yes, Mr. Leebot is awesome!

  13. Cautious optimism is part of our self preservation. You've been to hell and back (a couple of times!) and you need to protect yourself. It's easy for "us" to understand that but not so easy for those we love. They are excited for our new journey and want to show their support but when there are so many unknowns that self preservation kicks in. Do what you have to do to get through this time. I hope it moves quickly and soon you will be posting of joyous news regarding your daughter. I love writing that to you ~ "your daughter" Your time is coming, we just have to remain patient and trust that His timing will be perfect.

  14. Yeah.... I think that so often, the near and dear want us to just focus on all the good stuff that's to come. My mother (who I never blog about, ever, because I'm too frightened that one day she will find my blog) was the same. She kept on telling me how it was all going to be FINE and when adoption stuff was tough for me, she just couldn't handle it at all. Which I guess is why I chose never to tell her about my blog, hmmmmm.

    I think your assessment is spot on. One day, you'll look back and say 'in August 2010, our child was just conceived / just born / 2 months away from being born / whatever' but that's the kind of thing that can only be done in hindsight. Right now, yo'ure absolutely right about the list, and the papers in the government building. One day it will all make sense. But not yet. And so you shouldn't have to perform about being happy for anyone, because it's not that time... not yet. You might rememeber that we used to call our baby 'hypothetical future baby', or HFB. This post is why!!! But it's not the kind of thing you can really explain.

    ps LOVED the video! Awesome silver vest!

  15. That hope thing is a b*tch, isn't it! I get terribly uncomfortable when people tell me how "excited", "overjoyed" and "delighted" I must be to be pregnant. I want to tell them I'll be all those things when there's a live baby in my arms, but until then I'm actually terrified of having my heart broken in more spectacular ways that the last x times! From speaking to a good friend who's been through the adoption process, it does sound like a very long drawn out pregnancy with similar amounts of anxieties and pitfalls. Self-protection is a reflex when you've been through such disappointment.

  16. We're all waiting, waiting, waiting - until we're not. I'm technically still in the waiting camp and don't you think for a second the worries aren't enormous at nearly 22 weeks. My heart could be shattered in an awful way - I'm just hoping so hard that it will be okay. My friend adopted internationally many years ago and it was a tough road but she has the beautiful Angeline now, age 7. She failed IUI's and an IVF 9 years ago and has said many times how grateful she is for that or she wouldn't have what she has. From start to finish, it took her about 18 months (and there was serious trouble with the foreign government at the time and the ministry of adoption - so it was a frightening time).

    One day you're going to post a headline that's going to make us all giddy for you. And like you, we all hope it's soon soon soon.

  17. I can totally understand being reserved and cautiously optimistic. I hope the process is quick and easy!! I cannot wait for the day when I open your blog and see the news and I know you can't wait to share it :)

    I hope this makes you smile... I LOVE the Mr. Leebot video (I need a CD!!) and I played it twice for Aiden today and both times he got the biggest smile on his face! It was so, so cute! He also laughed out loud at the part where he's crawling around. I liked the part about dancing like you have a spider in your pants :) Mr. Leebot rocks!!

  18. Life has changed this past year for you in terms of how you're going about growing your family and it is only natural to protect yourself after the hell you've been through. I think you will talk about it but only when you're ready so don't rush it if you're not, even for your Mom whom I know you love very, very much. No disrespect to her - it's just that when you've been through what you've been through, it's hard to be as innocent and trustingly blind as you were before. Mr. & Mrs. Leebot, you'll have your little Leebots one day.

  19. Counting down the days with you as your "frozen hope thaws" slowly, but surely~~~

    Mr. Leebot on his knees crawling had me in stitches!! :)

  20. It makes complete sense to me that you would feel guarded and cautious. I am hoping and praying that your wait is short.