Mr. LastChance and I just finished watching Project Runway. It's one of our guilty pleasures and it has been a long time waiting for this season to finally get going.
Tonight the challenge was a new one--design a maternity look for Rebecca Romijn.
sigh.
When I was little I used to play 'pregnant' and put a pillow under my shirt. When Mr. LastChance and I started trying and knew a pregnancy was justaroundthecorner I would sometimes show him what I'd look like by doing the same thing--and he would always grab me and say how adorable I was going to look.
sigh again.
I've been told before that pregnancy isn't necessarily fun...that the body changes in ways that are kind of gross and unattractive, and that things are never the same. I've witnessed this up close and personal. I can grasp that concept intellectually. But it doesn't mean I don't want my chance. I happen to think that a healthy pregnant woman is beautiful. I want to be that healthy pregnant woman.
When I watch things like tonight's episode of PR and see all those pregnant bellies (which were really ridiculous looking by the way--stick skinny models with a fake gigantic belly sticking straight out) I am reminded of how normal it is to assume you will get to have this experience. All the judges were females and they all laughed and told the contestants that they had all been pregnant so they really knew what they were talking about! It was said so naturally, so lightly, but it stung me.
It doesn't matter that we have other options to consider that we're excited about. Options that don't involve a pregnant belly of my own.
It doesn't take away from my longing for that. It doesn't take away that bellyache.
Please please please don't let next week's challenge be designing some designer newborn duds or matching Mommy and me outfits--or Mr. LastChance and I will have to find another guilty pleasure!
Up tomorrow: my first consult with Dr. M about the upcoming transfer. I've got my articles ready, my list of questions written out....does anyone have any thoughts on the swine flu?
9 years ago
Wait. Hold up. Is Rebecca pregnant AGAIN? Because I'm pretty sure that her twins (conceived through IVF) are coming up on their first birthday. Ugh. T and I are PR fanatics too. I still haven't watched tonight's episode (DVR)....but now I'm dreading it. When I saw previews last week, I actually thought that Heidi was going to announce her pregnancy to the contestants and have them whip up a design for her. Meh.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm very well aquatinted with the "bellyache." There are still times (many, many times) when I break down over the fact that, even if T and I are lucky enough to meet our bio babies, I will never grow them inside of me. I'll never feel them kick. T and I will never have nights at home, alone, where we sit on the couch together and place our hands on my belly. Dealing with that specific loss has been the most difficult to handle. Shit, it's making me cry right now. =-/
I still haven't given up hope for you though. I sincerely believe that you have a chance at replacing that pillow with the real deal.
p.s. If you'd still like a "Meg Original", just holler! Most of my commenters decided not to participate. =)
p.p.s. I just remembered that, while growing up, one of my dad's favorite angry/exasperated expressions was, "QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!"
ReplyDeleteOh, daddy. If only you knew. =)
This was such a great post and you expressed it all so well - the expectations we once had that pregnancy would just be something to happen for us too. I miss those naive blissful days.
ReplyDeleteI still rank pregnancy so high for something I want to experience. Some days because I long to understand what "kicks" feel like. Some days because I long to connect with other women. Some days because I long to feel the closeness with my hubby. Some days because I long to feel pampered and "special" for the time being. The grief layers are deep and complicated and the longing so strong.
I'm hoping you are playing the part of pregnant very soon (without the use of the pillow).
Good luck with your follow up tomorrow. Update when you can!
Big hugs to you. Big hugs to Mr. L. I wish pregnancy so bad for you. It is something I want you to experience so badly. You would be adorable and healthy and cute.
ReplyDeleteAs far as swine flu, we have been seeing it all summer. We've even stopped testing it for swine flu per se, just doing a plain A/B flu test as it was getting so common they weren't requesting that we send it off to see if it was specifically the swine flu. Same precautions as any flu. Wash your hands. A lot. Don't touch your face. Ever. Since you work with patients, keeping masks handy for anyone with a cough would be nice. Too bad for them. There is a vaccine coming out. It is more than one shot. Not sure how effective it will be or if it is recommended for pregnant women due to its newness. And of course, the regular flu vaccine will be available as well, which they tell you to get since it is not a live virus vaccine. Tamiflu and Relenza are cat C for pregnancy- unknown. If the safety/health of the mom or baby is at stake, I would think Ob's would recommend it per the CDC guidelines. You may need to talk to your Ob and see what their thoughts are. Another option would be admit you for observation to keep you hydrated, manage fever, nausea, etc. or close outpatient monitoring (outpatient fluids an option as well).
((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI am petrified of the swine flu. I just talked to the MFM about it Wednesday - she said to take all of the precautions one would take for the regular flu. We are going to discuss vaccines during my October appointment. I have never taken a flu vaccine at all and they terrify me...
Freaking out about the swine flu-- well, not really--but, first thing this morning the Today show says "Very important news for pregnant women..." then goes on to talk about getting the vaccine and how important it is...so get out and get it- yes, I get it - now get the damn vaccine out and I will get the stupid thing. I hear that every day and I do worry about the swine flu, so I'd like that vaccine now:-)
ReplyDeleteSorry about that Project Runway stuff...I hate when it just blindsides you like that. Boom! Out of nowhere all of a sudden we are in pregnancy land. Good luck on your chat with Dr. M...no recommendations...but I wanna hear what she says.
I'm sorry that your guilty pleasure escape was tainted. I hate it when that happens! You're better than I am, though, because I would have launched a protest and moved on to another show :) Your post, though, just made my heart ache for you guys. I continue to keep you in my prayers and really, really hope that this is the cycle for you!!
ReplyDeleteOn the swine flu, I meant to ask at the doctor and forgot. I really want to know what Dr. M has to say about the vaccine. I usually don't get a flu shot because mentally I am scared that I'll somehow get the flu from it which will then mess with my winter training :) But I will be getting one this year (at least the regular one). I don't think the SF shot is going to be available until mid-October but wasn't there some sort of controversy surrounding it when it was out a long time ago (it or something similar years back)? I could be making that up.
I'm looking forward to hearing about your consult about the transfer!!
You mean thoughts about Swine Flue like OMG SWINE FLU PANIC PANIC PANIC? Because those are the thoughts I have and I'm guessing they aren't helpful.
ReplyDeleteI love Project Runway too, I taped it and will watch today...I always wondered if they would do a maternity episode...and I guess they did, it seems unfair their is no "safe" baby free place to go, you would think a design show would be it, but I guess not.
Good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts.
this post pains me. I feel like I wrote the exact same one not too long ago.
ReplyDeletewe also love PR. nina is actually a patient at cornell. I'm a nervous nelly just thinking about your upcoming transfer. this. must. WORK!
I know the pain you are going through. While I was excited about the surrogacy option we were exploring (and a little excited about the idea of not having to worry through a pregnancy that my body would fail my baby yet again), I was also mourning the loss of the experience of a normal pregnant woman. Even though I miraculously didn't have to go that route (at least not so far), I am still mourning the loss of the experience of a normal pregnant woman. No matter how many times the doctor tells me that I'm "normal" now, I cannot in my heart accept it. I still don't relate to other pregnant women I encounter. IF robs us of so much.
ReplyDeleteI am continuing to hope and pray that this transfer works out for you and look forward to hearing how your appt. with Dr. M. goes. Especially her opinion on the swine flu. I have never used so much hand sanitizer in my life!!
Laurie Primeaux
I do the same thing, make my belly look pg and dream about it with my hubby. We have so many pics of me pretending to be pg, hopefully one day we'll (meaning you too) really be pg in those photos.
ReplyDeleteVery interested to hear about your call with Dr. M.
I hate when you try to relax watching TV or a movie, and the whole pregnancy thing becomes the focus. I think there should be a PG rating for pregnancy mentioned!!
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda over wanting to be pregnant. Since my pregnancy turned out to be a nightmare, I kinda wish I could have a surrogate, but that's not going to happen. Doesn't mean I still don't ache to be a mom.
I'm pretty anti-vaccine these days in general. I wouldn't get any vaccine with thimerisol, which is mercury preservative, especially when pg. I just learned too that there are GMO vaccines? That scares the heck out of me. I have never had a flu vaccine. The only time I had the flu is after I had West Nile Virus and my whole immune system was weakened. I also got mono after I had the flu. That was one bad winter!! I think as long as you do everything to stay healthy and keep your immune system healthy, you'll be fine without a vaccine. I'm not getting one.
I'll be interested in hearing about your follow-up.