Today I'm just depressed.
Plain and simple.
It is times like these that I am left wondering what the hell I did? Why does everything related to creating a family have to be so hard for us?
I look around and see families everywhere. True, some of them may have struggled to get there, but the vast majority did not. I know the statistics. I think I fall into somewhere around 0.05% of the population in terms of fertility issues.
Everything is hard for us related to this. I try to look on the bright side and realize that in many other areas of our lives everything is easy. We have good jobs, we have a home, we have food to eat. Yay!
But sometimes it doesn't make up for the 100K we're spending, the waiting, the feelings of being passed by, the feelings of utter hopelessness, the chaos, the feelings of body betrayal...you name it, we feel it.
Mr. LastChance calls it "being kicked in the teeth repeatedly." So he's not at all surprised that AF is this late, and possibly ruining everything. He expects nothing less, really.
And then there's me, the stupid eternal optimist, always hoping, always wishing. But we still keep getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm about to go for my suppression check. Yeah, I figured I'd keep the appointment. I'm going out of town tonight for something very important. If I end up needing bloodwork I'll have to punt and find some lab willing to do stat levels AND fax the results to my RE.
The fun never ends, eh?
9 years ago
I hate that. Just when everything looks like it is moving along nicely, something has to ruin it. DH and I used to sit and try to play that game -look at us, we found love, we have a great house, good job(s), great dogs, all the other things came easy - but it doesn't help. The one thing we wanted was always the hardest to get. I think the depression may be a good sign that AF is right around the corner - totally ruining your plans but still ready to get started. Good luck on your appt. I hope it starts to go smoothly. (oh, and this last cycle was the biggest disaster for us yet...and it worked...maybe it is a good sign).
ReplyDeleteStill no AF? Argh!!! I was really hoping she would grace you with her presence last night. Sending you more AF vibes and a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI understand. It totally, completely, 100%, absolutely sucks. My AF was very late after doing Lupron + BCP leading up to my FET and I understand how the uncertainty can wreak havoc with your professional life, especially when you're trying to keep your travel reasons quiet. All you can do is promise to do everything in your power to mitigate the inconvenience but remember, YOU are important here and how many times has your work asked you to do something for them that was perhaps not that convenient for you? It's a two way street and it's not like you're choosing to be off schedule just to inconvenience them. Far from it right? You have worked so hard for this cycle and you hard work will pay off...but you have to let your body do what it is going to do and that is supremely frustrating since we can't control it. I am thinking about you every day and I am sending you lots of AF vibes.
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