Thanks for all the sweet comments last post..it is a refreshing perspective to think of infertility as a love story, so thanks to Tabi for that. I do firmly believe that couples who are challenged significantly and come out on the other side emerge as a stronger unit, but I must say you gotta go into it strong in the first place.
So what's this about blogolimbo land? I'm a pretty avid blog reader-duh. Once I discovered blogging way back when (old blog, remember?) I was like a kid in a candy store, clicking link after link after link, bookmarking tons of blogs, etc. etc. Of course the majority were infertility blogs. I also read a few of my friends' other blogs too--mommy blogs (I know! I know!), just daily life kind of blogs.
So now I'm in this weird middle place--I still find myself drawn, like a freakin' bug to a light, to infertility blogs. But I'm not in treatment and I don't have any plans. Yet I still read, more connected to these strangers' lives than to many people in my real life. But sometimes reading them, reading about people still with cycles stretched out before them, or people in the midst of cycles, gets me down. Old jealousy rears its ugly head.
But yet I can't seem to look away.
Maybe because I feel like the old IVF veteran who can give support and maybe advice--although who in their right mind would want advice from a five time failure??--so I keep reading them. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.
So as far as one of my commenters who keeps leaving lotto numbers--I must know--do you have an inside scoop on those lotteries? Because if you do, I'll get myself to the ticket line pronto pronto! It's funny--I often daydream about winning the lottery (I guess everyone does) and I think about how it would solve my problem. Because deep down, I do believe I have a few good eggs left, I just need megabucks to find them. So yeah, let me know if where those numbers are coming from.... :)
Lately we've been doing all kinds of house projects, projects we'd been putting off for too long. I don't know what to call it, some kind of unnecessary but hopeful nesting? Who knows, but I do like crossing things off my list.
So here goes our recent conquests/upcoming conquests:
Paint garage floor
Sell sleeper chairs in study
Purchase new modern sleeper for study
Solve our infertility issues and stop this neverending PAIN
Whew. I'm tired.
Oh yeah--layer cake picture is a practice run for a birthday cake I was asked to do in a few weeks, I wouldn't just be randomly making a super tall quadruple layered cake in rainbow brite colors...!
And did you catch the sneaky one in the list?
I will sing from the rooftops the day I can strike through that one, but let's face it, I don't have many options.
The cake looks fantastic! Mmm... You have been busy. And maybe the lotto numbers are not a bad idea after all. I always notice that commentor and wonder...
ReplyDeleteThat cake is gorgeous! I love lists - and I really, really hope your sneaky addition gets crossed off and soon.
ReplyDeleteYou think of the best backgrounds for your cakes and creations. I think I mentioned this before, but I see a coffee table book of cake photos in your future. Not only do you have talent for baking but you've got the photography think nailed too. I wish I could help you cross of your to-do list, too.
ReplyDeleteI think about winning the lottery more than most people. Total waste of time but, you really can't beat the fantasies. Hey, if I win, I'll definitely fund another 5 cycles for you at CCRM because I ALWAYS love to prove the difference money can make.
ReplyDeleteHearing you sing from the rooftops would be a beautiful sound, and I'm sure I would hear you all the way from TX. Looking forward to that someday. PS... you're NOT a failure!
ReplyDeleteLove the allover sprinkles!
ReplyDeletePlus, am interested in what you come up with for a modern sleeper. We need one but they are all HUGE, so we found a place that makes a smaller version and are trying to get up our gumption to buy it even though we can't see it first. It seem like the choices are air mattress or memory foam - both seem comfy enough but I am worried that the air would start leaking and our guests (my mom, probably) would be left with a deflated plastic bed. Of course, the foam is way more expensive...
Anyway, looks like you are making good headway with that list, maybe you can cross off that one particular item while you are putting together bookcases? No? Really? I also always felt that I had a good egg or two in there - it's the finding it that will drive you crazy. We considered moving to Europe (I have a dual citizenship, long story) for the free IVF, but theses days I would just go for Massachusetts - at least I speak the language (more or less.)
I hope you DO win the lottery - literally and figuratively!
That cake is FANTASTIC, I'm sure it tastes as good as it looks :). Life sucks, and I can understand your feelings about wanting to find that one good egg if only there was more money. How sad is that, it angers me so much that our dreams are put on hold because of a stupid thing like money!
ReplyDeleteLists are good. I have a giant one on my fridge, that I should... probably be working on instead of commenting. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I could use some winning lotto numbers too.
Okay, it cracked me up to see your sneaky item on the same list as 'clean out guestroom closet'.
ReplyDeleteAm impressed by how much stuff you HAVE done. i think the achieving really does help to make it feel less like time is just whooshing by while nothing changes. It's good to make changes happen - even if they are only in the garage, right??
ps fabulous cake!!!
i was wondering about your background for the cake as well...soo pretty!
ReplyDeletei meant to ask you...does mr. LC have a CD? you see, i collect children's books and music. you know so that when i finally find random baby/coax some strange kids to come in and play im ready!
if he does, id love to buy one! if he doesn't tell him to get on it! there's a whole market out there waiting to be cornered.
either way you have done a lot. right after the horror, we painted our living room and hall and have started redecorating our family area. im not much of a decorator but its coming out well :) and it helps to feel like i can get something done, if not that one damn list item that i want to cross off.
i feel your pain with the blog thing. it hurts to read all these BFPs and woo hoos, but i have to remember that its just not for me right now. our time will come in one way or another. we just need to start saving every penny AGAIN to either do IF treatments or look into adoption which i am so scared of.
xoxo
To echo the other comments, beautiful cake! I wil say that I just finished a crying fit where DH and I discussed how at a loss I have been without a plan in place. Though we have a plan it seems like every piece of it depends on something out of our control. That said, I also can't seem to accomplish the stuff that I DO have control over (closets!) so kudos to you for that...
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone --
I thought that the picture at the top of the cake was from some professional cake making place - it's so pretty and so artistically taken!
ReplyDeleteI remember being in exactly the same place as you...not quite sure what to do next yet inexplicably drawn to continue reading the IVFC chat boards and other blogs. I guess I was still trying to find through someone else's experiences and stories the magic key, the one different thing they did this time that made it finally work. Other times, I kept reading because I was looking to find some connection with someone, anyone who was remotely in the same situation. I think what you're doing is completely normal and is also a coping strategy for you until you figure things out. Good for you for being able to cross things off your list and I will be screaming with you when you finally get to cross that sneaky entry off that list.
Cake. Yum. You've succeeded in making me want a piece...
ReplyDeleteThat cake looks SO YUMMY!! The pink icing and sprinkles reminds me of those old school frosted animal cookies :) I think I need to drive up for some cooking classes sometime!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to be MIA commenter recently. Truthfully, I feel like sometimes my comments are just so redundant that you probably read them and think I am so unhelpful! And then other times I have had a hard time finding the right thing to say. But I have been here reading and praying for you guys!! I'll do better- I promise!
BTW- race day is approaching and I'm only doing the half. Check out the course map and let me know if you guys are anywhere on that route! I'd love to see you!
Awesome cake! Is that top layer lavender? Very cool. I'm hooked on buying sprinkles even if I don't have a use for them :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think of you as being jealous when you are only longing for what should come so naturally. In case you haven't realized, people like me appreciate that you didn't just disappear after last year. Part of the reason that we've had over a year between our last IVF and our final one coming up is that I am scared of how we will handle it if we still end up with nothing. DH is opposed to adoption (his sister is adopted - go figure), and truthfully, my heart isn't there right now either. But I read your posts, and I so relate, and I find myself hoping that I can handle things even half as well as you have if we are disappointed again. I hope nothing I've said makes you more sad. I still hope that you guys get to be parents someday soon. Just saying I get it.
Once again, how do we not live closer?! I don't "need" any cake right now, but that looks so freaking incredible!!
ReplyDeleteI waiver on adding more cycling blogs to my reader. I know without a doubt that we will not cycle again and find it hard to live in that world while trying to grieve it. YET, I totally know that I can't stop reading at times.
You are crossing things off that list at record speed. (-; I would love to see all of them crossed off...
I too am drawn to infertility blogs. I don't know why, I guess that I too am looking for some hope or inspiration.
ReplyDeleteAhh...the lottery...it's wonderful to wish. I think I'd pay off my mortgage and other debt, attempt another few IVFs and then I'd move on to DE IVFs. Money may not buy happiness but it sure can take away some of your worries and make life easier.
I enjoy reading your blog. The cake looks yummy too!
T
That cake is really gorgeous! I love your list! I am a list maker and I love, love, love to cross things off...
ReplyDeleteI really want to see how you put up your birds!
Here we yet have something in common, busying ourselves with house projects. It feels comforting, being productive, but the pain of IF does not go away. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mrs. LC.
ReplyDeleteDespite how you may view yourself as a "failure" in the realm of IVF, you are my hero. I look up to you so very much.
I hope that my blog isn't causing you pain. Yeah, I know I'm almost officially "cycling" now, but please don't for one second think that I'm naive in my perspective. I know very well that this may all come crashing down. Nothing is certain. There is no rule that states "This will work for Meg."
Like you, I struggle with following IF cycling/pregnancy blogs....because, while I'm happy for them for moving forward/succeeding, it's a painful reminder that nothing I do will ever result in my baby growing inside of me.
In other news, your cake is amazing. You have such a knack for making food look gorgeous and mouth-wateringly delicious. =)
Please please please win the lottery. Anything that will bring you closer to crossing #10 off that list. I still send wishes and hopes and prayers to you and Mr. LC daily.
I too would love to see ALL of them crossed off. ((HUGS))
ReplyDelete