A post revisited.

First of all, my biopsy was basically benign! Hooray! Unfortunately there weren't a lot of cells to test (which just happens sometimes, even though I know I had the best doctor doing the biopsy), but there were colloid cells (a good sign) and he was pleased. Now we'll just watch it. So no surgery for me :)

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On my old blog, I once wrote a post about invisible children. I had written the post after reading another blogger's post on her invisible children. She had suffered a tragic loss, the birth of a full term infant who died only days later. She wrote about her invisible child that no one else could--or wanted--to see.

My invisible children, are, of course, different. I've never seen them on ultrasound, or felt the weight of them in my arms.

They have only been visible in my mind's eye.

Every day I think about the children we would have had by now, had we not been infertile. We'd have a three year old and a one year old right now. If I start thinking about all the treatments and where those children would be had ANY of them worked, it is mind boggling.

Oh how I want to know those children. How I want to see who they look like, if they favor Mr. LC's talents, or mine. I know that children are their own entities, complete with their own personalities. And I've even been advised (assviced?) by others that once you have children you don't care from whence they came.

Maybe.

But that doesn't take away my longing to know my biological children. To see them. To hold them in my arms, to let them fall asleep on my chest. To watch them grow. To look across the dinner table at Mr. LC and say "Oh look! Little LC is just like her father!"

But they remain invisible. Only a figment in my imagination.

I've been told that if we adopted it would be OK because "we wouldn't know what we were missing."

I will not even touch that statement because it offends me on so many levels. I'll just let it hang there in the blogosphere.

I guess I am grateful for my imagination. This Christmas I will imagine taking them to see Santa, I will imagine the look of wonder on their little faces as we look at holiday lights, I will imagine their sleepy eyes on Christmas morning seeing gifts under the tree and half eaten cookies on the hearth. I will imagine their beautiful sweet little baby voices singing "Silent Night." I will imagine Mr. LC reading them "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and then carrying their sock-footed PJed little bodies to bed, asleep on his shoulder.

I just miss them. So, so very much.

EDIT to add: After reading a couple of comments, I just wanted to say that Mr. LC and I had always said we would adopt one day. We had the "have one then adopt one" kind of mentality. I think adoption can be wonderful. I wish more people did it instead of cranking out 3, 4 and 5 bio kids personally. And the comment someone made to me about not knowing what we'd me missing that I referenced in the post--I think that is offensive to adoption in general--making it seem somehow 'less than.' I honestly don't know which way we'll end up going--I've learned to quit trying to guess. I just know that I do miss my biological children--that much I most definitely know.